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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can I have moan about not so d h

36 replies

Ballyk · 16/01/2013 10:31

He is really really pissing me off lately, I started a new job yesterday only a few hours a week to ease me back into the world of work. I got up normal time 6:45 got all 4 dc ready eldest 2 off to school, drove 10 miles to drop 2 little dc with child care then onto my new job, I then picked up little dc took them to a docs appointment, dropped with friend while I went to have a filling, picked them up and eldest dc, then we all went to an after school activity for the 2 eldest.
Dh rang as we was leaving I told him I would bring in something for dinner and to set table. I picked dinner and drove the 15 mile journey home.
Walked in house looked like a bomb site no table set dh on Xbox.
Anyway got all dc ready for bed, tidied up, did laundry etc finally sat down. Did he ask be about my new job no did he hell, he sat in the bedroom and watched a movie.i was so exhausted I fell asleep on the sofa and woke late this morning.
He had already gone to work, had made himself a lunchbox, hadn't done dc any and hadn't even woke them .
I'm fuming he's such a selfish self centred twat!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Ballyk · 16/01/2013 10:33

Just read that back its v long and rambling but feel so much better for getting it out

OP posts:
CailinDana · 16/01/2013 10:34

Is he normally like this?

Sugarice · 16/01/2013 10:36

Shock BallyK, that's awful behaviour off him, selfish arse!

When you came in with the food, did you not lose your rag when you saw him sat on his arse?

MajesticWhine · 16/01/2013 10:37

Maybe he is used to you doing everything if you haven't been working. You need to talk to him and get him to pull his weight with the house and DC.

Lueji · 16/01/2013 10:38

I'm not saying LTB (yet...), but he is a bastard.

He didn't even wake you up?

And why did he call yesterday when he was leaving?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/01/2013 10:56

Time for a very serious chat about selfishness and expectations. Now that you're working outside the home jobs inside the home have to be divided out differently so that it's fair on everyone in the household..... and that includes the children. If that takes a rota or something else formal until everyone gets the hang of the new way things work, so be it.

Original poster
Ballyk · 16/01/2013 10:59

Yes it is quite normal for him not to be very interested in what I do, but a new job I have been lookin forward to I really (stupidly) thought he may be interested into how it had gone.
Ye I lost my rag told him the least he coukd of done was clear table, got out plates etc
He is used to me doing everything with regards to the home and Dcs but I had told him before hand what a busy day I would be having.
No he didn't even wake me, he called me yesterday to see where I was even he had been told what the plans were for the day

OP posts:
Lueji · 16/01/2013 11:15

I'd say that you stop volunteering to do everything and tell him to do some of those things.

For example, he should be responsible for getting the children out some days, and should bring dinner home when you work. Or cook dinner.

Somehow, though, I suspect it won't be simple, if he can't be arsed to wake up his wife from the sofa and make sure the children will be on time to school.

I wonder if he even wants you to work.

HeyJo · 16/01/2013 11:17

I don't have much advice I'm afraid but here's a joke to cheer you up:

Husband says to his wife: "When I die I'm going to leave everything to you."
Wife replies: "You already do, you lazy bastard!"

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/01/2013 11:22

"the least he coukd of done was clear table, got out plates etc"

This is why you need instructions rather than assumptions. In an ideal world he'd pick up the baton without being asked but, left to his own devices, this one clearly isn't going to do anything off his own initiative. So be very clear about what you expect him (and the children) to do and it's more likely to happen.

AbigailAdams · 16/01/2013 11:32

Oh bollocks, does she need instructions. He is an adult. He knows tables don't get set and houses don't get tidied by the magic fairy in the sky. He is sat there quite willing to let her do the work. She asked him anyway to set the table and he still didn't.

And why is it her responsibility to make him see what needs to be done? Does he not have eyes? He isn't doing it because he thinks she should be doing the domestic chores, not because he doesn't know what to do. He knows the children go to school. He knows how to make breakfast (he made it for himself after all). He is making a conscious choice not to do these things and to be a selfish lazy arse.

I would just stop doing anything for him if he is being like this. Seriously no washing his clothes, cooking his food or tidying away his stuff.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/01/2013 11:39

If he's lazy & selfish and she down-tools all you create is a stand-off and a house full of crap. How does that help the situation or the relationship? I'm talking about expectation-setting (for the whole family) and man management being a better solution than either making assumptions or going straight for locking horns. Yes, he should be doing this stuff anyway.

