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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

BF found out her 'BF' is married - she wants to tell his wife

45 replies

Phosphene · 25/02/2013 19:26

My friend has been dating her BF for over a year, they live together and it was all going well. She found out yesterday that he is married with two children aged 1! and 5. She is upset about this but doesn't want to leave him and therefore tell his wife so that she hopefully leaves him etc.

I am in a very stable relationship at the moment, I am getting married soon and therefore can't feel what she is going through (her words, not mine.). How can I help her as a good friend and what's the best advice to give her?

OP posts:

Original poster

Phosphene · 25/02/2013 20:39

I don't have all the details, I can just tell you what I know from her telling me. She assumes that he wasn't round when he baby was born. However the baby is one,so could be 23 months if that makes sense and they only date since last year January.

OP posts:

Original poster

Phosphene · 25/02/2013 20:40

@numberlock she forwarded the article to him.

OP posts:

freddiemisagreatshag · 25/02/2013 20:40

This doesn't make sense. Surely he goes to see his wife and kids at the weekends?

ihearsounds · 25/02/2013 20:43

SO he didn't tell her he is married and that's it?
He has a child that chances are was conceived before they got together.
Apart from a week holiday away, he has spent every single night with her.
Sounds like him and the wife are separated. If you were married to someone you would think it a bit odd that your hubby never spent the night with you in over a year.

Did this article have his picture?

Original poster

Phosphene · 25/02/2013 20:43

Freddie: no, he doesn't. They both don't work weekends and they spend the weekends together and travel a lot.

I am a bit disgusted, because she is supposed to be my bridesmaid etc.

Oh I am so angry when I think about the children and his wife.

OP posts:

Original poster

Phosphene · 25/02/2013 20:45

No, article doesn't have his picture, however his firm is mentioned as well as his middle name etc.

Even if they are separated, I wouldn't want a future with somebody who leaves his children behind. Separated or not.

OP posts:

ihearsounds · 25/02/2013 20:46

I wouldn't either. But I also don't see the point in telling the wife that her ex hubby is now seeing someone else.

Numberlock · 25/02/2013 20:49

And she had no inkling prior to this? None of his friends or family members ever referred to kids or an ex? There were no comments that made her think hmmmm?

This is just weird, don't you agree OP?

izzyizin · 25/02/2013 20:51

He's a banker? Clearly his occupation is mis-spelt.

Xales · 25/02/2013 21:02

If he is separated then he is free to live with who he wants. If that is so I take back some of my comments.

He still failed to tell your friend he was married for a year and has only seen his kids for one week of that while year from the sounds of it.

He still actively lied to your friend about where he was going and with who.

Still not such a great catch.

Tell you friend to make sure her contraception is water tight.

Blackden · 25/02/2013 21:07

Why are you disgusted with your friend? Is it because she didn't realise he was married? Or is it because she's continuing with him even though now she knows he is married?
If I'd been involved with a guy for a year and not known he was married, then found out that not only is he married but has DC, I'd like to think that I'd dump him immediately. But you never really know until you're in the situation. And he's apparently put on a very good act indeed. Your friend probably needs a bit of support from you. Until you've got a clearer picture about all of this I'd hold off the judgment and see what the explanation is.
But, all of that said, I firmly believe this a dumpable offence, and I hope your friend feels strong enough to get rid. Very soon.
I think this is very weird indeed. Something is missing here because it doesn't make sense.

kalidanger · 25/02/2013 21:11

Phosphene - ring your BF and get all the logistics from her, and how much time they spent together and exactly what he said about his wife and DC. He may well have told the magazine that he's married with DC when actually he's seperated as that's actually true, if he's not divorced yet.

Than come back and tell us everything! I think this double-life stuff is so utterly bizarre and unbelievable but I suppose it does happen....

LIZS · 26/02/2013 08:17

Can't believe he won't have seen his dc in all that time separated or not , there must be gaps and lies. Has she met his friends , colleagues, business contacts etc ? Whose property do they live together at? Agree with others even he does stay with her , she will spend her life expecting that there will be ow and if she wants to have children of her own what pattern does that establish in terms of his priorities and commitment.

Mosman · 26/02/2013 08:28

Tell his wife she needs to know what she's dealing with.

Ormiriathomimus · 26/02/2013 11:58

No, she should dump him and then tell his wife. In that order.

scaevola · 26/02/2013 12:05

That's a whacking great lie he's being spinning her.

I bet there are more times apart than she's been telling you too.

What does she really think will happen if she tells his wife? Your friend will be dumped, the marriage may or may not survive. He'll take a new mistress who doesn't upset the facade of family life that he wants.

She's better off without him. If he were honestly separated, why not tell her? Concealing the existence of children is the action of a shit, whatever marital deal he has with his wife.

LessMissAbs · 26/02/2013 12:09

So he told your friend he is seperated, lives with her nearly all the time, hardly sees his wife and children (except to go on a holiday with them) - I don't see the lie here.

Obviously his ability to father a child and then walk away into the arms of another woman is a problem, but that doesn't seem to be what is bothering you or your friend.

The article is possibly outdated, but given your friend knew he was seperated, how can it come as such a shock to her that he is married with children? Does she now suspect he isn't fully seperated, or did she not take in what seperated means?

Bogeyface · 26/02/2013 12:27

So if he is seperated then he doesnt have access time with his children? That alone would have me thinking that either a) he isnt seperated and he is spending far more time with his wife than she thinks or b) he is a shit that will cheerfully ignore his kids for his latest shag.

Either way, no catch.

fubbsy · 26/02/2013 13:01

One of my friends was in a relationship with a married man for years. He and his wife had a third child during that time. My friend said she loved him. I guess she did love him in her way, but how can you have a respectful loving relationship with someone who lies to you? Eventually he divorced his wife. My friend thought they would be together properly then, but he dumped her shortly after.

How can you help her as a good friend? I'm not sure you can. I couldn't help my friend. She thought I 'disapproved' of her bloke and wouldn't listen to anything I said about him. We mostly didn't talk about him and still don't.

Charbon · 26/02/2013 13:44

What's obvious about this situation is that your friend is lying to you about various aspects of this situation. In turn her partner might be lying to her and also to his wife and family. You're therefore distanced from the real truth by several different people. People in your friend's situation are often quite happy to collude in lies told to other people until they get evidence of a lie told to them. At which point there is somewhat hollow indignation and false victimhood. There's no point giving advice to someone who is lying to you herself, so you should either confront that or say you don't wish to get involved.

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