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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

It's all going wrong :-( now he's accused me of being jealous of his kids

44 replies

TheFly · 10/12/2012 10:51

I've never actually met his kids, they live with their mother and he has them every saturday night - so we don't see each other on Saturday nights.

Anyway a few weeks ago we were talking (well, whinging about stuff to each other more like) and I said "you make it sound like I have a problem with your kids" and he said "well yeah, I think you do a bit". He went on to explain that I apparantly act "off" with him when he mentions them. I don't at all and argued my point and in the end he agreed he was wrong.

But then, this weekend we went out for a drink, he was a bit tipsy and this conversation started up again and this time he accused me of actually being JEALOUS of his kids. He said it's obvious that I'm jealous that he still loves them and he thinks I want him to abandon them because he's in a new relationship.

This is absolute bullshit. I'm ALWAYS asking about his kids, whenever he's with them I text him to say I hope they all have a great time together. I want to meet them - it's him that doesn't want that to happen and now I think I know why, he doesn't trust me with them.

They're teenagers, 15 and 17 years old. I feel I really didn't deserve this and I feel so hurt by it. He's since apologized and said he realises he was wrong but he obviously thinks it because this is the 2nd time he's said it now.

OP posts:

FannyFifer · 10/12/2012 10:56

He's an arse, next!

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 10/12/2012 11:09

Do you think he wants to end it and is thrashing around for an excuse??? Very bizarre train of logic otherwise....

Original poster

TheFly · 10/12/2012 11:12

Could be. Ever since we met he's focused on negative stuff. It's like he's constantly searching for something to worry about. It's mentally draining. A few weeks ago we were in bed and he was being all negative about something else and so I'd had enough and said "you know what, shall we just end it?" and he backtracked pretty quickly and said it was the last thing he wanted to do so fuck knows.

OP posts:

GinSoakedMu1berryLush · 10/12/2012 11:16

Blimey. I second what cogit0 says. He's thrashing around for an excuse.

He would be stupid to think that it's not difficult, dating with kids. I saw a man recently (over now) and we both acknowledged that it is so different when you#ve got kids, and I admitted that it didn't thrill me to think of him at her house. But neither of us got stroppy over it, and he didn't try to minimise my feelings. We both just acknowledged that it's part of dating somebody with kids.

OP he sounds like he's very 'tense' and that's a simplification. Do you want to end it? He sounds like he is the sort of person who blames everybody else for everything and that is a MARVELLOUS COPING SKILL. My x coped very well for years by blaming everybody around him. So be careful....

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 10/12/2012 11:21

" It's like he's constantly searching for something to worry about"

Oh dear... you've landed a 'Dementor'. Sucks all the joy out of life! I think they use the constant negativity as a way to get reassurance but a relationship really shouldn't be that much hard work. Conjure up your expecto patronem (to continue the metaphor) and chase him back to whence he came.

GinSoakedMu1berryLush · 10/12/2012 11:21

Ps, if he starts up again I would say to him

I accept that you have children. That's not a problem. what I can't tolerate is being told what I feel. Being told that I'm jealous/irrational {whatever}.

If he doesn't believe that you are not jealous of his children then that's his own issue coming out there. How does he view women with children as potential partners (do you have children?). Eg, in his own eyes, is somebody with children ruled out as a partner? So basically if he doesn't listen to you, doesn't HEAR you / believe you when you say 'no I do not feel jealous of your children' then I would see a big red flag that he's transfering his own feelings about relationships subsequent to splitting up on to you. That he can't reconcile dating with having children (and it's hard, but the way to deal with it is to accpet that it's different, not to TELL people you're dating how they feel )

Original poster

TheFly · 10/12/2012 11:22

I love him but I don't think I can cope with this long term. I know from the start he had a few "issues" but he just doesn't let up. Everytime he's had a drink does he start on about divorce or accusing me of not wanting him/not accepting his kids (you know, the ones he won't LET me meet!!).

Thing is, I want marriage and stability. I'm 32 and never been married and I think it's about time I got there now. Because he's so bloody unstable emotionally I can't see us ever reaching that point. So the question is, do I save myself the time and finish it so I can find someone who isn't afraid to commit or ... is he worth the risk of giving it more time in the hope that we do work out?

OP posts:

GinSoakedMu1berryLush · 10/12/2012 11:24

My Dad is a dementor. That's why I have to be cheerful all the time around my mum. Even if I have a genuiine reason to worry or be concerned about something I have to hide it from my mum because she is sucked dry and turned to ashes as it is, trying to prop up my dad and persuade him that the world won't end. It is an EXHAUSTING way to live. Luckily I think my mum is quite good at detaching (well, up to a point anyway).

AmberLeaf · 10/12/2012 11:26

He is transfering his own issues onto you.

This probably won't change, he is going to keep on blaming you for what's going on in his head.

People like this really do suck the joy out of life.

GinSoakedMu1berryLush · 10/12/2012 11:27

I don't think this is the right guy to settle down with TheFly. You might marry him but it'd be an exhausting existence. He's not going to change. DOn't channel all your energy into winning his faith! persauding him that you are worthy of his faith in you..... persuading him that you're a better person than he believes you can be, or persuading him thta you do /can accept his children.

It sounds to me that he firmly believes he knows what other people think. You are telling him what you think and he's not hearing it. think about that, think about marriage with a man who thinks he knows better than you do what you think. HOw can you ever resolve an argument with a person who believes they know (despite what you're saying) what you think, I had a few arguments of that nature and they go round in circles for years.

