It's all going wrong :-( now he's accused me of being jealous of his kids

[TheFly]

I've never actually met his kids, they live with their mother and he has them every saturday night - so we don't see each other on Saturday nights.

Anyway a few weeks ago we were talking (well, whinging about stuff to each other more like) and I said "you make it sound like I have a problem with your kids" and he said "well yeah, I think you do a bit". He went on to explain that I apparantly act "off" with him when he mentions them. I don't at all and argued my point and in the end he agreed he was wrong.

But then, this weekend we went out for a drink, he was a bit tipsy and this conversation started up again and this time he accused me of actually being JEALOUS of his kids. He said it's obvious that I'm jealous that he still loves them and he thinks I want him to abandon them because he's in a new relationship.

This is absolute bullshit. I'm ALWAYS asking about his kids, whenever he's with them I text him to say I hope they all have a great time together. I want to meet them - it's him that doesn't want that to happen and now I think I know why, he doesn't trust me with them.

They're teenagers, 15 and 17 years old. I feel I really didn't deserve this and I feel so hurt by it. He's since apologized and said he realises he was wrong but he obviously thinks it because this is the 2nd time he's said it now.

Get out while you can - why be with someone who is already ascribing you with such negative traits that you don't actually have.

Believe me you dont want to be married and have children with this man!

Have you posted about him before OP? Some of this sounds familiar. He won't let you meet his kids if I recall.

Life's too short.

I did wonder if he's projecting his jealous feelings over your dc's.

If he has insecurity over his kids you will never fix it for him.His dc's are teens and in a few years they will be adults and living their own lives however he doesn't sound as if he is ready to move on at all.

Why did his marriage end?

Yes..... Did you recently try to railroad him into spending a day at some exhibition with you and his son?

I think we've heard this all many times before!

No that wasn't me! I've told him I will wait until he's ready before meeting his kids, I wouldn't try and railroad him into anything.

Anyway he text me this morning saying he's feeling ill and is really tired he's due to stay here tonight so thinking he was making an excuse I text back saying "let me know if you want to give it a miss tonight" - I then got "no I don't! you don't want me to stay!" Jesus wept

Hi Op

I am feeling irritated on your behalf sorry,

text him back and say..Fuck off to the far side of fuck and when you get there
call a cab and fuck off some more.

Honestly I would have slapped him by now, get rid please before he ruins Xmas for you.

"Fuck off to the far side of fuck and when you get there
call a cab and fuck off some more"

Love it I'd never have the balls to send it but I do love it!

But yeah on a more serious note, it/he is becoming more and more irritating as the weeks go on. He's constantly either ill or depressed about something.

Blimey, what a dickhead OP.

Throw him back in the pond.

He blows hot and cold, he's 'always ill and depressed' so cancels dates, he doesn't want you to meet his kids...are you sure he's actually separated from his wife?!

You don't have to give the fuck off to the far side of fuck speech, but the next time he starts moaning, don't be tempted to outmoan him. Counter it. 'well I'm happy!'. Well i'm not tired. Well I'm healthy. I'm full of energy.

I think he's a dead loss and that you should dump him asap, but failing that, try countering his whinging with your positivity and see if it breaks his cycle of maoning. you'll probably be accused of taking drugs.

Bin him. Just say it's not working and you have different views on life, which you do.

Life is too short for this shit.

Its all him him him. How he feels is more important than anything else. Sounds like he trys to projects a lot of his feelings onto you.

He sounds very childish.

Finish it now before he drags you down.

agree with all. run for the hills. he's a self-obsessed misery.

Agree with everyone. He sounds utterly pathetic, and guess what? You're not jealous of his kids, but he's jealous of you, and the fact that you live with yours!

Get rid and move on. Let him find someone else to blame for the mess he's in.

I was married to one of those for just under 25 years. I was always going to leave him, planning on leaving him, thinking belittling thoughts, not really meaning the nice things I said... you get the picture. They don't get better because it's just who they are, and they won't think positively for long enough to even think of changing themselves. He was almost triumphant when I finally got smart and divorced him. There you see, I said you were planning something!

When DS1 was about 5, I had to do some studying or something so I shut myself in a room (leaving their dad to mind them, which he was perfectly capable of, don't worry!). After a while a bit of paper was pushed under the door, with a five-year-old scrawl on it: "YOU DOT LOVE ME". It was really cute - because he was five. One kind of hopes that after 30 or so years they'll have grown out of that kind of thing.

Hi thefly, afraid this will only get worse. Once you meet his kids he will be telling you, you looked at them the wrong way, spoke to them the wrong way, gave your kids a bigger slice of cake than his etc etc. it will always be a battle.

I'd call it a day.

On specifics, there are two ways of handling the petulant "you don't want me to stay" shit text.

One is the way an assertiveness manual would teach you. Just repeat what you said: "I asked if YOU WANTED to give it a miss tonight." Whatever he says, just repeat that, using slightly different words, until he finally gives up on the whining.

But you know what? Life is too brief to try re-training an adult. So I recommend the other way. The one that goes "You know what? I've just realised you're right, I don't want you to come round. Thank you for clarifying my thoughts for me. I hope you feel better soon. Don't text me again."

Then he can happily tell the next victim woman he dates about this heartless bitch he was with who dumped him because he was ill. Everyone's happy!