Hi everyone. 1st time poster wanting bit of advice

[MartinsAuntie]

My in-laws are coming to us AGAIN for xmas lunch. They have come to us every year for the past 5 years. My brother-in-law and his family also come to us and I think it's about time we either went to the in-laws or to my brother-in-laws. The problem is every time I mention this to my DH he says that they should come to us because we have the room. That's fair enough but its not him who has to do all the cooking and cleaning. Him and his brother go to the pub at lunchtime and leave me too it. The mother-in-law and brother-in-laws wife simply stay in the living room drinking all our sherry and leave me to do all the work. Any suggestions on how to put this madness to an end (without ruining everyone's xmas)?

The children won't care about the Xmas meal, though - so really, don't guilt yourself into it that way.

In fact, they'd probably enjoy seeing YOU sitting down with a glass of sherry during the day, getting involved with them and their presents and having a good time.

And in the long run, it will do them MORE good than anything else to not have the 'women in the kitchen/men in the pub' scenario spoon-fed to them.

So - you say - yes fine, everyone's more than welcome. I'm not cooking though, I've done all the work for the last x years. I might come along to the pub for a bit, but I'll probably stay put and play with the kids. So you need to get that organised with MIL/SIL/BIL, see who's going to take it on for a change.'

And then - you don't buy food as usual then leave it until the big day to try and get someone else to cook, because guaranteed you will cave. You make SURE in the run-up, when it's just you and him, that the message gets across that you ain't doing the work - at all - this year.

So, next week - 'Have you spoken to them about who's cooking/buying the food? We need to book lunch somewhere if no-one's prepared to do it'

Week before Christmas: 'I'm going to do a shop for Boxing Day food. No, nothing for Christmas meal, I've already said - I'm not doing it. If you don't sort it, there'll be nothing but snacks.'

AND THEN - THE HARDEST PART - ACTUALLY DON'T BUY THE FOOD.

I predict a panic and an argument on Xmas Eve, which is when you will know whether you actually do have a good guy who will take notice and help you out when given a nudge, or whether you have en entitled lazy user who will turn nasty when he doesn't get it all his own way when that's what he's been used to!

As others have said, the only way to end this is to refuse to cook on your own. If you don't do that then you're just stuck with the same thing all over again. If you're not willing to actually do anything about it then it's time to stop complaining and just continue to be a martyr.

Book Xmas lunch at the pub. DH can pick up the bill. Everyone's happy.

Then again, if you don't tell people you're unhappy, how are they to know? Have you ever asked for help from DH / BIL / MIL / SIL?

Do you not have any family to spend Xmas with for a change?

You have to be more proactive, otherwise you'll continue to do this. For years. Getting more and more resentful. Not a happy scenario.

I wouldn't be happy for our joint money to pay for everybody's xmas lunch at the pub, either.

Just say no is the best way to go

DON'T BE A MARTYR YOU WILL BE TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!!!!!

Be very vocal that you're not providing food. Have something in for the kids and fanny around with toys and films etc.

Go out for Xmas lunch

Can't everyone chip in?
One set of people bring canapes or starter, another set of people bring veg, another set bring pudding, another set bring cheeses and another set bring wine etc. That way you only have to cook (and buy) the meat. This is what we tend to do when everyone's here and I feel like it works ok.

On a totally different note, we are living in a very different world now where husband doesn't go to the pub with his mates while the wife does all the kitchen work. Not saying that it is wrong but it is a totally different perspective of life :)

After reading these threads on MN, I can appreciate how most of women feel about a certain issue.In the hindsight many things make much more sense to me which I never understood about DW's behaviour. I have even started to make my notes about Do's and Dont Do's :) I hope I could make some positive changes. MN is amazing and its posters are very sensible, well most of them are:)

Op what is the latet

Squishy's idea is good and workable too at this late stage. You will probably need to do the phoning around, but just phone the others and say that since you don't want to spend all of Xmas day in the kitchen on your own again, you would like them to bring xxxxxxx, fully prepared, and then take charge of heating/cooking their bit when they get to yours. You will need to allocate someone with table laying etc too.

Maybe next year will be different...

Maybe next year you can plan to be away for Christmas....

It will only be different if you take a different track.

They will not change cos it's to their advantage to piss off down to the pub and pissed back home again and leave the women to it....

You could always all go down to the pub for Christmas lunch....

Get stuck into the bucks fizz in place of breakfast. Then start on the sherry/wine/whatever you fancy by 12 noon (or just go to the pub). You'll not be fit to cave in and cook by then, or at least you'll be bouyed up enough to tell em all to feck off

fair enough but its not him who has to do all the cooking and cleaning

You lost me there OP.

Why not?

Just say no. Fuck that.

^

Just say NO.

Arrange all the gubbins for a meal (if you must), but tell everyone that this year you will be going to the pub at 11.00am and will expect Xmas lunch to be on the table when you come home at 1.00pm. No argument, no further discussion.

Simples.

Order food and split the bill , demand help with cleaning.

I'd talk to MIL and SIL and tell them you are cooking the turkey and give them a list each of what to bring (all veg, stuffing and deserts). Then also tell them to make sure all the men know that they get to do all the dishes after you've all eaten, that way they can still go to the pub (no whining) and you and the other women get to sit back after dinner and enjoy yourselves.
Split the jobs and enjoy yourself.

You know what. I don't think most kids would care about a christmas dinner if they can snack on crap & nibbles for one day.

Tell your H you are not doing it, then forget it.

My dad and my grandad always used to go to the pub on Xmas day while the wimmen folk stayed home. Course this was the 70's. Thing is even though that was how it was and terribly old fashioned/sexist etc my dad still did his share - he'd help prep the veg before he went, shell the chestnuts when he got home, carve the turkey and help dish up etc etc. Mum only really basted the turkey while he was out and prepared the yorkshire puddings.

A bit of organisation and compromise can reduce the burden on you substantially but the thing is if you just don't want to do it this way anymore you have to talk to your DH about it. It doesn't sound as if you want to refuse to host anymore just that you want a bit more input. That's fair enough and if you can't manage to have a conversation that reasonable with your DH you have bigger problems than Christmas.

Do people still DRINK sherry?

We share all of the Christmas organisation in this house and always have, with increasing responsibilities as the DSs grew up:

DH
All food shopping and planning for meals
Cards for his family and friends

Me
All present buying and wrapping
Cards for my family and friends
House decorating, tree etc

DSs
All presents and cards for their friends
Helping DH and me as needed

Christmas Day
Everyone mucks in. DH in charge in kitchen, the rest of us are sous chefs
DSs and me clear up afterwards

Result
No one feels overly put upon, no one stressed, everyone has joined in.

"Do people still DRINK sherry?"

I'm sipping a thimbleful of chilled Tio Pepe right now!!!!

There's nothing nicer than a glass of La Ina Fino as an aperitif or with a slice of plain or fruit cake for elevenses.

Make a list of everything that has to be done, and a list of adults. Match them up.

Send the combined list to everyone with the time at which you will be serving up so they know when they have to have their bit ready for.

Then you can all go to the pub.