I'm pretty sure DH has had a fling. What do I do now?

[HmmmWhatAMess]

Firstly I have namechanged. I haven't told a soul about this and from my posts under another name I could be identified.

Ok, DH works in the UK but regularly travels abroad. I have never had any reason not to trust him, whilst here and when he was away. He's always been a good dad - although sometimes has a short fuse. With me if has always been my biggest fan, even though we have had some tough times adjusting to becoming a family.

This time if was gone longer than normal and tbh I was a bit concerned how he would cope without the dc's and I. I needn't have worried. In fact he even said on the phone how much if was enjoying it/been out drinking and clubbing with 4 girls from his hotel (alone) and also mostly with the group of men that he was working with. I encouraged him to make the most of his evenings because due to childcare he doesn't get out much. Also, I have a close male friend so I thought it couldn't be one rule for one and not the other.

So if has come back. Has about 5 photos on his phone of him and a young woman. A few are close ups of her face (in one she is wearing his hat). Others are taken in the hotel she works in (the one in which he stayed) with their arms around each other. He showed me these saying he had nothing to hide.

His phone hasn't left his side for the week that he has been back. I have discovered that he wiped messages from his work mobile that he sent to his personal and left just one with her email address on. If has also signed up to WhatsApp and deleted all old texts. He has received 120 and sent 65.

[SorryMyLollipop]

He asked you not to contact her? That does speak volumes

[TheElephantIsADaintyBird]

God I'm so glad you're not just letting it go and believing him!
It just doesn't ring true, the fact he found her very attractive and she fancied him, they spent loads of time together with alcohol in the mix and yet nothing happened...?

Someone who is committed to their partner would recognise how dangerous a situation like that could be and would immediately distance themselves from it, not bloody carry it on and even more so when he gets home!

I think he has been mixing up lies with his honesty. He DID sleep with her and the guilt is eating him up, that's why he cried.

If I was you I'd bluff him, tell him you've found something out and you want to hear the truth from him before you pack his bags and throw him out. It doesn't sound as if he is some god awful monster who's out to hurt you at every opportunity, sounds like he got carried away by a pretty young girl showing a lot of interest in him, it's understandable but not excusable.
If he can be 100% honest and be prepared to work hard to gain your trust again then you may have a chance of the relationship recovering. You won't get anywhere if he continues to hide the truth though.


Good luck OP, you do sound lovely and so undeserving of this.

[AnyFucker]

Op, you said at his work there are "too many people looking out for you" for him to get away with something like this

Where are these people now? Is there one of them you could confide in, show them the tweets ("it's finished..... Wtf ??) and see what they say? There might be somebody deliberating whether to tell you or not and waiting for a sign from you. Have you seen all the threads from people asking "should I tell?)

You shouldn't be going through this on your own

[Bluemary3000]

I'm sorry to say that a man who can't stop contact is a man who is up to something. That was a big clause for me. No further contact. He hasn't so I'm happy (ier). If he had continued then out he would have gone. My dh was also waiting out the days of his father ( he died several days after the night in question), so yes I do believe dealing with massive issues could and should be taken into account.
Good luck, stay strong and know that you def stronger than you believe you can be x

[dubdurbs]

Hmmmm, I don't know if you've tried this to recover the deleted whatsapp messages, but they have a faq section that might help

www.whatsapp.com/faq/en/general/21197296

[NanaNina]

Oh lordy Hmm so many different view points here, with the majority thinking he is lying to you.........it's trial by MN with the majority finding him guilty! I don't know either but am confused about a few things. Was your DH in some part of Asia when he met these girls. I see that some posters know the score in this part of the world , and that women do "make a play" for a white UK male - maybe thinking they are loaded? Whether or not it is my belief that the male ego is very susceptible to flattery from another woman, especially is she is younger and more attractive.

It didn't fit for me that she "wanted" him but he was restrainded enough to keep it to merely friendship, but if this was Asia he might have been aware that girls do show interest in white males and so did keep it to friendship.

You say she lives on the other side of the world, so presumably their only contact is by text.....pretty unsatsifactory I suspect, but maybe your DH is still enjoying the flattery of this girl, sending him texts saying she is missing him etc. I am limited in IT skills so don't understand this Twitter thing and you being able to talk to her. Your DH "doesn't want you to" - did he give a reason. I am assuming he did not tell this girl he was married with children! This is pure conjecture but I wonder if this thing from her about "it's finished" is the reason for the glum face, but so insensitive to tell you he feels sorry for her. I think I might have lost it at that point.

I will tell you of my experience many years ago now. My DP went on a business trip to Bulgaria (he was a college lecturer and some of the staff of the London college were meeting with staff from Sophia University in Bulgaria.) I had an idea that he had "connected" with a woman from the Uni.
When he came back he was pre-occupied and very soon after we were going on holiday to France and on the ferry I said to him "I think you'd rather be going back to Bulgaria than France wouldn't you" and he said "I don't know" and I was utterly furious............we rowed on and off for the entire 2 weeks. The first thing he did when we got to the campsite was go to buy a post card (which he has never ever done before) and I knew it was for her, and he gave me this crap about Bulgarians "liking pictures of the sea" because they lived so far inland!!! FFS!

