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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

You'd think he'd have the brains to delete the evidence before giving me his password!! gutted :-(

93 replies

NorrieAnne · 04/01/2013 12:09

I met someone end of July last year. Everything was great at first but then various stuff happened that made me think Hmm photos on facebook for instance that he'd hidden from his time-line but had appeared on someone elses public wall, he started being a bit more protective with his phone ... just general low key Hmm behaviour but because it was so slight, I just let it go and told myself I was being paranoid.

Well, the other night he gave me his email password (we're joint organising something and everything is going to his email address). However, the password he gave me didn't work. I told him. He ummed and arred and then gave me another password. This one did work.

So anyway - a couple of days later (today) I'm on there and go onto the sent messages folder to see what he'd organised already to see what I needed to do. On there, was a message to a woman reading the following:

"Hi there, I was looking at your profile on Plenty of Fish and notice you say you can't upload photos. Would you be willing to send me them via your email address? Take Care, D* x "

This was sent in October last year.

What should I do??? I've been on POF, can't find him on there, no other incriminating evidence in his email - but I feel sick with disappointment.

We're supposed to be going out tonight to celebrate something, I was really looking forward to it but I don't feel I can just brush this one under the carpet :(

OP posts:
StuffezLaBouche · 04/01/2013 13:41

You must be horribly in shock NorrieAnne, have you got a mate who can be with you?

janelikesjam · 04/01/2013 13:44

Yes, as Cogito says, he will have excuses and explanations ready if you meet him, why give him any more headspace?

I would want to be a little bit eeeevil too and just drop wordlessly. He does not deserve a genuine explanation anyway.

But your call!

tzella · 04/01/2013 13:48

I'd bet you anything if you give him a chance to speak hell be rude as hell to you. He'll have had the rest of today to come up with something and if it's a sincere apology I'll eat my hat.

Deep breaths, OP

LulaPalooza · 04/01/2013 13:48

Oh NorrieAnne, I'm so sorry you're feeling so shit Sad sending un-Mumsnetty hugs your way. It feels truly, truly shit at first but, in time, you'll be glad you found out and that you found out now before you invested even one more day in this arsehole.

I'm with tzella in terms of action (obviously) - I wouldn't let him come round to yours, I would dump him publicly. Although i would make sure he bought the drinks in first...

badinage · 04/01/2013 13:49

See, I'd always tell a bloke why he was being dumped for this. If more twats realised that women weren't prepared to put up with this crap, maybe they'd think twice. If she says nothing and just dumps him, he'd be stupid and entitled enough to feel victimised and blame the OP for being 'flakey' or somesuch. He needs to know, but not face to face.

StuffezLaBouche · 04/01/2013 13:49

I know you probably don't want to look, but from the content of the messages is it possible to see if he's met any of them? Because I think he will try and claim it's "only chatting," "just a laugh" etc.

tzella · 04/01/2013 13:54

bandinage I do broadly agree re: educating the ex as to why he's just become an ex but in my case 1. We'd been through it fruitlessly before and, if I'm honest 2. It was a tiny bit of revenge

mcmooncup · 04/01/2013 13:56

Or his mates put it up there for a laugh......
Or it is actually his mate's profile.......
Or someone must have hacked him.......

The list is endless.

It's all horse shit though.

loopylou6 · 04/01/2013 14:04

What a twat. Id deffo be editing his profile.

LookBehindYou · 04/01/2013 14:09

Ask him with an open mind. Maybe he had sudden cold feet with you. This email was sent just 3 months into the relationship. Is he acting suspiciously now?

tzella · 04/01/2013 14:11

Lookbehindyou he was messaging last night while at OPs house!!

Binfullofgibletsonthe26th · 04/01/2013 14:15

I did this when I found ex on Adult Friend Finder. Changed his password, then wrote him a new profile.

It explained exactly what was happening, not the pathetic pity party he had played out.

And yes, I changed one of his "stats" to button mushroom too!

Don't have him round, don't waste anymore time on this twunt. And upload a picture on his POF site too. He is playing games, that's why there is no picture of his twunty face on his profile. Make sure you change the honest part too.

PureQuintessence · 04/01/2013 14:15

Definitely edit his profile, and change his password. Dont make too obvious changes, as you dont want him to discover them straight away.

janelikesjam · 04/01/2013 14:15

I do see where Badinage is coming from, seeing as you seem to have had quite a serious relationship with him for those months. Also if you give him a simple "reason" he is more likely to stop badgering you. Though I would bet a fiver he will give various excuses as suggested.

I think the worst thing to do though is to get into a discussion about it. Once you have told him, ideally by text, I think the best thing to do is to completely ignore him completely, even change your mobile number.

Are you OK, OP?

badinage · 04/01/2013 14:16

....which she'd never have known if she hadn't snooped further. But c'mon folks - would you really put up with a bloke fishing for new partners at any time while he's in a supposedly relationship with you? Surely no-one's standards are that low??

tzella · 04/01/2013 14:18

I was scared what my ex would do if I allowed him to come to my house Sad Meeting him in public was the only way, even if it meant I had to carry tons of his stuff.

Hope you're OK, Norrie.

LookBehindYou · 04/01/2013 14:53

tzella I missed that bit! Once early into a relationship if nothing happened could be forgiven but this can't. I'm sorry OP. You must be feeling really hurt.

OrangeClub · 04/01/2013 16:46

My ex boyfriend did this. For three years when he was dating me, living with me, talking about getting married to me. I will be honest - it destroyed me. The lies, upon lies, upon lies. I didn't know what was real and what wasn't. I'm still not over it now really. I don't trust anyone any more.

I took him back for a very brief period last year because I missed what I thought we had, a connection etc. It was the most stupid thing I have ever done. What followed was more lies and more emotional abuse.

He is with someone else now. And I know he is still registered on the dating sites (and sending messages to people) because my friend is also a member of a couple of the sites.

Men like this do not change. They just destroy you and move on.

lilacbaubles · 04/01/2013 18:53

I'm so sorry this happened, but at least now you know to end it.

Original poster
NorrieAnne · 04/01/2013 19:35

He came around, I confronted him. He lied. Admitted it when he realized I knew - said he only did it as he was confused about his feelings for me - obvious bullshit.

On POF I found he'd been messaging women about intimate encounters, asking if they had "age limits" (as he's 41, they were early 20s).

I'm half pissed now anyway so prob not making much sense. Fuck em, they're all the same. Every bloke I've ever been with has lied and treat me like shit, why would he be any different? more fool me for falling for the bullshit.

I'm off out tomorow night for a girly councelling session with a mate so all is well with the world.

OP posts:
StuffezLaBouche · 04/01/2013 19:48

NOT more fool you AT ALL. It would have been more fool you if you had forgiven him because you thought you could "make it work" and then spent the next year panicking every time he went on his phone or received a message.

Through NO FAULT OF YOUR OWN you've been put in a shitty position and you have dealt with it perfectly.

And hopefully the seedy wanker will be told exactly where to stick his "intimate encounters" with young women.

Have fun tomorrow!

ProphetOfDoom · 04/01/2013 19:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

perceptionreality · 04/01/2013 19:58

I am sorry to hear this NorrieAnne, you must be feeling awful. Did you meet him on POF? Please try not to be disheartened - the reason I ask is I spent a bit of time on POF and found that it wasn't the best place to find someone decent.

chucksaway · 04/01/2013 20:03

sorry youre going through this

TalkativeJim · 05/01/2013 00:11

Well done!

And no, you're not an idiot, you're a normal person with a normal sense of what's right and wrong, and who would just expect someone not to be a cheating scumbag, you know, as the default setting.

I'd much rather think like you than be like him!