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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Hi everyone. 1st time poster wanting bit of advice

50 replies

MartinsAuntie · 06/12/2012 15:14

My in-laws are coming to us AGAIN for xmas lunch. They have come to us every year for the past 5 years. My brother-in-law and his family also come to us and I think it's about time we either went to the in-laws or to my brother-in-laws. The problem is every time I mention this to my DH he says that they should come to us because we have the room. That's fair enough but its not him who has to do all the cooking and cleaning. Him and his brother go to the pub at lunchtime and leave me too it. The mother-in-law and brother-in-laws wife simply stay in the living room drinking all our sherry and leave me to do all the work. Any suggestions on how to put this madness to an end (without ruining everyone's xmas)?

OP posts:

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 06/12/2012 15:15

You, your MIL and BIL's DW go to the pub. The menfolk do the meal etc.

Strike action is what's needed here.

PetFox · 06/12/2012 15:17

Say they can all come to yours if they like but that you're not doing all the work? And, then, don't do all the work.

Whatshappenedtous · 06/12/2012 15:17

Cancel Xmas! I'm planning on doing so!
My partners family is Hindu and have no clue how to cook so for the 4th Xmas in a row in cooking and cleaning up after them in there house!!!! Not even my own house! I even had to do it when I was 30 weeks preg last year! How do I get out of it this year!!!!

PetFox · 06/12/2012 15:17

It's not your sole responsibility to make sure everyone has a good Christmas.

SugaricePlumFairy · 06/12/2012 15:20

Make this the last time you host and stand firm.

In the meantime make sure MiL and SiL don't get pissed on the sherry and get them peeling sprouts, laying table etc and tell dh he's not buggering off to the pub.

Don't be a pushover.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 06/12/2012 15:21

DH has to step up to the plate. It's not acceptable at all to nominate you as chief cook and bottle-washer and then think he can bugger off to the pub. So you sit him down and tell him, very seriously, what you expect him & his family to contribute and get his 100% commitment before agreeing to anything at all. If he expects you to carry on being the Christmas doormat say a very firm 'no' and make it clear that he's the one ruining things by being inconsiderate and lazy rather than you.

Original poster

MartinsAuntie · 06/12/2012 15:22

Petfox but if I don't do it who will? I just want to make sure the children have a lovely time so given how soon xmas will be I am thinking of just keeping quiet and doing all the work AGAIN

I don't want to be a doormat but most things are generally quite good in my marriage so why kick up a stink?

Maybe next year will be different...

OP posts:

pictish · 06/12/2012 15:23

This is where crap like the current ASDA christmas advert get on my nerves.

Tell him fine, but he's cooking.

pictish · 06/12/2012 15:25

Why kick up a stink?
Because you are not happy with the arrangements? Because it does not suit you? Becausae it's not what you want and no-one seems to think that matters?

I can think of plenty of reasons to kick up a stink.

SugaricePlumFairy · 06/12/2012 15:26

Unless you say something they will all assume that you will continue to host.

Do they contribute towards the cost or do you pay for everything?

Things will only change if you instigate it.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 06/12/2012 15:27

"just keeping quiet and doing all the work AGAIN "

So it's OK to ruin your Christmas as long as everyone else is happy? If things are generally good in your marriage and your husband is a reasonable man he should have no difficulty in understanding why you need his help and why he needs to tell his relatives to contribute as well.

If you can't have that conversation, if he doesn't take you seriously and if he thinks he can steamroller your feelings or opinion then you probably don't have as good a marriage as you think. You have a man that is nice enough as long as he's getting his own way.....

diddiehunter · 06/12/2012 15:27

i agree with cogit completely! tell him that he helps or it doesnt happen!

i had these kind of issues too but with my MIL & SIL. they woild host it at either one of their homes but its always been myself and my hubby thats ended up cooking and cleaning and theres 17 of us!! not this year not a chance! i intend to go to a pub for a xmas meal....thats what im telling them anyway

HullyEastergully · 06/12/2012 15:30

ARE YOU INSANE?

pictish · 06/12/2012 15:31

Another agreeing with Cogito.