I continued to be suspicious and unsetted and jealous (as you say Hmm) not because he might have slept with her, but the emotional intimacy and that she appeared to matter more to him than I did. That's the way I took it anyway. A month or so later I found an airmail letter in his pocket from the Bulgarian woman, saying she was sorry but she couldn't see any future for them because of the distance and different cultures etc. SO he had been trying to think of ways they could be together!! I saw RED!!!! and we had an enormous row. The whole thing fizzled out but I never trusted him again and still don't to this day.........some 20 years later.

THAT I'm afraid is the issue - for many people once trust has gone it never comes back, or maybe it does for the fortunate ones. Writing this has brought it all to the surface again and my DP has just come in the room and said "I'm going down town" and I said "what for"............and he looked puzzled and said "to get my prescription and look in the Music shop" SO there I was amazingly suspicious of him, that I haven't felt for a very long time. I said he looked puzzled when I asked him what he was going to town for, and he laughed and said "I couldn't understand why you were asking" - I am staggered at the way that writing about it, brings it all back to the surface. Of course it's so long ago the emotions are manageable and I can see how strange it was to ask him why he was going to town.

We came through it but the search for evidence can become addictive and it causes so much upset and misery. I haven't any advice really but I am feeling huge empathy for you as it is a horrible position to be in. I've kept my account as brief as poss but there was a lot more to it which caused me so much misery.

Is there anyone in RL in whom you can confide - although I know it's not easy to talk to someone about this. My best friend in whom I confided in for many years was terminally ill with cancer when all this was going on, and so I had no-one else to talk to. I can't say anything that will make you feel any better and you are going to feel confused and upset.............think it's a good idea to stay away from the thread for a while. I do find that in these situations there are too many poster telling you to "pack his bags" etc but life is not that simple is it.

Oh just thought of the £2 per day for lunch and this does sound very odd to me - surely this has arisen for a reason. I wonder why this is the case and does he not have credit cards etc. Anyway no more questions as you have enough of those going round in your head. That bloody tape in your head keeps running doesn't it...............the more you try to switch it off the more it plays. Sorry that was my experience and may not be yours.

Take care of yourself as best you can.

[fiventhree]

NanaNina that was a perfect account of what it feels like even a year or two afterwards, for many of us.

A depressing thought , but honest, and thought provoking too.

[NanaNina]

Thanks fiventhree but 20+ years in my case, though obviously much diluted!

[Abitwobblynow]

Caring about her feelings: not good. Means an investment.

I remember this shocking moment - when on discovery my husband wanted to protect HER from me.

How are you Hmmmm?

[HmmmWhatAMess]

Hi guys, two shifts at work done and its been a relief to get out of the house. Its been I bit strained with DH. He's concerned that if I can't get my head around it its going to be the end of us. I have told him I need time.

I still don't know exactly where my head is right now so I'm not making any rash decisions.

AF, you asked about the people in his workplace. Its a mix of family and friends. I really do have many people that I could talk to but I can't bring myself to yet. Part of of thinks that if I told and if was telling the truth they would meet view us in the same way again. Strangely enough I did tell a girl I work with this evening. I don't know why I told her as she doesn't have any experience with marital problems - she's only 21 but it was nice to speak about it even though I felt embarrassed for myself and him/ashamed/vulnerable .I have decide that I will speak to his sister next week. She and I get on fantastic and I know that she will have my interests at heart (as silly as it sounds). I will also talk to my male friend but at the moment he is in the wilderness in Morocco.

TheElephant I'm not sure if I could buff him. I'm still monitoring her twitter which has had more sort about how sad she is/a broken vow/how love is sometimes loving and getting nothing in return bollocks. Her certainly not on twitter so its not being wrote for his benefit so I'm guessing that if they do converse soon her tone will change...although I realise that I can't do it forever. It just line of gives me a little secret and insight I guess. Oh, and bless my lovely colleague, she said she didn't think she was particularly attractive and had nothing on me. Although she did say she looked about 21.

Thanks for the link dubs. That's the one that I have been following to the letter and its not working for me. Damn technology. It could have answered all of my questions because I haven't got a blue what is truth and what is lies.

Yes nana,its a big city Asia way (don't want to say), but yes, beautiful girls and prostitutes plenty. As exotic they were to him he was a handsome, rich Englishman. I remember when we went to Thailand years ago. Its was almost as if the girls were in awe of my clothe,makeup and bags. They really do think westerners have it all.

Reading the couple of quid for lunch. Its just enough to get a bus of coffee from the machine and a pie for lunch. He has on issues with cash or cards. Tbh, he doesn't have much interest with money so I will be able to see a change straight away if it occurs.

Also, in sorry that others have had to go through this. It really is quite shit.

