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Original poster

Married but still in love with ex from long ago

40 replies

MinkSlink · 18/10/2012 19:48

From the age of 13 to about 22 I dated a guy on and off, we were a massive part of each other's lives for years but circumstances meant we could never be together properly.

I'm now happily married with 3 young DC, DH and I have been together for 6 years and we get on brilliantly and are very much in love but I regularly dream about my ex (literally once a week) and often wake up crying. He is now married and expecting a baby, we will never be together, so why do I feel like this?

OP posts:
Original poster
MinkSlink · 18/10/2012 20:25

Bump?

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LadyMud · 18/10/2012 22:29

Is it really your ex that you're yearning for - or for that carefree time when you were young and free from responsibilities?

kittybiscuits · 18/10/2012 22:43

Hi OP, sorry you feel troubled. Could you maybe try and think about the wider possibilities here? Sometimes there is an amazing connection between two people, which can be powerful, extreme even. It's not unusual in this situation to think that you were meant to be together/soulmates etc. But that isn't the only possible explanation. Chemistry can be a good or a bad thing. Sometimes it is something to run in the opposite direction from. Try to keep a focus on the good relationship you have now. How do you really think it would have panned out with your ex?

OneMoreGo · 18/10/2012 23:03

One point - even if soulmates exist, they do not always stay together. Some argue that it is less likely soulmates would last the course, as there is so much intensity between them and that's not condusive to a settled serene existance. Some people also say that soulmates come together to work through specific stuff rather than have the happily ever after thing. Could you take some comfort from that? Maybe your time together had to happen but also had to end?

And also, what were the circumstances preventing you from being together? Could you elaborate? Have you talked to your DH about any of this?

springyhope · 19/10/2012 00:23

hmm sounds like more of an obsession (which has nothing to do with the object). I had a thing like this about a teacher, who was (as if it needs saying) inappropriately obsessed with me when I was young. He got inside my soul somehow and it took a lot of therapy (sorry) to get him out. I'm not suggesting this guy is an abuser, as my teacher was, but something about it doesn't sound right. I dreamt about my teacher, regularly, until I was well into my 30s. Maybe it's the age you and I were. I don't believe in such a thing as soulmates. This must be undermining your marriage to quite a significant degree. therapy?

Jac1978 · 19/10/2012 07:05

It sounds like it's because you feel things are unfinished. Circumstances kept you apart rather than falling out of love and there's a feeling of something being unresolved and that's why you dream so frequently about him. Perhaps you once felt that you would end up with him and you're struggling to let go of this. If you're both happily settled with other people it would do more harm than good to act on it especially with children involved. You need to decide in your own mind how to take control of your fantasies before they take control of you.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/10/2012 08:48

I have one of these. We had that intensely close teenage relationship for years then broke up. I got married on the rebound relatively young but never forgot this guy and he was my 'go to' day-dream if ever I needed a mental escape from a bad marriage which ultimately ended in divorce. He tried to find me at one stage, heard I'd got married so didn't get in touch. Then he got married himself and now has three relatively grown-up kids. He's since found me again and I'm glad he did. Because I've discovered that - although he's still very nice - he's not the fantasy man I remembered.

Maybe, like me, you should meet your old flame and pop the fantasy bubble?

Original poster
MinkSlink · 19/10/2012 20:50

Thanks guys, all very helpful and insightful posts! I guess it will always just be one of those things, unfinished business and all that. And yes, it would probably (hopefully) burst the fantasy bubble if I were to see him again, I'm just mourning the days gone by!

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Original poster
MinkSlink · 19/10/2012 20:59

OneMoreGo - I lived in England, he lived in Ireland, we just couldn't be together! My family are from Ireland so I would see him every school break to continue our little love story, we wrote and spoke on teh phone all the time and when I was 21 we started seeing each other properly, I then went travelling, he waited for me for 6 months but I met someone else. When I came home I wanted to get back with him but he was with someone else, we had another fling and realised it couldn't work, we come from very different lives and very different places but we just have this amazing connection. Every time we got back in touch one of us was in a relationship or away working, star crossed!!!

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amillionyears · 19/10/2012 21:05

Does your DH know about all this?

Original poster
MinkSlink · 19/10/2012 21:14

No

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blueshoes · 19/10/2012 22:17

Has it intensified recently? If so, it could be because he is expecting a baby with his wife that in your mind could be the final door that closes on any chance of your getting together.

