Dh just told me I'm too fat to sleep with..

[Leaverightnow]

A newbie, please b gentle! Hi all, really need advice. Background is: been with dh for 11 years, married for one. He's always been quite shallow when it comes to appearance and we spilt once years ago because he thought I'd put on too much weight-I ended it after him telling me this.

Anyway, we have a one year old ds and our sex life has been virtually non existent since. Nothing while pregnant. Done it about three times since he was born.

I take a great pride in my appearance. Wear make up, am a size 12 now after being a 14 after the baby and enjoy the intimacy and physical side of things, probably more than him tbh.

Our relationship has always been stormy but for me this is partly due to the lack of sex and physical closeness that has set in (I have tried!!) since my pregnancy.

I said tonight that unless the physical side improves I can't carry on living as 'room-mates''. He said its because I no longer care what I look le and am fat and am 'playing at going gym' This is rubbish! I try harder than ever since having my ds. I'm devastated-his shallow attitude spilt us up last time. I can't carry on.

Sorry so long. All opinions welcome, good or bad.

at Sleepy!!!

OP he is treating you horribly. :(

To give some perspective, I've been with my husband for around 11 years too. I've put on lots of weight since I met him (had an out of control eating disorder). At my worst I was a size 26, although currently wearing 22 (non maternity despite being 5 months pregnant so possibly 18 if I went over to maternity clothes). In all that time my husband has sincerely believed he is with the most beautiful woman in the world and tells me this all the time.

You deserve so much better.

I second the bargepole suggestion by Sleepysand!

And that is coming from someone who does usually see both sides on this issue. I'm sure I sound shallow, but if my DH were to put on a large amount of weight (and by that I mean out of healthy range) and not be interested in getting healthy again, I would secretly be less attracted to him - physically and also mentally. I wouldn't throw that in his face, but I probably would make efforts to encourage him to be healthier. So I often can see a husband's point when he says this kind of thing, although often don't agree with the way is it phrased.

But that ABSOLUTELY does not apply in your case, OP. You're a good, healthy size, and that should be what matters, particularly as you're making efforts to look after yourself - and when you have a young baby, that is HARD.

He should be proud of that, not dismissive of it.

Last gal who said the same to me IRL found out a fortnight later her DH was having an affair. SORRY - don't mean to make it worse but I do mean to point out you're normal and he isn't.

I would think about booting him out.

HollyBerryBush in the Lanzarote thread on AIBU ( big fat bashing thread about British tourists) there is a poster on there saying that some mums cant help going up to a size 12 Yes a whole size 12 despite slogging their guts out in the gym.
So there are also people on this site who think women shouldnt be above a size 10.

FFS! The national average size is 16!! A 12 is a small in any clothing range apart from teenage shops!!

Only read the OP , OP but this man you are with is being emotionally abusive.

My soon to be ex H told me he no longer fancied me after the birth of our first child. Shallow, critical and not loving me for who I am through all the stages of life.

Think very seriously about this. You deserve better.

I am proud to be a 16 after a couple of years at 20 .I was a 12 when we married 24 years ago but dh has never ever criticised-he loves me which is the difference between him [and any decent h/p and your wretch of a man.I dont think I haver said LTB before but in your case I think you'd be well rid of him.

If it was me I would plan it all very very carefully. Get a conspirator. Pack his bags and leave them outside. When he enters the house to enquire as to why, I would most certainly make sure he found me with cake and a glass of wine.

But then, I have a mischievous streak.

Oh sorry i got it wrong. The post i mentioned about women suffering and going up to a whole size 12 was on the "DP beer belly" thread not the Lanzarote thread. I probably got confused what with the amount of fat bashing threads on MN lately.

HollyBerryBushFri 11-Jan-13 21:39:06

Sometimes I think women are just too picky - 3 stone, whislt a good old set of love handles on a bloke, doesn't stop any sexual position I can think of. Three stone on a woman, because they are built differently - it can be quite inhibiting. But that comes down to socail conditioning rather than ability to perform the act

TBH with you Dad Dancer, Like you I know a fair few blokes who have the ability to sink way over limits every night, they remain within the BMI parameters for healthy - but those sorts of blokes are manual workers and its taken off during the day. Office workers who drink the same and are sedentary tend to bloat up. I'll factor in I don't know one woman with 2+ children who has managed to keep a perfect 10, even they suffer aging and increase to a 12 no matter how much effort in the gym is made. Shapes shift, thats nature.

