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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

i am 50 my husband is 63 and i want to leave him.

31 replies

tracy1962 · 06/02/2013 17:41

He is a bully, is constantly picking fault with us both. He is unemployed and has no plans to work. I want to leave him. Cannot get my head around the fact that he is older, has no job and I would feel guilty.

OP posts:

Dryjuice25 · 06/02/2013 17:48

But how long is he going to work for if he is nearly retired? If you are resentful, it doesn't matter how old he is does it? People break up at any age for any reason. If you feel dragged down by his personality and lack of motivation, then ultimately, you won't be happy with him.

Good luck. Are you looking for a toyboy

wannabedomesticgoddess · 06/02/2013 17:53

Age is really irrelevant.

If he was 30 and you 20 you would still feel guilty because he has bullied you into feeling that you owe him something. You dont.

Leave him.

cozietoesie · 06/02/2013 17:55

Leaving aside the feelings and what you want out of life, check out the legal and financial side before you make any decisions. He could be entitled to a thumping great proportion of your assets, including your pension if you have pension entitlement.

If you want to proceed, best to do so in an informed way.

Timetoask · 06/02/2013 17:56

How long have you been together? Has he always been like this or is it a sudden change?
I ask because I wonder if he might be getting ill?

ClippedPhoenix · 06/02/2013 18:06

He sounds like a right catch OP.

I'd leave and not look back no matter what age he was.

Original poster

tracy1962 · 06/02/2013 18:32

Thanks, I suppose I am concerned because he will have no job therefore no income, where as I work and would be ok for money

OP posts:

Dryjuice25 · 06/02/2013 18:42

Does he expect you to financially look after him? If he has no reason why he should get a job then you are not being unreasonable as I think I would feel like you in that situation.

cozietoesie · 06/02/2013 18:52

tracy

I don't know your detailed circumstances or where you live - but you might not be OK for money depending on some factors (eg if you had to pay him money to offset his loss of his share of your joint assets, including your pension fund if you have one.) Please get some financial and legal advice on the matter.

Lovingfreedom · 06/02/2013 19:18

You'll need to share assets but if you want out then why not? If you are serious see a solicitor and start to work out likely scenarios on the finances. One life...up to you what you do with it. Good luck.

cozietoesie · 06/02/2013 19:38

Absolutely. But as I said, best to do so from a position of knowledge.

amillionyears · 06/02/2013 19:40

Is he picking fault with himself as well?

It doesnt sound like he is bothered that he is unemployed.

Do you really want to leave him? I am not so sure that you do in your heart of hearts.

Lovingfreedom · 06/02/2013 19:51

No offence but how know can you know that amillionyears? Worth OP knowing options then she can decide to stay or split but not feel trapped.

SageMist · 06/02/2013 19:56

Imagine how you want things to be in 5 years time, then 10, then 20. Do you want to be in the same situation?

Think seriously about going to Relate, either together, or alone if he wont go with you. Find out about the financial stuff, arm yourself with information.

Then do something, because if you don't nothing will change.

amillionyears · 06/02/2013 19:56

Which bit Lovingfreedom?

Lovingfreedom · 06/02/2013 20:02

Not so sure you do in your heart of hearts....Yes this is a question...but nothing in OP suggests this is the dilemma as described....more that she'd feel guilty about leaving him.

Springdiva · 06/02/2013 22:07

I wouldn't worry about leaving him on his own because there is a shortage of older men (on woman's hour this was mentioned as older men can form relationship with younger woman whereas it's harder for older women in case anyone comes back at me asking for proof of this )so the chances are he will meet someone else soon if he makes an effort .

amillionyears · 06/02/2013 22:11

Yes, but her reason that it is because he doesnt have a job isnt actually bothering him.

Lovingfreedom · 06/02/2013 22:21

Yeah...he's happy to sponge off OP isn't he?

Jux · 07/02/2013 08:58

You're not happy with him.
He's content to sponge off you.
Dump him.

2rebecca · 07/02/2013 09:15

If you are unhappy with him, no longer love him and can afford to leave then leave. He will be entitled to half the marital assets including your pension (under Scottish law not sure how English differs) so won't be left with nothing. Although he isn't working now I presume he has in the past and will have built up a pension.
If he had married someone the same age as him she'd possibly have retired by now and they'd just be living on pensions and jobseekers allowance, having a younger wife has benefited him so far.

Original poster

tracy1962 · 07/02/2013 13:07

The house is in my name only, I know he entitled to half of it, but does any know how I stand if I were to leave it and him in it?

OP posts:

Jux · 07/02/2013 14:35

Try Legal. They'll know.

On the whole it seems to be disadvantageous to leave the home. Are there minors involved?

I believe if you ask him to leave and he refuses, you are able to call the police to eject him. As the house is in your name oly, this may be your best recourse.

You say he's a bully. Are you scared of his reaction? If so, definitely call the police unless he goes quietly.

If you leave him in the house, then he is much better placed to delay things, which would accord with the power over others which motivates bullies.

milbracat · 07/02/2013 15:22

"I believe if you ask him to leave and he refuses, you are able to call the police to eject him. "

Jux Do you think that a spouse can just eject the other willy nilly like that? The OP hasn't been specific about the bullying, so in the absence of real physical violence what grounds has she got? Can a husband chuck out his wife (especially if she isn't working) if he thinks she is scrounging?

Whatever happened to "for better or worse" and "for richer or poorer" as marriage vows? My DH said regarding gay marriage a couple of days ago that on balance he thinks they might be a better model of togetherness and partnership that many straight marriage. Two people of the same gender would get married because they want to and not to comply with pressure from society, that two men or two women are more likely to have shared interests and activities and that one does not have to guess the thought patterns of the other. I think he has a point.

Jux · 07/02/2013 16:05

Yes, I was reading rather a lot into the op which wasn't there.

Jux · 07/02/2013 16:07

Apologies, tracy1962. Ignore my post. I shall ask for it to be deleted.

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