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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

You'd think he'd have the brains to delete the evidence before giving me his password!! gutted :-(

93 replies

NorrieAnne · 04/01/2013 12:09

I met someone end of July last year. Everything was great at first but then various stuff happened that made me think Hmm photos on facebook for instance that he'd hidden from his time-line but had appeared on someone elses public wall, he started being a bit more protective with his phone ... just general low key Hmm behaviour but because it was so slight, I just let it go and told myself I was being paranoid.

Well, the other night he gave me his email password (we're joint organising something and everything is going to his email address). However, the password he gave me didn't work. I told him. He ummed and arred and then gave me another password. This one did work.

So anyway - a couple of days later (today) I'm on there and go onto the sent messages folder to see what he'd organised already to see what I needed to do. On there, was a message to a woman reading the following:

"Hi there, I was looking at your profile on Plenty of Fish and notice you say you can't upload photos. Would you be willing to send me them via your email address? Take Care, D* x "

This was sent in October last year.

What should I do??? I've been on POF, can't find him on there, no other incriminating evidence in his email - but I feel sick with disappointment.

We're supposed to be going out tonight to celebrate something, I was really looking forward to it but I don't feel I can just brush this one under the carpet :(

OP posts:
ZZZenAgain · 04/01/2013 13:02

and he is trying to move into your house? WTAF?

perceptionreality · 04/01/2013 13:03

Sorry, I've just realised I read your OP wrongly - I didn't realise he sent a woman the original message, I thought she sent it to him.

Ignore me Blush

StuffezLaBouche · 04/01/2013 13:04

You're fucking joking? How horrible. In a way though, it's made your decision a lot easier. Ugh I want to kick him in the cock.
How are you going to approach this?

MaMaPo · 04/01/2013 13:06

also - what a dickhead he is! Not only cheating (or trying to) but stupid enough to allow you the means to find out!

You are well out of this.

LulaPalooza · 04/01/2013 13:09

NorrieAnne

I had an ex who did something similar, after we had been together for over 2 years.

I printed out all of the emails he had sent to this woman and her responses... he was trying to entice her into having a threesome but wanted to try her out first! She was a prostitute .

I met him in the pub that evening. I got there first. After the initial hello and kisses he went to the bar to get us both a drink and when he returned to our table I had put the copies of the emails in front of him. I said nothing.

He went bright red, started trying to apologise/ explain or something and I just downed my drink and walked out. Still saying nothing.

TalkativeJim · 04/01/2013 13:13

Just get rid ASAP - pointless waste of space. Total loser.

Don't beat yourself up about it. HOWEVER, next time - you'll know that those little niggles need to be listened to. Because its funny that they turn out to be 'nothing' or 'paranoia' about, oooh, one time in a hundred.

Always trust even the tiniest of instincts!

Original poster
NorrieAnne · 04/01/2013 13:14

I'm absolutely gutted. He slept here last night and was messaging on plenty of fish whilst here. I can't just let this go, he's taking me for a fucking mug. I've just messages him saying I need to speak with him. I'm betting he'll know something is up and just do a runner.

Fuck. So upset, I fell for everything he told me Sad. He's on there as single, honest and reliable. I'm too in shock to even cry. I can't believe it.

OP posts:
StuffezLaBouche · 04/01/2013 13:19

Oh God :( That is just sickening. You poor poor thing.
If you think he will take the cowardly option as you've described then he's a waste of space anyway. You will be feeling like utter shit at the moment but thank GOD you didn't (I assume from your posts) have permanent ties with him. Has he replied? I think he will twig too, once he remembers his pof password and email are the same.

ZZZenAgain · 04/01/2013 13:24

you could go on POF and sent him a message there

tzella · 04/01/2013 13:24

I dumped a scumbag on 2/1. I asked to meet him after work at a pub. I packed up his stuff from my housr, walked into the pub and put the bag down in front of him and walked out without a word. He's not dated to call me, or more likely he's not bothered. I feel great Smile

Original poster
NorrieAnne · 04/01/2013 13:25

He's replied. I told him I needed him to come here asap. His reply was "why? what's happened?" etc etc. It keeps going back and forth - I keep asking him to come around, he keeps asking what's going on.

He knows and he's bricking it. The tears have started. I just can't believe he'd do this to me. I trusted him more than anyone I've ever been with. It's gone from anger to heartbroken to be honest. I'm in utter shock and disbelief.

OP posts:
ZZZenAgain · 04/01/2013 13:27

don't ask him to come round anymore. Don't ring, write, do nothing.

He is expecting to go out tomorrow, isn't he? So if he turns up to pick you up or waits for you somewhere tomorrow and you don't turn up, he'll get back to you then.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/01/2013 13:28

I know you want to confront him face to face but I think, in the circumstances, it would be far easier on you to end this one over the phone or by text. Don't subject yourself to his hang-dog expression and the various excuses he's probably got prepared .... you'll only feel more of a fool, more heartbroken, and quite sick into the bargain.

antonym · 04/01/2013 13:29

Edit his POF profile to say he has micro-penis syndrome, ED and paint-shrivelling halitosis. Then change the password.

StuffezLaBouche · 04/01/2013 13:31

Let him come round to try and explain - but make sure you have all his shit waiting by the door. It will speed up the process. Bloody coward.

werewolvesdidit · 04/01/2013 13:33

Oh yes! Do it!

tzella · 04/01/2013 13:33

PACK UP HIS STUFF.

LulaPalooza: I didn't even get a drink Grin

werewolvesdidit · 04/01/2013 13:34

I mean yes to editing his POF profile. Tell all the women what a slimey shite he is.

ProphetOfDoom · 04/01/2013 13:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

badinage · 04/01/2013 13:35

If you're that invested, then best not to see him. What would be the point anyway?

Tell him on the phone what you've found and that he's dumped as a result. That's all.

Wise move snooping further incidentally. Once someone's lied to you, all the normal rules re privacy should be disregarded. If you hadn't investigated further, he would have lied and said that he hadn't been in contact with anyone since October and you might ....just might....have fallen for that.

ZZZenAgain · 04/01/2013 13:36

you alright norrie?

tzella · 04/01/2013 13:37

My evilness extends to a wordless dumping. He's got no clue why, and why that day. He's not a moron so he must have an inkling but, really, fuck him.

Beckamaw · 04/01/2013 13:38

What Antonym said! Do it.
Brilliant!!!
I'm so sorry OP. If it helps, I was dating a similar man. He had 2 of us on the go - twat. She found me on Facebook and we talked.
I wish I could have amended his bloody dating profile. Angry

You are so much better than him. Be kind to yourself.

mcmooncup · 04/01/2013 13:41

Yes, OP, please do not give him the opportunity to make you feel worse face to face.

Dump him by text or email or via POF or on Facebook, but not face to face. Fuck him, he doesn't deserve your tears.

janelikesjam · 04/01/2013 13:41

Dear Norrie, Sorry this happened to you after 6 months. But also SO glad you got the clear answer you probably needed. If its any consolation something similar happened to me Angry though in a more casual short relationship. His response when confronted was "Oh I just do it for a laugh" (go on PoF that is).

I don't know if you should tell him the reason or not, whatever suits you really as you now have all the power . I am curious, he must have been a d**khead in other ways too, though, or was it completely out of the blue??