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Relationships

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Original poster

Married but still in love with ex from long ago

40 replies

MinkSlink · 18/10/2012 19:48

From the age of 13 to about 22 I dated a guy on and off, we were a massive part of each other's lives for years but circumstances meant we could never be together properly.

I'm now happily married with 3 young DC, DH and I have been together for 6 years and we get on brilliantly and are very much in love but I regularly dream about my ex (literally once a week) and often wake up crying. He is now married and expecting a baby, we will never be together, so why do I feel like this?

OP posts:

Original poster

MinkSlink · 20/10/2012 20:00

BinksToEnlightenment - Just googled pictures and he looks just like him, might not be a good idea to watch it!

OP posts:

50shadesofmeh · 20/10/2012 20:06

It's the fantasy of it all, chances are you don't even know him at all any more and he doesn't know you, try and imagine living every day mundane life with him and juggling both of your kids with other people , it would likely be nothing like you are imagining.

amillionyears · 20/10/2012 20:17

ah, your ex is your "security" and "safe place" guy.
If he stayed just as a fantasy,and in your dreams once a week,I dont think there would really be a problem.
But you are "thinking about him all the time at the moment". Which isnt really a good thing,and more alarmingly you head your thread "Married but still in live with ex".
I presume your DH doesnt know anything about your ex.
Do you think your marriage is currently suffering because you are doing so much thinking about your ex?

Does your DH make you feel safe?

fwiw, I dont think if, for sake of argument your DH died,and your ex's partner died,that even if you got back together,that it would last. tbh,fwiw, I think it would have worked before if it was going to.

BinksToEnlightenment · 20/10/2012 21:00

Ah noo!

Well, anyway, I think the film kind of summarizes what I think about this - love can fade and feelings can change but memories stay the same. You look back and remember those perfect times. But as everyone says, the chances are it wouldn't be the same.

And, it would mean breaking up two families to be together. The guilt of that would tear you apart if nothing else.

It is so much better left as a lovely memory - even if it is one with the power to make you sad

Original poster

MinkSlink · 20/10/2012 21:05

There is just no way in the world I would ever consider splitting up my family for him, not in a million years. Even if we were both single I seriously doubt it would even work out, not now anyway.

I am just in this fantasy bubble and I think/hope it will pop as soon as his wife does!

OP posts:

OneMoreGo · 20/10/2012 21:08

yeah, I agree with amillionyears. I think if he was that amazing you would have hotfooted it back to him swiftly al those years ago rather than taking a year to come back, and getting with someone else in the meantime.

I wonder though if on some level you still feel guilty about having done that? And that fact he waited six months for you. That must have left things feeling a little unfinished I can imagine so I'm not really surprised you are still using him as your 'safe place' now. You maybe kind of feel you owe him one?

Not the same as if you had dated and got increasingly bored with each other, co-habited for three years or so... and got sick of picking up his smelly socks off the floor, his annoying tics and mannerisms, his shit taste in TV - you get the idea.
When things are left unfinished, even just emotionally, there is a longing there. You probably need to go back mentally to that time and talk to the him that he used to be, apologise for making him wait for 6 months and imagine him forgiving you.
Then move on and try and put it out of your mind of it will start affecting your marriage. Ideally your DH and you should be each others refuge in times of storm. If you take refuge in thoughts of a past love he can't possibly complete or know what's going on but he will feel the distance between you grow little by little.

Original poster

MinkSlink · 20/10/2012 21:22

I keep getting this really strange thing with him, we email each other and the last 2 times it has been within seconds of each other, both at random time sin the day/eve. Also happens with pokes on facebook, I'll sign in after having a dream about him and there will be a 'poke' from him.

OP posts:

slaveofsolitude · 20/10/2012 21:26

I know how you feel.

I still feel strongly about someone in my past (when I was 18, I'm now 35) - and we didn't have the kind of history you did! Just a few months really. I still think about him a lot - dreams / day dreams...he's married with kids now and so I am...so why do I continue to think about him? Safety, retreat, fantasy, the road less travelled....if I'm honest though, I thnk it is because he signifies feeling young, free, unencumbered, my whole life ahead of me, being in love...just perfect days really.

I remember being about 22 and still thinking about him and feeling sad but thinking, oh well, it will pass eventually, I definitely won't be feeling like this in 10 years time

I've know real happiness and love since and will continue to do so I'm sure, but those "perfect days" are gone...and maybe that's why it's still there in my head 17 years later. I'm sure if I saw him again, it wouldn't live up to the fantasy.

His presence ebbs and flows for me, I hope you get over this bump - I know that it's distracting.

amillionyears · 20/10/2012 21:30

MinkSlink, I think you should stop emailing him
You know the relationship with him would not work.
Your poor DH knows nothing about this.

If you need someone to tell you to cut off all contact with him from now on,I am happy to do that.

Smugfearnleyshittingstool · 20/10/2012 22:04

I felt like this for 12 years. It was almost daily and quite sickening. Then bizarrely we had a chance meeting, he was separating, so was I and it happened. It's not an easy journey, lots of children involved but I've loved and longed for him for so many years, it's lovely!

Original poster

MinkSlink · 20/10/2012 22:09

slaveofsolitude- it's so frickin distracting!
amillionyears - Thank you, I know you are right and I do need to be told
Smugfearnleyshittingstool - Oh God please tell me you're joking?!

OP posts:

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 20/10/2012 22:44

come on love, get a fucking grip

if it would upset your husband, it's wrong

you don't have a mystic connection with this bloke, fgs

blueshoes · 20/10/2012 23:23

Have you ever had a crush? Honestly, it is no more no less. You are not star crossed lovers, so give it up.

Dinglebert · 21/10/2012 12:26

OP if it had been that 'right' for you I don't see why you would have gone away for a month and stayed away/gone out with someone else. I think you are misremembering and using him as an escape from practical problems.

50shadesofmeh · 21/10/2012 17:13

I would defriend him on Facebook and stop poking each other and other such nonsense , you are playing with fire by keeping in touch when you feel this way. Think how hurt you would be if you found out hubby was doing similar, you may not intend to do anything but neither does anyone who stumbles into an affair.

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