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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

ex has told me my nieces and nephews aren't my nieces and nephews any more

27 replies

sausagesandwich34 · 27/10/2012 23:31

I was with my ex for 13 years

when we met his nieces and nephews were aged between 1 month and 8 years

I treated them as my nieces and nephews, birthday/christmas presents, christmasses and family occasions spent together, odd bit of babysitting -the usual

one of them has applied for a job where I work -my ex mentioned it and I said I hoped she got the job but it would be strange working with my niece and he started ranting about they weren't my family and nothing to do with me -they are the dcs family but not mine

not sure why but he really upset me with that comment -I know technically he is right but still...

OP posts:

MushroomSoup · 27/10/2012 23:36

What a lot of shit he talks. I bet the children still think of you as their auntie. Why is his opinion of any interest to you at all?
My brother divorced his first wife 15 years ago and my children call her auntie still! She is still something of a sister to me. My brother is quite happy with the relationship we all have - his children from his second marriage refer to her as 'auntie' too!
Your ex is not in control of other people's friendships and family dynamics.

doctordwt · 27/10/2012 23:39

Yes you are - you're related to them by marriage.

Just blandly point out to him that should someone decide to compile a family tree, you'd be on it and so would they. And that will be the case 100 years from now, when he's long dead and gone, whether he likes it or not!

Then once you e got that basic point across to him in words of one syllable, ask him if he thinks it's such a good idea to make his insecurities so plain to you.

Original poster

sausagesandwich34 · 27/10/2012 23:41

never married -I may as well not exist

OP posts:

theykillhorses · 27/10/2012 23:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

theykillhorses · 27/10/2012 23:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

doctordwt · 27/10/2012 23:51

Doesn't really make a difference if you think if it in terms of a family tree though. You'd be there as the mother of their cousins.

Ultimately though what really matters is how you and your nephews and nieces feel. You have a family relationship with these people and it's up to you and them if that continues. Not him. That's why he's being such a knob - it's something out of his control. It's not for him to say what you are to each other - but because he was the 'link' person, he'd like to think it is.

But the link now is your DC, not him. So point out the family tree example and just say, I don't really see how my relationship with anyone else is any of your business really!

TheCrackFox · 27/10/2012 23:54

When my brother split with his wife I made a point of phoning my ex-SIL and letting her know she would always be a friend to me, welcome in my house and, more importantly she would always be my boy's auntie.

What I am trying to say is your ex has no right to dictate how this works. Your nephew and niece will always see you as their anutie, because, well, you are.

MysteriousHamster · 27/10/2012 23:58

Just remember that lots of people have Aunts and Uncles they're not related to at all (eg parent's friends). I still consider my Aunty Julia and Uncle Dave to be aunt and uncle even though we are no relation at all and I'm all grown up with kids of my own now!

If you have a relationship, being split from your ex won't make it all magically disappear. It might make it harder to maintain but the kids will remember.

mathanxiety · 28/10/2012 02:50

So he ranted and yes it hurts but so what? What can he actually do to enforce his diktat?

Silly man.

CogitoEerilySpooky · 28/10/2012 06:37

Strictly speaking you never were 'related' to the nephews and nieces (or your ex for that matter) but, if they see you as part of the family and vice versa, why would that matter? One of the many upsetting parts of the breakdown of a long-term relationship is losing contact with the 'in-laws' and other people who decide to side with the ex. If your niece is comfortable enough with you to work at the same place I'd say that's a big plus

AThingInYourLife · 28/10/2012 06:44

He sounds like a right dipshit.

Why does it bother him so much?

CogitoEerilySpooky · 28/10/2012 06:48

It bothers him because he sees it as disloyalty on the niece's part....

sudaname · 28/10/2012 07:03

We just had a situation in our family with a similiar issue.

DHs neice (his brothers daughter) has just had a baby. He said to me 'Ooooh you're a great Auntie now.'

I said to him that l'm not really surely as we only married three years ago so l was never really his neices Auntie - his Exw was , iyswim.

