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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm pretty sure DH has had a fling. What do I do now?

153 replies

HmmmWhatAMess · 19/02/2013 07:42

Firstly I have namechanged. I haven't told a soul about this and from my posts under another name I could be identified.

Ok, DH works in the UK but regularly travels abroad. I have never had any reason not to trust him, whilst here and when he was away. He's always been a good dad - although sometimes has a short fuse. With me if has always been my biggest fan, even though we have had some tough times adjusting to becoming a family.

This time if was gone longer than normal and tbh I was a bit concerned how he would cope without the dc's and I. I needn't have worried. In fact he even said on the phone how much if was enjoying it/been out drinking and clubbing with 4 girls from his hotel (alone) and also mostly with the group of men that he was working with. I encouraged him to make the most of his evenings because due to childcare he doesn't get out much. Also, I have a close male friend so I thought it couldn't be one rule for one and not the other.

So if has come back. Has about 5 photos on his phone of him and a young woman. A few are close ups of her face (in one she is wearing his hat). Others are taken in the hotel she works in (the one in which he stayed) with their arms around each other. He showed me these saying he had nothing to hide.

His phone hasn't left his side for the week that he has been back. I have discovered that he wiped messages from his work mobile that he sent to his personal and left just one with her email address on. If has also signed up to WhatsApp and deleted all old texts. He has received 120 and sent 65.

OP posts:
Mimishimi · 23/02/2013 22:23

Sorry but if he's asked you not to contact her, it sounds like he's more worried that she will find out about you than he is worried you will find out what shenanigans they got up to. She quite probably doesn't know you exist.

AgathaF · 24/02/2013 07:58

Have him checked regularly - like taking the dog to the vets for his yearly check-up and vacc? That kind of thing? FFS.

perceptionreality · 24/02/2013 10:31

I expect Rob will be going back to school on Monday...

Abitwobblynow · 24/02/2013 12:40

Yeah, Rob, I know you would love it if your other half dolled themselves up for a bit of sex worker trade.

She might even give your boss a blow job! Your colleagues would know what her snatch looked and felt like. Your friends could give her one from behind. The money would come in handy...

I mean, it doesn't mean anything, does it!

RobDile197 · 24/02/2013 20:02

There is obviously a desperate campaign on this forum to silence my voice. I am not allowed to say my say without being culled off. How democratic is that?! Okay, I accept this may be for single mums and all that, but I am certain that there are people who are willing to read my posts and decide if I am wrong or right. How will you earn the respect of people whose views you want to kill at all costs? Any wonder why there is so much hatred and acrimony in relationships?

RobDile197 · 24/02/2013 20:02

Perceptionreality, I am indeed going to school. To teach.

Thisisaeuphemism · 24/02/2013 20:51

Hi hmm, hope you doing ok and there is more clarity...

LineRunner · 24/02/2013 21:55

Just report to MNHQ if people break the guidelines and let MNHQ do the rest.

NanaNina · 24/02/2013 22:18

RobDile I am glad to see that MN HQ has deleted your post. There is no "desperate campaign" on here to silence your voice, but there are posters who are going to take issue with your comments. MN are very clear about which posts are deleted and they have seen fit to delete yours. In your post above, you make another offensive comment "OK I accept this might be for single mums and all that..........." You appear to be differentiating between single mums and married ones and that is discriminating behaviour, which is in fact unlawful.
I think if you are interested in people respecting each other's views, may I suggest that you desist from make inflammatory comments and trivialising the position of women who are in distress related to their relationships.

How concerning that you are a teacher - what do you teach "medieval history"

LineRunner · 24/02/2013 22:20

Just ignore it.

NanaNina · 24/02/2013 22:33

Yes LineRunner that's our usual tactic and I'm definitely in favour as it detracts from the support we are trying to give to the OP.

Original poster
HmmmWhatAMess · 25/02/2013 14:40

Its much the same here. They are definitely in contact. I couldn't sleep and checked his WhatsApp in the middle of the night. He then called me to tell me if knew I was snooping in the early hours. The only way if would know that is if someone had gone into his individual profile. Also, I was drying my hair upstairs so left the dryer running but sneaked a look at him downstairs (with the help of a mirrored photoframe on the stairs). If was on WhatsApp and then was looking at a photo of her.

I know the twitter ruled because IGoogle searched the first past of her email. Its definitely her and I know that he is not a follower because they all mainly seem to be Asian young women. I don't want to contact her on there because it feels like some of the things on there are adding evidence to my case IYSWIM?

He said that he is worried about this consuming me. I told him that I was checking for his messages that he deleted to prove his innocence. There was only one way to remedy that and to ask her to email the conversation. He said I asked him to sever contact so its not a possibility. I said that as far as I was concerned it was an admission of guilt.

The dc are 5 and 3 nana. So far they are faring well. To be honest I don't think they realise anything. This May be the end of our relationship but I do not want to give them any ill feelings towards their dad or for them to see any tension at home.

I wish I was coming on here being super strong and following but of your excellent advice but I can't and haven't. Not yet anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
HmmmWhatAMess · 25/02/2013 14:42

Sorry about the typos. Its this flippin phone.

OP posts:
Littleturkish · 25/02/2013 14:47

Hmmmm this sounds bad- I didn't quite follow the still in contact part- are they still messaging each other?

Did you tell him you saw him looking at her picture?

I am so angry for you.

I think you need to ask him to leave.

Me23 · 25/02/2013 14:54

I have been following your thread. You deserve to know the truth I think it's clear something has happened and the face he is still contacting her behind your back shows it was more than a friendship you can't let him get away with this. Also Angry on your behalf.

MadAboutHotChoc · 25/02/2013 15:06

Oh dear...he is taking the piss isn't he.