I used to be a size 28 in 2002 and got down to a size 14 after 18 months of hard work. After 2 years on the diet i dropped to a size 12 and 11 stone. I still had fucking idiots coming up to me telling me i should be this or should be that.
Im unfortunately a size 20 at the moment but have been eating healthily since having the winter bug at New Year.
But a few years back when i had idiots telling me what i should or shouldnt weigh after all that hard work i put in i was fucking furious.

op, is your DH a perfectionist? Not that that excuses his behaviour.

Shybairns- how did u end it? Today has been awful. I've told him it's over as I'll never get past it. U obviously couldn't either. I don't feel the same since being told this twice in last few months.

Thank u everyone for ur kind words and excellent advice.

Leaverightnow you deserve so much better than that shallow mysogynist. Hes a nasty piece of work. Have you got anyone you can talk to in RL.

Has he been a nasty fucker again today OP. If so that just proves that you are doing the right thing (not that you need proof of that) he has already proved that he is unworthy of you.

OP what you are going through is horrible and you shouldn't be with a man who is so shallow and clearly doesn't love you.

However, for those of you who haven't seen it have a read through the thread about the op who says she loves her husband to death, that he is her best friend etc etc yet she is refusing to have sex with him because he has a beer belly and she isn't turned on by him anymore.

An amazing insight into how contradictory and bloody ridiculous MN threads can be.

Jaqueline Difference is the OP of that thread could help her DH, althought refusing sex isnt very nice, since hes embarrassed already, this OP's H seems totally vain, even tho OP is not fat at all.

So, when is the shallow git leaving?

Wanker.

Size 12 FAT? Oh do come on. He's using this an excuse to blame you for the breakdown of your marriage. There is another reason and I'll bet it's another woman - I'd put money on it.

What an ARSE he is - well done for telling him it's over.

Before he moves out, can you whip all his trousers down to an alterations place and have the whole lot taken in 2 inches at the waistband? He will freak out when he can't get into any of his clothes and you can say something like "yes, I thought you were looking a bit bigger but wouldn't have been cruel enough to say anything"

Brilliant that you are recently married. You are so much more protected.

Tell him to go. He is vile.

My first LTB.

My DP constantly tells me I'm beautiful, although I am at least 2st overweight and rather short, so 2st does show. He acknowledges I'm overweight and tries to support me in my own efforts to lose the weight. He's never suggested it, but when asked admitted I would look and feel better if I lost a bit. I think this is normal?

Sex in a long term relationship should be about more than the physical attraction you'd have looking at a hot bod. Even if you lose weight, get to a size 10 or whatever, getting older is inevitable. What if you are ill? (That's how I lost my 'hot bod' fwiw). How supportive will this man be if he's acting like this now?

Well done, LRN. Leaving someone is incredibly hard. Focus on your lovely baby, and on lovely you, and get as much distance as possible between you and him. Life will be much easier without him dragging you down. Mums, sisters, and friends are incredibly valuable and will want to help you so use them if you can.

Start divorce as soon as you can - you can do it all online and fairly cheap. In theory having only been married a year you have fewer property rights but as you have a baby between you, getting the house should be fairly secure.

Holla:

"Before he moves out, can you whip all his trousers down to an alterations place and have the whole lot taken in 2 inches at the waistband?"

Get them to sew in a few prawns as well, over the weeks they will come to match his personality - repulsive and rotten to the core.

Saw my XW a couple of weeks ago. Well, our DCs live with her. We went shopping and while out she moaned that she's fatter than she's ever been. I said "what does your DP say about it?" Her answer? "Nothing". "It's not a problem then and neither should it be".

Your OH is finding excuses to not have sex with you. You're a size 12 ffs, that's not big at all.

Just a quick correction for Jacquelinehyde - i am NOT refusing to have sex with my husband, we often have sex. The question was am i being unreasonable to not want to have sex with him because of his beer belly... and he is my best friend and I do love him, which is why i am so sad that we can no longer have the sex life we once had. With all due respect to this OP i don't think the two threads are the same.

OP - It does sound like your husband has been tactless in the way he has spoken to you and I cannot see how anyone (even a very short person) could be considered fat at a size 12.