GinSoakedMu1berryLush · 10/12/2012 11:29

Read a book called Bitches by sherry Argov. it's a really good book, don't let the title put you off. It's just about marching to the beat of your own drum, it's not about walking all over people as the title might make you think. i read it and wished wished wished that i had read it when i was 30, just before I met my x.

startlife · 10/12/2012 11:29

Do you have dc's? I think this is a very negative sign, even if it was true (i.e you had met them) then his communication is awful and not sustainable.

It sounds as if he wants to have conflict with you.

Original poster

TheFly · 10/12/2012 11:32

On Friday night we were sat in the pub, having had a few drinks and the subject got on to my parents. He started asking about their divorce - did my dad cope well with the divorce? did he ever get a new girlfriend etc. It took me a few minutes but suddenly it came to me, this wasn't about my parents at all, it was about HIS divorce AGAIN.

He just can't let it go. His divorce, the guilt regarding his kids etc and yeah thinking about it I think he probably does want someone to take it out on. I was nothing to do with their divorce btw, they were divorced a year before we met and seperated for two.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheFly · 10/12/2012 11:34

Yeah I have two kids and to be fair, he's amazing with them. Playfights with them, takes them everywhere, shows them how to fix stuff - he's always got time for them but one of things he's thrown at me is "I do more with your kids than I do with my own". Again - that's my fault I assume?

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 10/12/2012 11:34

He isnt worth the energy. Walk away before he drags you down even further.

GinSoakedMu1berryLush · 10/12/2012 11:35

Perhaps, and this is being kind to him, he feels awkward and embarrassed even at the thoughts of telling his children he's in a romantic relationship with somebody else, and that I can understand, so he wants to slow it down and make sure you realise that a big blended family is not on his agenda. But the way he's going about slowing things down is so unfair to you. He can't communicate, he can't listen, he's negative! argh, run for the hills TheFly, you are ONLY 32. To answer the question you did ask somewhere in one of your posts, don't waste your time hoping that you can win his trust, make him more positive, make him listen to you, and believe that you know better than he knows what you are thinking! no, don't waste time hoping that that will happen. Get out now.

GinSoakedMu1berryLush · 10/12/2012 11:37

Sorry if I seem to be hammering the message home so heavily but really I wish I'd listened to my own doubts. I made life difficult for myself and for my parents by having children with a man who I knew deep down was ..... well, I won't type the end of the sentence. But trust me, I know what it's like to be unable to make your voice heard and unable to reason with somebody who is selfish and immature.

Original poster

TheFly · 10/12/2012 11:37

For the past few weeks he's been going on about that hobbit film at the cinema. If ever I react or mention it he jumps in and says "oh yeah but that's a film me and my boys will be going to see". Ok - fair enough.

Then yesterday he sends me a text asking if I'll go and see Hobbit with him!!? I text back "are you not going with your boys to see it?" and he sent back a stroppy text saying "no they're going with their mother so I can come with you". Not sure how to feel about that one.

OP posts:

GinSoakedMu1berryLush · 10/12/2012 11:39

You've children of your own? well then definitely dump him. I am ten years older than you and if and when I get married there is only ONE type of marriage I want, a happy one with a decent, generous, good humoured man. I have NO interest in being married for the sake of it, to appear to be normal or to appear to be happy. Never bother with a relationship that doesn't make you HAPPY. Please go get that book by sherry argov. Never again will I march to the beat of somebody ELSE's drum.

GinSoakedMu1berryLush · 10/12/2012 11:41

Re The Hobbit. I'd say "going to see it with my friend now!'. See his reaction. It will be interesting to see if he tries to change your mind, make you feel guilty, accuses you of being jealous.....

The thoughts of having to sit through the hobbit! lol, ha ha.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 10/12/2012 11:41

"one of things he's thrown at me is "I do more with your kids than I do with my own". "

What does he want? A round of applause? The sympathy vote? Or just to air his grievances and expect you to soak it all up without a peep?

I made the BIG mistake of marrying a man with 'issues' once. At first, his sob story made him seem touchingly vulnerable and in need of my TLC. Took me far too long to realise he was just using me as a Wailing Wall and quite enjoyed rehearsing his woes. When I stopped being sympathetic, he found someone else ... who presumably is, even now, having to listen to his incessant whining!!

Save yourself.

Original poster

TheFly · 10/12/2012 11:42

I know, I don't even want to see the bloody hobbit so if I did go it would just be for his sake. I've not agreed to go yet, think I'll make an excuse. I've noticed he seems quite comfortable in the knowledge that I'll always jump when he wants to do something.

OP posts:

GinSoakedMu1berryLush · 10/12/2012 11:43

in total agreement, we only get one life, don't waste it propping up some joyless dementor.

GinSoakedMu1berryLush · 10/12/2012 11:47

ps just remembering here nnow the ludicrous conversations i used to have to have with my x. he would suddenly out of the blue accuse me of............ not trusting him, not believing him, not being grateful for something and then i would have this exhausting few hours (usually repeated the next day) where I'd have to convince HIM that yes I trusted him/had faith in him/thought he was fantabulous at diy or whatever the fuck had made him lose his mind. arhgghghhgghghgh.

Freedom! (except, I have two children with this demented bastard)

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 10/12/2012 11:48

Then say 'I don't want to see The Hobbit'. No excuses. No big explanations. Do what you want for a change and then carry on doing what you want....

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