This is because he thinks he can get away with it and has lost respect for you - you need to take control, tell him that you deserve to be loved and respected and that he needs to go to give you space to consider your future.

This is your only chance of bursting that lust fuelled fantasy bubble - he is far too addicted to ego strokes of OW and needs to feel real consequences.

NanaNina · 25/02/2013 16:12

Agree with you MAHC - sounds like he is infatuated and cannot resist the flattery of another woman, especially if she is younger. Maybe she thinks she will get money from him if she keeps up the flattery as it did sound like she was maybe a "sex worker" in some part of Asia. Didn't really understand all about apps and twitter but that's just me. BUT this is going nowhere isn't it if she is on the other side of the world..........it will fizzle out no doubt when one or other gets tired of the only communication they can have. BUT where does that leave you............he will most certainly have lost any trust you have in him and in some cases that is never restored and that in itself can bring about the break up of a relationship.

Trouble is about taking control is that when you are emotionally very vulnerable and anxious that's the time when you are least able to be calm and rational and take control. THat's why you can't come on here feeling super strong and following advice - ye know what - it's called being human!

You must feel like you are in some sort of mad maze that yu can't get out of.
He thinks this is consuming you - sounds like classic projection to me. Well in a way you are both consumed but in different way, him in keeping up contact with this woman and you in trying to find evidence.

Yes I agree it is an admission of guilt for him to say you want him to sever contact and that's not possible of course it's bloody possible - he doesn't want to do it.

Glad the little ones aren't getting caught up in this though they usually sense more than we realise.

Keep posting if it helps......and I wish people would stop telling you to "get rid" or whatever. That is easy to tap onto a screen but life isn't that simple. Mind I suspect the end for you might come later when this is over and you will never trust him again.

AgathaF · 25/02/2013 17:23

How awful for you. You must feel very frustrated to still not have the full truth from him.

Does he understand why this is consuming you?

What do you plan to do next?

Thisisaeuphemism · 25/02/2013 17:59

I'm sorry to hear this, hmmm.

He says its consuming you, yet he persists on contacting her? Dreadful.

It sounds like you feel you need proof before you make a move. The contempt he is displaying for you right now though is certainly a valid reason to suggest he goes, if that's what you want, of course.

Stay strong.

Abitwobblynow · 25/02/2013 18:12

Oh dear, this is bringing back horrible memories. They have definitely f-ed, and he is addicted to her.

Whilst he is in the thralls of lust-crazed dementia (and choosing her), there is nothing you can do, not do, say, not say to get him out of it.

Time to throw him out, Hmmm. And let his work know.

My advice to you? (which I am doing 3 years too late). Live as though he is never coming back. WHATEVER he is doing.

Me23 · 28/02/2013 17:05

How are you hmm have you and dh spoken any more about this?

cjel · 28/02/2013 18:49

Hmm, hope you are ok?

angel1976 · 28/02/2013 21:49

Hmmm Just wanted to say you are not the only one going through this. My DH has just admitted to having 'a spark' with someone he works with, I call it an emotional affair. Our marriage hasn't been great for a while but I never thought it would come to this. To his credit, he has instigated the ending of all contact with the other OW on Monday. But I am so angry he let is it get to that point. My DCs are 5 and 3 too. DH is in his early 30s, I am in my mid 30s and we have been married coming up to 10 years so your situation resonates with mine. I really hope you will come back on here to tell us how you are getting on. DH and I have been absolutely honest with each other and there have been so very emotional chats and right at this point of time, I am hoping we will make it but I am not sure we will. Hugs to you.

cjel · 28/02/2013 22:02

so sad angel. hugs to you too.

Original poster
HmmmWhatAMess · 01/03/2013 10:40

Thanks for thinking about me. Its a strange place to be at the moment. DH knows in not happy wit what has unfolded in the past few weeks although I think he thinks he is off the hook.

I have confided in someone and they were in shock as much as me. My DH has always been my champion and biggest fan. Yes, we have had ups and downs but they thought we were tight and are in as much shock as me.

With my limited tech knowledge I can see that they are corresponding on WhatsApp. Their status' correspond. Its almost like a cryptic code that seems innocent but its not. If also updates his status as to what he is doing (eg. "busy at work") so I'm guessing that this gives his location thus letting her know he is contactable. All there stupid status' - he's on fb and never updates those. Interestingly a few weeks ago if took the photo of the both of us off his fb profile and changed it to one of himself.

He has also signed up for an instant talk message app on Monday which he deleted when he got home. Whether he sets this up at work to chat and deletes when he comes home I don't know. She also has a picture on twitter of the two of them - the one with them looking so happy and comfortable in each others company.

I think abit you asked if she was a sex worker. She is a married barmaid who is aware of the kids and myself. She has a 3yr old.

Oh angel, I'm sorry that you are going through similar. Its good that he has been honest. I foot want to put a negative spin on it but my DH's 'honesty' hasn't been honest. I have a feeling that some men will fess up and some do damage limitation. Please keep your wits about you. This snooping thing is consuming but I feel that its the only way to get the bigger picture. Please feel free to keep posting on here if you want and do read everyones advice. It really has been a good outlet for me, and the advice -as much as I knew it was - is right. You could set up your own thread if you would prefer.

I had a chat with him the other day. I told him that should she make any contact in any way I must know. I explained anything else is unacceptable to me. He agreed. Its my way of laying down the boundaries and my justification for kicking him out. As posters have said its the only way. I am sitting back, collecting my evidence and waiting for him to hang himself.

I feel stronger by the day; although I still feel very vulnerable . I'm not scared of being a lone parent or not having a man and he will realise this soon enough.

OP posts: