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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

BF found out her 'BF' is married - she wants to tell his wife

45 replies

Phosphene · 25/02/2013 19:26

My friend has been dating her BF for over a year, they live together and it was all going well. She found out yesterday that he is married with two children aged 1! and 5. She is upset about this but doesn't want to leave him and therefore tell his wife so that she hopefully leaves him etc.

I am in a very stable relationship at the moment, I am getting married soon and therefore can't feel what she is going through (her words, not mine.). How can I help her as a good friend and what's the best advice to give her?

OP posts:

Original poster

Phosphene · 25/02/2013 19:28

I just realised that my two BF's probably confuse you. I meant best friend with the first and boyfriend with the second.

OP posts:

BelleDameSansMerci · 25/02/2013 19:28

That he's not a great catch and she should get rid, fast. If he's done it once (or maybe more) he'll do it again. She would be wise to realise that when the mistress becomes the wife, a vacancy arises...

Sleepingbunnies · 25/02/2013 19:29

Why on earth would she want a man that would cheat on his wife and 2 kids?... Loser, bin him, Next!

Original poster

Phosphene · 25/02/2013 19:30

Yes, that's what I told her too. 'Imagine if you we're in that position...' But she doesn't want to hear it.

OP posts:

nkf · 25/02/2013 19:30

How has this happened? Does he live in two different cities for work or something? I know that's not the question but the mind boggles. Or is he separated? Neither situation is good but one is very much worse than the other.

Original poster

Phosphene · 25/02/2013 19:31

The best thing is that the youngest child is one and they started dating before the child was born.

OP posts:

LIZS · 25/02/2013 19:31

He has had a baby while seeing her and lied - what a piece of work ! Wife may or may not already know , may or may not choose to believe her but I doubt your friend will gain much from telling. Her anger is misdirected , It is he who has been deceitful and will probably continue to behave like this if he can keep them both convinced. if she "won" him would she be able to really trust him ? What of his dc ?

Numberlock · 25/02/2013 19:32

Married as in not yet divorced or that his wife thinks he's working away type scenario? Not that it makes a difference, just intrigued as to where his wife thinks he is...

Original poster

Phosphene · 25/02/2013 19:33

He told her is he separated. He works and lives in London, he wife and children live in Surrey. However she found out that both of them went on holiday together and he told her it was a business trip.

OP posts:

alarkaspree · 25/02/2013 19:35

I think all you can do for her is continue to point out that the man has been lying to her for a year and just isn't worth having. She doesn't need to see it from his wife's point of view. Pure self-interest should tell her to kick him into touch because he is a lying, worthless piece of shit.

Numberlock · 25/02/2013 19:35

I can't get my head round how your friend never suspected anything? Did he go on lots of 'business trips' for weeks on end?

Xales · 25/02/2013 19:36

How does he live with your friend if he has a wife and children?

Does he work away from home and go back?

Does she think he doesn't sleep with his wife any more?

Seriously she wants to tell his wife so that she can win the prize that is a lying cheating piece of scum who has 2 children. Who has been living away and keeping his dick wet while his wife gets on with the hard work of bringing up a brand new baby if they have been together 1 year and his youngest is only a year!

Even if he does split from his wife they are going to be connected by the children for years and years.

What will she do in a few years when he treats her like this?

nkf · 25/02/2013 19:37

He's definitely not worth having. As to whether she should tell the wife, I never know where I stand on this one. What can you do? Nothing really. Argue the point. Ignore. Say it's painful to hear someone talk the way she does. Say you love her but you think she's making a big mistake. Change the subject. Any one of those. Or all of them, I guess. What a mess.

tribpot · 25/02/2013 19:37

This seems to be a classic case of 'be careful what you wish for'.

She seems bent on the course likely to do most damage to herself - that's her call. And if she wants to tell the wife - well, at least then she can make her own decision as well.

How on earth she thinks this will end well for her I have no idea.

pregnantpause · 25/02/2013 19:37

I don't think you can advise her. It's clear that there is no separation. He is running two lives. He's a cheating bastard. But she can't accept that, has already told you that your advice will be ignored (as you can't possibly understand)
There's nothing you can do. Step back and wait for shit to hit fan

LynetteScavo · 25/02/2013 19:39

I reckon he will be highly unlikely to leave his wife (although his wife may well leave him). If he finds out she's told his wife, he will probably dump your friend and find another mistress.

He has lied to her....why the hell would she want to be with this lying cheating person? She needs to GET A GRIP! Is you friend very young?

ihearsounds · 25/02/2013 19:43

So, does he live with her all the time? Aside from the holiday have they ever spent a night apart since they moved in together?
The child might have been conceived before they got together.

izzyizin · 25/02/2013 19:50

Maybe your friend should be looking for no.3 in this lothario's life... his type always has a bird or 2 in the bush as well as the ones he has on in his hands.

Lavenderhoney · 25/02/2013 19:53

Its not going to end well is it? He is a tool right enough. Best thing she can do is chuck him out. Although I expect she thinks they are in love.

Surrey and London are not acceptable as an overnight nightmare commute. Is he pretending he is staying at a mates during the week? How did your friend find out? does he know she knows he has a wife, and is that when he said its ok, we are separated - this might come as a surprise to his wife btw.

Clearly he is not separated or he would be having the dc on his own, and your friend would be embroiled in all sorts of child care and monetary arrangements.
your best friend wouldn't need to tell his wife- she would have met her or spoken to her re the dc.

Are you expected to invite him to your wedding? Will he panic at photos? Is she a guest or a major player, like a bridesmaid? She can't really engage in a wedding knowing what she is doing.

Have you told your fiancé? It affects him too, as I expect you have enjoyed seeing them and now you know it's all lies and rubbish. Plus your best friend is not coming across very well.

Original poster

Phosphene · 25/02/2013 20:30

No, she said apart from the week she was always with him at nights, they spend a lot of time together. He works crazy hours but he is a banker and it isn't so easy for him to go to Surrey back and forth without her noticing.

OP posts:

Original poster

Phosphene · 25/02/2013 20:31

@Lavenderhoney: he is a well-known banker and she found an article where he talked about his wife and two children.

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Xales · 25/02/2013 20:34

So he hasn't spent a single night with his kids in the last year apart from 1 week which he lied about to your friend?

Numberlock · 25/02/2013 20:37

So he wasn't even at the birth of the baby or for any time after? This doesn't add up. Has she told him she's read this article ?

LittleEdie · 25/02/2013 20:38

If you were genuinely married but separated, then you'd tell the person you'd started seeing. Wouldn't you? Why would you not say that?

Xales · 25/02/2013 20:38

What numberlock says too.

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