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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh just told me I'm too fat to sleep with..

114 replies

Leaverightnow · 12/01/2013 23:55

A newbie, please b gentle! Hi all, really need advice. Background is: been with dh for 11 years, married for one. He's always been quite shallow when it comes to appearance and we spilt once years ago because he thought I'd put on too much weight-I ended it after him telling me this.

Anyway, we have a one year old ds and our sex life has been virtually non existent since. Nothing while pregnant. Done it about three times since he was born.

I take a great pride in my appearance. Wear make up, am a size 12 now after being a 14 after the baby and enjoy the intimacy and physical side of things, probably more than him tbh.

Our relationship has always been stormy but for me this is partly due to the lack of sex and physical closeness that has set in (I have tried!!) since my pregnancy.

I said tonight that unless the physical side improves I can't carry on living as 'room-mates''. He said its because I no longer care what I look le and am fat and am 'playing at going gym' This is rubbish! I try harder than ever since having my ds. I'm devastated-his shallow attitude spilt us up last time. I can't carry on.

Sorry so long. All opinions welcome, good or bad.

OP posts:
Blottedcopybook · 12/01/2013 23:56

DTMFA.

You are worth so much more than this arsehole.

Fanjango · 12/01/2013 23:57

Sorry but the general term for this is...leave the bastard! A size 12 is anything but fat! He is shallow nd insensitive. Good luck op!!

OwlCatMouse · 12/01/2013 23:58

You're a size 12 and he thinks you're fat?

He's using this as a reason to treat you like shit?

You're putting up with this?

I trust he's an Adonis himself?

Original poster
Leaverightnow · 12/01/2013 23:59

Thank u. I'm in bed in ds's nursery. Just heard him come to bed. Feel like I can't even look at him.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 12/01/2013 23:59

Oh dear god. You did it once, you can do it again, Leave. Plan your exit and walk away from this marriage with your head held high. Make sure that you have everything you need in terms of maintenance all sorted before he goes.

As you have the baby, get ready in terms of getting together your paperwork and tell him to GO. There are better men than this out there for you.

ihearsounds · 13/01/2013 00:00

I would tell him he knows where the door is. Your partner regardless of marriage or not, should respect you no matter what you look like. He has shown you countless times that he doesn't respect you in the way that you deserve. He should treat you as the goddess that you are and worship you, not demean and demoralize you.

And I bet, if you sat down and honestly thought about it, you could find things at fault with his appearance. I bet he wouldn't like it if you pointed out his beer belly, moobs, thinning hair etc.

AgnesBligg · 13/01/2013 00:01

Oh I expected a 30 stoner to be writing this OP. Ok he is a twit and stupidly shallow. Does he love you even?

I don't know you have a one year old...but yes I would be thinking of dumping this one.

PickledApples · 13/01/2013 00:03

You can always lose weight / tone up / eat differently etc. Or not, your choice.

He, however will always be an insensitive wanker.

He is right though - you do need to shed quite a bit - about 12st should do it?

Original poster
Leaverightnow · 13/01/2013 00:03

That was quick! Feel abut better already! No Owl, no Adonis here! A shadow of the fit, healthy man I used to know but I don't think that matters when you've grown and loved someone for 11 years. I'm spalled really, I feel great and think I look alright for a new mother getting by on 5 hours sleep a night. Such a shit.

OP posts:
Original poster
Leaverightnow · 13/01/2013 00:04

Sorry appalled- not spalled!!

OP posts:
Reaa · 13/01/2013 00:04

Tell him to fuck off!

raenbow · 13/01/2013 00:04

Tell him he's too stupid for you to want to!!!
Who does he think he is??

volvocowgirl · 13/01/2013 00:05

Get rid now!!

Nuttybiscuits · 13/01/2013 00:05

Having recently gone through my own turmoil, with tremendous support from MNers, I thought I'd give some support back - leaving might seem incredibly difficult for you right now, especially with a baby...

But this man absolutely does not value you, and you really should value yourself and your own happiness way more than that. You gave birth to his child - he should worship the ground you walk on!

Good luck, I hope you find the strength you need to tell this unworthy bloke where to stick it!

Original poster
Leaverightnow · 13/01/2013 00:08

I've been asking him what the problem is for months and he's been fobbing me off with excuses-tired, baby waking, he's getting older so less virile(I know!!) but tonight is obviously the real reason.

Really don't think I can stay, even for the baby. I feel so sad and hurt. I've given him a perfect child and do everything at home.

OP posts:
Original poster
Leaverightnow · 13/01/2013 00:10

Thank u nutty. Glad to hear you r in a better place.

OP posts:
GiveMeSomeSpace · 13/01/2013 00:12

OP really sorry that you've had to put up with this.

Honestly, you're unlikely to ever get the respect you deserve from your husband. I'd tell him exactly that and then focus on working out the practicalities of how the future is going to work out.

happyAvocado · 13/01/2013 00:13

I bet there's another reason - this sounds just like something he thought of to make sure you have no arguments.

Are you sure he isn't seeing anyone behind your back?

Viviennemary · 13/01/2013 00:16

He's horrible. But I think it's just an excuse and there is more to it than this. Maybe he's depressed or he's having an affair.

GiveMeSomeSpace · 13/01/2013 00:16

happy frankly I don't think it really matters if there's another reason or not. The respect simpy isn't there. Wasting energy on why that respect isn't there is just not worth it.

pumpkinsweetieMasPudding · 13/01/2013 00:17

Ltb, pure & simple!
What an absolute tosser!
A size 12 isn't fat by any chalk.
Would love to see what he looks like thoughGrin

OwlCatMouse · 13/01/2013 00:18

What a shitbag

pumpkinsweetieMasPudding · 13/01/2013 00:18

And what Avacado said, he could be having an affair, and using this fictional tale as an excuse...,,

Beehive21 · 13/01/2013 00:19

men say stupid things - a size twelve is not fat, far from it. doesn't seem like he cares for you and that's worse than anything . think about what you want and think about what will make you feel good.

Original poster
Leaverightnow · 13/01/2013 00:19

Avocado - I did ask him this a while back and he thought I'd lost my mind. I don't think it is coz he doesn't go anywhere but work. He made a thing about my weight years ago so think he's telling me the truth. I've only ever been a 10 at my smallest and a fourteen at heaviest. Hate him for making me feel like this

OP posts:
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