CailinDana · 16/01/2013 11:43

I would normally be of the "down tools" brigade, but seeing as this is a new job I think it's worth having a serious chat about chores and expectations before resorting to that. I would give him the (very very slim) benefit of the doubt - that seeing as this is a new situation he hasn't thought it through and is being dense. Although, that said, with 4 children I would expect him to be doing quite a lot around the house whether you work or not OP.

Anyhow, time to sit down and lay out everything that needs to be done, then divide it all up. And set down how your work days are going to be managed.

The way he didn't ask you about your new job is really mean though :(

AbigailAdams · 16/01/2013 11:45

Perhaps, however I think that this is a problem with his attitude and that will be very difficult to change because he believes Bally should be doing this stuff.

Hopefully I am wrong.

CailinDana · 16/01/2013 11:52

You could be right Abigail. I think it's worth giving the chat a go, and if that doesn't work then resort to something more serious, whatever the OP feels might work. I would be in favour of downing tools.

mammadiggingdeep · 16/01/2013 11:57

Totally unacceptable behavior from your dh. If you read it back, he did absolutely nothing towards child care at all...you have four children!!! That's a real two man job/ all hands on deck scenario! I have two children and am on maternity leave, at times I feel frustrated at the lack of help but he would always get children ready for bed/ do potty trips/ night feeds as a minimum. Basically you may as well as been the only adult present there. Does he resent you getting this job? You must ask for more help, you can't carry on like that! Hope the new job goes well by the way :)

mammadiggingdeep · 16/01/2013 11:59

Just thinking- if he doesn't help when you've asked, any chance you could ask him to pay for a cleaner?? I know it's not the point at all but just thinking of ways you can save yourself from having a breakdown from exhaustion!!!!!!

Original poster
Ballyk · 16/01/2013 12:01

Hey Jo thanks for the joke [joke]
I do everything in the house always have done, he does the odd bit off washing up and thinks he's being really helpful . His attitude will be difficult to change and I'm afraid I never think it will. My job is only for a few hours 2 days a week and no he didn't want me to take it on as he feels I won't be able to cope Confused if I start to complain about his lack of help he will feel he has been proved right.
What upsets me most is the fact he never asked or wanted to discuss with me how the job had gone.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ballyk · 16/01/2013 12:03

I am staring to question what I am getting out of being in a relationship as I do everything by myself anyway

OP posts:
CailinDana · 16/01/2013 12:03

Oh dear Ballyk that's not good. How is your relationship with him in general?

mammadiggingdeep · 16/01/2013 12:04

Is he usually like that or does he pay interest in other ways? Do you think it was to make it clear he thought the job was insignificant etc. Really not nice as I expect you wanted to talk about it. :(

Original poster
Ballyk · 16/01/2013 12:13

I think he does see it as insignificant as it doesn't bring in much money but is relevant to the career I hopefully want to achieve. I really did want to talk about how it had gone.
The relationship in general is pretty crap I feel like we're just living on the same house most of the time very little intamcy or sex (sorry tmi) Blush

OP posts:
CailinDana · 16/01/2013 12:14

Do you think there's any way to save the relationship? Counselling maybe? If not, it might be worth throwing yourself into this job in the hopes of getting out of the marriage asap. What do you think?

HeyJo · 16/01/2013 12:45

I think you need to talk to him about the things you resent. I think it really helps to be prepared so you're not caught off-guard. Here's my suggestion, get yourself a big piece of paper and list everything you are unhappy about. Then put yourself in his position and think of everything he could say to counterbalance your points (i.e. I can't help with the kids in the morning because I don't have time etc etc). Then plan what you would say to each reply. Acting out the conversation in your head will make you feel more in control when you talk to him.

ladyWordy · 16/01/2013 13:38

Walked in house looked like a bomb site no table set dh on Xbox.
Shock

...you don't have 4 children Ballyk, you have 5.

It's a good time for the children to do more age-appropriate things in the house. But your DH also needs to do some age-appropriate things! He is meant to set an example to them, and guide them.

He doesn't seem to want you to work, which sadly doesn't surprise me.

I wish I could be constructive but feel quite angry on your behalf.

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