Original poster
MinkSlink · 19/10/2012 22:25

blueshoes - I reckon you might be right and I feel like a really horrible person. I should be feeling really happy for him and mainly I do, but there is a secret part of me that feels like "Nooooooooo!"

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Original poster
MinkSlink · 19/10/2012 22:27

I think he felt the same way when I got married and had children, but he was very gracious. I used to think things would be very black and white but perhaps there will always be these 'shades of grey' (no pun intended!) in marriages/relationships.

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amillionyears · 19/10/2012 22:32

hmm, I was thinking that this was a bit of a fantasy thing,and if it all was appropriate to tell DH about the dreams, but in a lighthearted,get it out of my system isnt it a bit of a laugh sort of way,that that might help end everything.
But now you have posted the last but one post,and I have reread your title to this thread, it is all a bit more serious.
Still pondering what I am next going to post tbh.

katykuns · 19/10/2012 23:17

I can totally sympathise with you OP. I had a relationship in my teens, that never really developed how I wanted... I have many regrets. BUT... I found him intensely attractive. I regularly think of him and fantasize of him... despite being in a very good relationship with my DP for the last 5 years - happily.

When in a relationship with an ex (different one) later on, the fantasy of him was overpoweringly strong... like my escape. Now it's just fleeting thoughts. I have no understanding as to why I still have these feelings... or how to stop them. I will say, admitting some of this to my DP, actually made it far less intense, and I stopped fantasizing about the ex as much. I think that's all it is really... a fantasy.

defineme · 19/10/2012 23:24

I know this was/is really special to you, but there really isn't just the one person that could be right for you. There's loads of people all over the world that we could be happy with. We're just not that special. You're happy now and you need to find some way of letting go.

When you're a teen the intensity of things isn't dissapated by kids/jobs and so on: you can't expect your present love to be like that.

Little ceromonies can help-write a letter getting it all out and then burn it.
In the nicest possible way-you need to get a grip and take charge of this. Good luck.

blueshoes · 19/10/2012 23:47

Hopefully your turmoil will ease up after his wife has had the baby because there will not be any more turning back. But I can understand if you are thrashing around prior to that date approaching.

Have you seen him recently? He might have put on weight. Agree with cognito that seeing a more recent version of him (not actually going on a date though!) could burst your fantasy bubble and remind you that you both are no longer the teenagers/young adults you used to be. That moment is gone.

OneMoreChap · 19/10/2012 23:51

I don't know why you feel like this. FFS don't tell your DH.

How would you fell if you were with soulmate and he confided in you he dreamt of OW every week and still missed her?

Get some counselling, and good luck.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 20/10/2012 00:00

I have said this before, but I believe my one true soulmate is an Inuit Indian currently living in an igloo on a remote part of the Antarctic Circle

I haven't met him yet, and never will

So it's just as well I made a good life with someone else

life sucks, huh

Original poster
MinkSlink · 20/10/2012 18:38

Urghh, still not feeling any better today, I'm really hoping the intensity of my feelings will pass, feel a bit out of control of them at the moment..

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amillionyears · 20/10/2012 18:51

Several things,I dont know which of these,if any is especially relevant.

You mention dreaming about him. Do you think about him much during the day.
When did you find out about the baby
You say you are mourning the days gone by. You do realise that if you were with him,you wouldnt be with your DH.
Which brings me to my next question,do you really love your DH?
And lastly,when you went travelling when you were 21,it was actually you that broke off the relationship even back then,in order to go out with someone else. What made you ditch the ex you are talking about now.?

BinksToEnlightenment · 20/10/2012 19:21

Have you seen the film Like Crazy? It's a romantic film, really bittersweet, about a couple who struggle to be together through distance and other relationships. I won't ruin the end for you, but I really recommended it. It made me think.

Original poster
MinkSlink · 20/10/2012 19:54

amillionyears - Yes I ended it by not coming back, he waited for 6 months, I came back ayear later was only meant to be gone one month.

I am thinking about him all the time at the moment, I genuinely do love DH but we are going through some other practical problems at the moment (house/job) so I guess as this other guy has always been my security and 'safe place' throughout my life that might have something to do with my feelings?

I would never leave my DH for him, I love him and of course my children, the other guy is married soon to be Dad, we live in different places, it just could literally never work.

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Original poster
MinkSlink · 20/10/2012 19:57

BinksToEnlightenment - haven't seen it, it looks great though, going to watch it!

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