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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I want to call OW - please talk to me about why I should or shouldn't

76 replies

AloneSoon · 11/02/2013 11:49

H had a long affair which I found out about a few weeks ago.

I have the OW mobile number and I want to call her and ask if it really started when he says it did (was it going on longer)? Did she really think it was all over between me and him? What lies did he spin her?

I know deep down that I will not achieve anything constructive. But by god I want to do it.

OP posts:

KirstyoffEastenders · 11/02/2013 11:52

She will most likely hang up and you'll feel worse.

If you really want to talk to her send her a text and then she can call you if she wants to.

CartedOff · 11/02/2013 11:54

You will in all likelihood not get the answers you want, a mouthful of abuse is far more likely. Or her repeating what your husband told her about you back at you. And that will be horrible to hear. She will probably be defensive and angry. You take a big risk of exposing yourself to more hurt if you ring her.

fieldfare · 11/02/2013 11:55

I would advise against it. You'll only feel worse afterwards.

Tough I know, but I really wouldn't do it.

Original poster

AloneSoon · 11/02/2013 11:55

But then she'd have forewarning to concoct a story with H.

I know there's very little chance of me getting any info out of her. But I still want to call her.

May have to hide my phone!

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/02/2013 11:56

Your problem is not with the OW it is with your husband.... She's an easy target because she's 'other' but he was the one that promised to love, honour and blah blah blah but has welshed on the deal. Direct your anger where it truly belongs.

Original poster

AloneSoon · 11/02/2013 11:58

This is so hard. It's unbelievable how someone betraying your trust can make you hurt.

I shall not call her. I should hide her number somewhere really inaccessible so I'm not tempted next time I have a glass of wine.

OP posts:

Rooneyisalwaysmoaning · 11/02/2013 11:58

She will be frightened of you, and she may be unpleasant. Or lie to you.

You will not know if you have got the truth from her.

It's not really you place to call her, you have no role in her life and she has none in yours - you're both connected to your H, that's all and owe one another nothing.

I'm not sure it will do any good. Unless you wish to forge a relationship with her over your husband - I've had someone try and do this with me before (and changed my number - he had left her to be with me, then gone back to her when I dumped him, but she couldn't believe he wasn't still seeing me)

I think you're best keeping away from her, I really do.

NettleTea · 11/02/2013 11:59

chances are he has already told her what to say if it was several weeks ago. She may hope that things will be resumed if she does what he asks, so you may not necessarily get the truth. She may also be angry as she may or may not have known about you, and she might make things out to be far worse than they were to try to split you and him up, if she feels he is a prize worth causing trouble for, or if she wants revenge.
She may be frightened about what she thinks you might do to her, and she could accuse you of harrassment and get the police involved if she feels threatened.
You have to remember that he has lied to you and most probably lied to her as well. She may well have thought he was separated or divorced, or if this has been going on for a long time, that he was leaving, and has kept her hanging on a string with hollow promises for ages.
If you dont trust your husband has told you the truth (and given he has been lying to both of yo for some time, thats quite probable) then that is what you should be focussing on.

LaurieFairyCake · 11/02/2013 11:59

Because it will give her a thrill, make her part of the drama, see herself as really important.

Don't do it.

Original poster

AloneSoon · 11/02/2013 11:59

Thanks everyone. I know I shouldn't. It would just feel so good to be doing something. But I won't.

OP posts:

scaevola · 11/02/2013 12:00

Unless you think the affair is continuing and the OW doesn't know he's married (in which case, a short unemotional conversation to impart that fact might be worthwhile) then don't do it because there is no point.

You won't get truth or closure from her.

Spellcheck · 11/02/2013 12:01

Nooooo!! From experience I can tell you that will regret it!

Pro's: You will feel you've got it off your chest; You might find out something

Cons: You will feel weakened, and a bit pathetic in her eyes; she will not feel guilty; she will think you are crazy, perpetuating all the shit your H will have fed her about you; It will increase their cosy bond; She won't tell you everything... oh God the list is endless, seriously.

Please, please think about it first! If you decide to do it then at least write a script for yourself first. And stick to it. Don't be hysterical! Be calm and strong. Don't let her put the phone down on you before you've said you will send on his fungal foot powder and piles cream.

Bastard. I've been where you are and it's crazy-making, but always best not to let the fuckers know. Seriously. xx

Original poster

AloneSoon · 11/02/2013 12:02

Some good points - thank you.

She did see him as a god catch - he's an exec, earns loads on the face of it (she doesn't know about his debts). So she might make things even harder.

I guess my real problem is that the trust has completely gone. I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust that way again.

OP posts:

Scootee · 11/02/2013 12:02

She will lie to you. She is deceitful and has proved this by being with a married man. Don't call her, she's a liar and it will not help.

Rooneyisalwaysmoaning · 11/02/2013 12:03

The thing is it won't make her feel more important imo, it'll make your husband think he's shifted some of the responsibility though. And that's not a good thing.

Original poster

AloneSoon · 11/02/2013 12:05

Ok, I'm feeling better now about not calling her. Thanks Spellcheck - crazy-making is exactly the right phrase.

Any benefit of getting things off my chest will be far outweighed by the negatives. I will look like the crazy harping woman and she'll milk that to H.

OP posts:

Rooneyisalwaysmoaning · 11/02/2013 12:06

Some OWs are really relieved to tell the whole story to the wife/someone/anyone who will listen. she may not lie. But you won't believe her even if she tells you everything you want to know.

I know this from experience. I told the truth whenI was contacted and it was never enough - she was just deflecting the questioning/mistrust onto me, instead of her H who it actually mattered that she trusted. She still didn't believe me and kept ringing me up to ask again and again.

It shouldn't have mattered what I said anyway.

AnyFucker · 11/02/2013 12:06

Are you and H trying to mend your relationship ?

if so, he should not be in contact with her at all.

ethelb · 11/02/2013 12:06

In the nicest way possible, no you shouldn't as she owes you no more than the next person tbh. So she will get defensive, and nasty and everyone will be more upset all round.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/02/2013 12:07

"She is deceitful and has proved this by being with a married man. "

Cards on the table here... I've been the OW before now. Very discreet and no-one ever found out. If the DW had called me I would have been quite surprised but my answer would have been 'talk to your husband'... not gloating, lying or whatever else people are assuming. Affairs may be hurtful when revealed and OWs may be misguided but they generally do not have three heads.

Original poster

AloneSoon · 11/02/2013 12:07

It's just that she fucking knew he was married AND she fucking met my kids. Who were obviously still viewing mummy and dad day as one unit.

I am pissed off at her. I am pissed off far more at H but I am still pissed off at her.

OP posts:

BiteTheTopsOffIcedGems · 11/02/2013 12:08

Instead write down to us what you want to say, get it off your chest. Or write her a note and tear it up.
Mumsnet is good for swearing if you want us to help out.
Just don't contact her. It will be worse for you if you do.

ethelb · 11/02/2013 12:10

"It's just that she fucking knew he was married AND she fucking met my kids."
"She is deceitful and has proved this by being with a married man. "

So did your husband I am afraid.

MoodyDidIt · 11/02/2013 12:11

i'm gonna go against the grain here and say call her

tbh most OW's get fucked over by the men as well (i know not as much as the DWs before anyone jumps on me) ...i would imagine she would tell you the truth as she has nothing to lose now, your dh does.

and yes i know this from experience as an OW, sorry....

Rooneyisalwaysmoaning · 11/02/2013 12:12

so it's not about asking her how long? Is it more you just want to confront her?

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