Also we have no children together so l have no blood link to his neice either but his Exw has - as the mother of her cousins.

He said 'Dont be stupid, course you are' missed his vocation my DH, should have been a diplomat .

His reasoning was that you are an Aunt or Uncle either by blood or by marriage and he's the 'by blood' so l'm the 'by marriage' and would also be no less of an Aunt/Great Aunt whether or not we had children, even if we had wed years ago.

sudaname · 28/10/2012 07:14

I think l understand

I asked him therefore if he thought his Exw was still their Aunt cos on his basis it's the being married to the blood Uncle or Aunt, not being the parent of the cousins that qualifies the spouse as Aunt or Uncle. But he took the Fifth l'm afraid as he does with most things to do with 'Her who shant be mentioned' so cant help you there OP !

quietlysuggests · 28/10/2012 08:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HeinousHecate · 28/10/2012 08:37

It doesn't matter whether you're their aunt or not.

Family is not about rules or dna or legal relationships. It's much more than that.

If you think of these people as family, if you love them like family, they're family.

It doesn't matter what he says.

Don't let him chase you away from people who matter to you.

OpheliaPayneAgain · 28/10/2012 08:41

More to the point - what relationship to the neice and nephew want with you?

daffydowndilly · 28/10/2012 08:42

Ridiculous. Your relationship with your nieces and nephews are absolutely nothing to do with him.

My aunt by marriage, left her husband (for good reason), and she is still very much in my life and heart and I love her as much as 'blood' relatives. Your x is being a controlling dip shit. Mind my x told me not to talk to his parents directly as they were nothing to do with me... control freak, if neither I nor they agree.

DinosaursOnASpaceship · 28/10/2012 08:49

You're technically not their auntie anymore it it shouldn't matter, you can still care about them and have a relationship with them them without having an official title.

rumbelina · 28/10/2012 08:59

How rubbish of him. My auntie sue is still my auntie sue even though she and my mums brother divorced years ago and he is remarried. In fact I don't think of his new wife as my aunt at all although technically she is.

For me it is about the relationship and not the technicality.

panicnotanymore · 28/10/2012 09:02

The good thing about him being an ex - much as it may rile him he has no control over your life, or your relationship with his extended family. Your have 13 years of history with the nephews and nieces, and his views don't change that.

sudaname · 28/10/2012 09:48

I'm afraid quitetlysuggests is correct technically. The dictionary definition of Aunt is

' the sister of your mother or father or the wife of your uncle '

but l am only being technical because my DHs Exw kicked off a while ago about my step DGCs calling me 'Nana' - their choice (her and DHs biologically but l have been much more of a 'Nana' to them than she has since birth) so now with this Auntie/Great Auntie thing it's revenge time

WhoNickedMyName · 28/10/2012 09:53

Does it matter really whether you are 'technically' their aunt or not?

What matters is that you are allowing him to still have some kind of hold on you or power over you by getting upset over this petty shit.

Your best response to this kind of thing would be to just laugh in his face.

Original poster

sausagesandwich34 · 28/10/2012 10:46

no t doesn't really matter if I'm not technically their aunt -never was

it's just the errosion of my history over the last 13 years

I go to his parents, where I lived for 18 months and they had an open door policy, and I stand on the doorstep like a stranger -his parents are ok with me, but he's not and they don't want to upset their son -perfectly understandable but I moved years ago to be close to his family, they are all I had, much closer to his family than my family so just feeling a bit lonely this week I think

this isn't even a new split but it's a time of year with lots of family birthdays and anniversaries and I'm feeling a bit meh about it all

OP posts:

LilQueenie · 28/10/2012 10:54

trash its not blood that counts its who was part of your life. my aunt and uncle split and the new wife has tried everything to get rid of us. Everyone now hates her. It wasnt up to her it was up to people involved in lives before she came along. Stupid cow really cause he wanted to patch everything up. When that wasnt happening he went with her as second best thing. [hgrin]

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