I want to call OW - please talk to me about why I should or shouldn't

[AloneSoon]

H had a long affair which I found out about a few weeks ago.

I have the OW mobile number and I want to call her and ask if it really started when he says it did (was it going on longer)? Did she really think it was all over between me and him? What lies did he spin her?

I know deep down that I will not achieve anything constructive. But by god I want to do it.

[BornToFolk]

She'll lie to you and you won't feel any better. Delete her number.

One of the hardest things I had to accept when exP had his affair was that I was never, ever going to know the full truth of what happened. In my case it didn't really matter as exP left once he was discovered and decided he didn't want to try again with me (I was still considering it). I just had to make my peace with being lied to and I think I have now.

[PeppermintPasty]

I had unwelcome contact from the ow often, my dp was a bastard at the time, but she was a fruitloop. When it all came crashing down she practically stalked me, thinking he was hiding out at mine (he wasn't).

Prior to her behaving like this, I had confronted her when I didn't know for sure and she lied and lied and took great pleasure in it(I later found out). And yes, my confronting her gave her confidence-it made her think she "had me on the run" (that was her mindset) and I think I opened myself up to her later unwanted attention.

I felt very sorry for her in the end, still do a bit.

What I'm trying clumsily to say, is that you just never know what's going on in someone else's head, what with the lies he may have fed her too. It is ultimately pointless, but I think you know this. And with the distance of years, I know now that my subsequent course of action-ie stepping away and not feeding the beast, made the drama die away for them both a lot quicker.

How is your husband behaving now? Are you getting the answers you want/need?

[ItsOkayItsJustMyBreath]

I contacted the last OW and I don't feel too bad about it. She was so awful and I just wanted her to realise the consequences of their actions (ds now only sees his dad a couple of times a week). I had found their stupid sexy messages to each other and wanted to embarrass her which I think I did. I had already decided to throw X out and wanted her to feel a bit of pain too. I also wanted her to know that he had done it before and that she wasn't special.

Not very mature, I know, but it did make me feel so much better. Just look at why you want to contact her and what you want to achieve from talking to her. If you are feeling very fragile I wouldn't recommend it.

[AloneSoon]

We are trying to mend our relationship.

I'm not sure if I will be able to get over this now. It's starting to really sink in, the amount of lying he did over the 8 months this affair was going on.

[AnyFucker]

he should not be in contact with her

The fact that you are worried that if you speak to her, she will run to your H is a massive red flag

[Chubfuddler]

Off load to us

Do not contact her. She will either lie, or she'll enjoy the power trip, or even if she isn't a cow you won't believe what she says. So it's all pointless.

[ItsOkayItsJustMyBreath]

I really feel for you. Remember, you don't have to make any decisions right now. Take your time and think of yourself.

[Spellcheck]

So he's told you what he wants you to hear and you don't trust him? Are you patching things up?
It's probably best if you leave her out of it, really. He did the dirty on you, if he's decided they are over and he's staying with you then he's made his choice. Part of the recovery together may be you having to accept that you may never find out everything. A hideous thing to contemplate, I know.
I found out things about my exH and his affair (with someone who worked for me in our company) bit-by-bit, over time, and every new piece of info killed me. It was never enough, I went on digging and hunting and destroyed myself and any hope of mending things in the process. I should have accepted what he told me, alongside the fact that he wanted to make amends, and worked with that and our counselling.
We would probably have split up anyway but I would have emerged with more dignity.

[PeppermintPasty]

Well, I'm sorry for what you are going through. Prepare yourself for the ups and the downs, ime they go on for a long long time. We are 6 or 7 years past, and there are still repercussions. Not around ow of course, but the mammoth deceit.

Try a bit of counselling if you haven't already, it doesn't cure things, but it helps heal, IF you have a good counsellor, so choose with care! (excuse me if you already are, not teaching you to suck eggs etc etc)

[CartedOff]

Just remember that it's okay to have some physical space away from your H and want to mend your relationship at the same time. You don't have to force yourself into fixing mode right away, you need time to think things through.