Just keeping quiet and doing all the work sounds rubbish!

oldwomaninashoe · 06/12/2012 15:31

Oh I sympathise. I did not realise whe we extended our house (incorporating a 30ft lounge diner) that that was itfrom 2000 yours truly "has the room" so always hosts Christmas lunch!!!
What I find irritating is that they meander round the kitchen with their glasses whilst I'm slaving over a hot cooker and getting in my way, I would be grateful if they sat in a room away from me.
The only way is to say round about September that you are going away for Christmas as you can't cope with all the work single handed, when DH objects tell him you will only do it if he doesn't go to the pub and stays and gives you a hand.
Otherwise over the luchtable this year look pointedly at SIL and say "Xmas lunch at yours next year, I'm looking forward to it"

AbigailAdams · 06/12/2012 15:34

Another agreeing with Cogito.

PetFox · 06/12/2012 15:34

Petfox but if I don't do it who will? Erm, the other adult members of your family? Your husband?

Listen to Cogito OP...

PetFox · 06/12/2012 15:37

Especially this bit.

Kaluki · 06/12/2012 15:40

Bunch of lazy arses!!
Tell DH he isn't going to the pub -
Get him scrubbing and peeling on Christmas Eve nod let him and his family do the washing up while you sit down and get pissed relax!!

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 06/12/2012 15:45

Seriously, OP, you need to sit down with your dh and draw up a list of what needs to be done; shopping, cleaning, cooking, washing up etc, and divide the tasks between adults. Your PIL and BIL can bring some of the food, for example, and do the washing up while you relax, dh can do at least half of the cleaning beforehand. Don't do it all yourself.

And next year book a restaurant, all the adults can pay for themselves.

sparklekitty · 06/12/2012 16:37

Stick a rota on the front door assigning jobs :) They won't want to come next year :)

AbigailAdams · 06/12/2012 16:59

All these suggestions are practical but they are still implying it is the OPs responsibility and her DH/PIL/BIL are "helping" out. It isn't her responsibility. He should know what needs doing. She shouldn't have to spend time creating rotas and lists, worrying whether she has forgotten anything etc. I am sure no-one sat you down OP the first time you did it. They just expected you to know/work it out for yourself. Why can't your DH do that?

The only way to make it is his responsibility is to go on strike and leave him to it (and tell your children it is his responsibility so if it is a shambles they know who to blame!)

izzyizin · 06/12/2012 17:01

It's not too late to book a meal in a restaurant for this Christmas Day.

Up your h's life insurance, leave your computer/laptop open at Christmas lunch or dinner at The Ritz or similar and tell him you've booked a table for (insert number) that he'll be paying for.

Alternatively, take yourself out for a delicious Christmas lunch before the day and buy in an appropriate number of those awful Birds Eye frozen roast chicken tv dinners that can be shoved lovingly reheated in the microwave followed by an inferior Christmas pud and serve it to your guests while they watch Her Maj's speech from the comfort of your armchairs.

It would be polite to give advance notice that if they don't bring booze with them, they'll be drinking water. As for your dc, simply suspend all rules and they're guaranteed to have a whale of a time

Seriously, honey, you've reached the point of sod that for a game of soldiers and have nothing to lose by withdrawing your slave labour for the duration. If all else fails, feign a slipped disc or d&v bug or similar from 22 December and let your h and the guests do the food/drink buying, organising, and cooking.

wanderingalbatross · 06/12/2012 17:13

If you do all the work this year then next year won't be any different! You need to get your DH working, and your kids too if they're old enough. Do the prep on Xmas eve, ask your in-laws to bring a dish, and suggest you all go out to the pub before lunch as you've done all the prep the night before.

Or else just turn round and tell your DH that he's in charge of the preparations.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 06/12/2012 17:19

Here's a novelty: just say no, you are not doing it

If they don't like it, they can lump it

Nobody respects a martyr. They might be a bit shocked if you down tools, but they will be forced to respect you. And that includes your stupid husband who puts his relatives selfish freeloading and laziness over his wife's wish to not be taken advantage of repeatedly

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