Thanks Abit and to others for enquiring on my welfare. I am feeling a bit wobbly, tired, vacant and sad - but that won't last too long. I can't and won't let it.

Also, before I found out about this I started a course of tablets to stop me smoking. Great timing. Anyhow, my date to give up should be one day next week and in still going to go ahead. I need to have some control over my life at the moment.

[HmmmWhatAMess]

I'm sure you get the drift despite my auto correct fails!

[Contradictionincarnate]

boy I am naive I think I believed what you said he said went on ... that it was text chat and that it was a few days of flattery I know when I had a friend I felt a little for that I ended up crying out of guilt though nothing had happened speak to your dh get a babysitter and get out on some date nights.
I think that talking things through more is the way through this and to stay together if that is what you decide. I would say that you should explain you just can't move on from it...
think honesty and not pushing him away are key.

[Littleturkish]

I'm sorry it's all so shit.

Please look after yourself, HE is clearly not looking out for you and you are very vulnerable right now.

He is clearly lying and not telling you the whole truth- if that's because there was more to it and he doesn't want you finding out, or if he intends to back off from her a bit then get in contact again later (hence the reluctance for you to contact her) then either way- you've got a lying cheat.

Such a hard situation and made worse by his open concern about her over you.

[AgathaF]

He's concerned that if I can't get my head around it its going to be the end of us. I have told him I need time.

The problem is that you can't get your head around something that you don't know the full facts for. Perhaps if he was more honest and open, and if he put your feelings first, you might be able to get your head around it a little easier.

Good luck for the not smoking.

[Thisisaeuphemism]

Yes, 'he's concerned that if i can't get around it, it's going to be the of us..'
What a terrible message that is - he had some kind of intimate relationship overseas that he was continuing in secret here - and yet, you're the one who is spoiling everything.
He still doesn't get it.

[Hissy]

He wants the spotlight to go away, you to stop thinking about it, and life to be the way it was before you found out what he did.

He wants NO consequences.

If he can't see that it'll take as long as it takes for you to process this and decide what to do, and that his PRESSURE for you to STFU and get over it is about the worst thing ever, then tbh, it's pointing to the fact that there's way more than he's telling you.

He needs to leave the house for a while. You need to tell some family, and get some support.

[fiventhree]

Oh well done Hmmm.

There are always consequences!

[Abitwobblynow]

OK, the other not good sign - a vow broken. What vow? This wasn't as minimal as he says it was.

Good thing you are on those tablets, if they are the ones I am thinking of, they are also an antidepressant which is probably what you need right now.

He has no right to ask you to get over anything. Buy him Shirley Glass NOT Just Friends and tell him he has to read it. From cover to cover, and give you a precis of every chapter.

DO NOT READ IT yourself. Why? Because he has to do some work. If he doesn't want to, Loveyoulongtime is waiting in the wings and throw him into her open, loving arms and open, loving legs.

Stay calm and Throw him away, Hmmmm (that increases your power). Please don't make the mistake I made at this time and beg/scream/abuse/do all the reading. All that let him know was how much power he has d

[NanaNina]

Hmm I am extremely limited with IT though am on FB. I'm signed up to twitter but don't understand it. Can I ask how you know this is the woman in question on twitter. How do you know your DH isn't on twitter. Does he know you are on it. Could u tweet this girl and ask why she is so heartbroken or doesn't twitter work like that.

This girl as you say is on the other side of the world so the thing will have to fizzle out - ok maybe there will be texts for a short time but it can't go anywhere else can it. You could take him by surprise and say "hope you wore a condom with that Asian woman" and he might just be taken off guard and say "of course I did" - worth a try. It worked for me once! He may be telling the truth if she was a prostitute which would fit as he says she was wanting sex and he wouldn't agree.

I thought posters were being a bit over the top about getting checked out for STDs but if she was some kind of prostitute it may be worthwhile.

Ask him why he showed you those photos because I think the one with the girl with his hat on is really screwing you up. Do you have the photos on your phone (again my lack of technology) as you showed them to a girl at work.

Do you have children btw and if so how are they faring with the tension in the household.

[slipshodsibyl]

'Vows broken' is not necessarily as dire as it seems. Over emotional, sentimental cliches are very commonly used in expressing oneself. They do things differently there.

[howdoo]

Robdile, you are ON FIRE tonight, arncha??

If OP or anyone else was thinking of taking any of Robdile's "advice", I suggest you look at the What if DH Tells you he's Wanking thread, where he (I presume) is being an absolute treasure...

[Binfullofmaggotsonth45]

That'll be removed shortly I think, Howdoo......

[coppertop]

"Whatever you do, don't be dishonest. And don't break your family over something as trivial as an affair."

If only the OP's dh had followed that advice too eh, Rob? There'd be no need for this thread.

[Binfullofmaggotsonth45]

Exactly Coppertop! It is soooo much easier on the children to try and act normal and in love whilst you work through the reasons why your husband cheated, and trust is such an easy thing to gain back quickly.