[ivykaty44]

Ok so you phone the OW and you ask her

when did the affair start - she will probably confirm your stbex lied

what lies did he spin ow/her - you know he has lied to her, so leave her in an illusion that he only lies to others

if you are trying to mend your relationship then the biggest part is going to be trust - you don't trust him now as you want confirmation of his lies, how is that goign to help you rebuild your relationship?

[AloneSoon]

I know, I know that he is the real liar and not her.

But I can't help how I feel. I am angry with her, but after reading all the posts, I am not angry enough to call her and escalate the whole thing. She probably does feel betrayed too - who knows what lies he spun her about me and him. I just don't have it in me to feel sorry for her though!

[CoteDAzur]

If you call her, she will probably call your H. It's the perfect excuse to call him "Your W called me today, and I thought I'd let you know".

I'm guessing that you don't really want those to be in contact again.

[PeppermintPasty]

You are right to be angry with her as well as him. Go easy on yourself and give it a bit of time

[ivykaty44]

are you angry with your partner? Or just angry with her?

tbh why would you want to telephone her and make yourself vulnerable to her? which is what you will do if you pick up the phone, she can tell you wahtever she likes - she could also lie if she thinks you are ging to stay together - she oculd cause you more heartache.

if you want to stay with your other half then you need to try ans wade through his lies not worry about whether someone else is lieing as well

[AloneSoon]

A few new posts while I was typing that.

I think what I really need is someone to offload to. Someone to rant to, say what this has done to me, work out a way of getting through it with dignity.

I am directing all the energy I should be spending on working out what I want, into needing to know exactly what happened. It's actually kind of enough to know as much as I do already. He's betrayed me in all ways - emotionally, physically and mentally.

How do I find a good counsellor who will work with me on what I want long term?

[Spellcheck]

Hmm sorry OP, cross-posted with everyone. I'm typing very slowly on hateful iPad one-handed while I feed baby from new, much better, though cash-poorer relationship with caring, considerate fabulous man. See - affair doesn't always mean the end of the world...

Loads of experience and hand-holding on Mumsnet, everyone here will get you through, no matter what happens!

[PeppermintPasty]

Try //www.bacp.co.uk x

[AloneSoon]

To the poster that asked - I am seriously pissed off at him. Much angrier with him than her. He's the one who had two women dangling at the same time.

[AloneSoon]

Spellcheck - that's good to hear that you moved on and have a new family - congrats on the baby!

I always thought infidelity would be the deal breaker. That I would throw him out. But I haven't. And I don't know what I want longer term.

Thanks for the link - will look it up.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Is your real problem that you feel obliged to keep the marriage going? Have you told him to sling his hook?

[IfNotNowThenWhen]

I wouldn't.
She may well contact you though.
I was in your position a few years ago-my H had a secret affair for a long time. After I found out I wanted to rip her head off, but did nothing. Then a bit later I received an email from her-a long, self-pitying, utterly deluded email which professed to acknowledge my hurt, but actually was just to try and justify the relationship, and let me know exactly how long it had been going on.
After reading that, I realised how pointless getting into any kind of dialogue would be, and sent back 2 lines : "Stay away from me.I am not interested."
And then ignored any further contact.
After I had left H and re-started my life, I felt like I had kept my dignity. Besides which, he was an abusive twat, so actually OW did me a favour.

[AloneSoon]

And CoteDAzur makes a very good point. H is showing me any texts or emails he receives from her. He is not responding. If I call her, she has something to engage him with.

I will not call her.

You have all made me feel better - thank you so much. I probably would have worked myself up and ended up calling her if I hadn't posted.

[ivykaty44]

it isn't easy either way - whether you stay together or part, working out what you want is the main thing to concentrate on, not what he did or she did.

Concentrate on thinking about you where do you see yourself in your life and what do you think will make you happy and contented

[AloneSoon]

I do feel a bit like I am obliged to try. We have young DC and have been together since we were young.

Just had a call from the Relate counsellor we saw last year (called them last week to see if she had any spaces free). We only spoke briefly and she said 'you don't have to decide what you want to do for the rest of your life right now. It is perfectly ok to make a decision that works for you for you short term and change your mind a few months later'.

Perhaps that's what I need. To really take my time working out if I can get over the deceit and not stress a out making a decision to make a go of it, forever, right now.