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Original poster

Have any of you had a partner or husband who has undermined your career ambitions/progression?

31 replies

minouminou · 28/09/2012 14:21

Just that, really.
At a bit of a crossroads in life at the mo - finally through the fog of young children, thinking about properly picking up career reins again.

Thinking back to comments and behaviour from DP - sometimes I wonder if he wants me to actually do well. He seems to always have little put-downs ready when we get onto the subject.

For the past seven years I've been freelancing - writing, mainly - from home and now I'm ready for a new challenge. Suddenly, out come all the old digs about being incompatible with office life/too aggressive/too lacking in empathy etc etc etc

I've got a gob, but I am in NO WAY lacking in empathy.....

Just thinking aloud here.....

OP posts:
mcmooncup · 28/09/2012 14:33

You probably make his life easy for him at the moment - it's naice for him to have you to do the domestic sludgery I'm sure.

If you are ready to do something new, do it. You won't regret it.

And if you find out while you do this that your DP is a selfish prick then so be it. Cross that bridge when/if you get there.

Good luck Smile

Don't let him make you doubt yourself........

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/09/2012 14:35

I think you've answered your own question really. He wants to keep you exactly where you are and doesn't want you to branch out, be successful, meet new people. Screams 'insecurity' on his part and is not the behaviour of a supportive, loving partner. Either way, you'll be applying for those jobs won't you? :)

Numberlock · 28/09/2012 14:41

Sounds like an exciting time minou. Do you have a new career in mind or are you just seeing what's available at the moment?

I can't wait for you to prove him wrong and then start earning more than him. Smile

Original poster
minouminou · 28/09/2012 14:47

Thanks, guys.
He's not a bad guy - he's incredibly hands-on with the kids and probably does more housework than I do!
However, he seems unsettled by the sudden upswing in my ambitions. I'm 41 now, and I'm expecting to hear I'm past it any time soon.

OP posts:
slug · 28/09/2012 14:50

I had a partner like that. There's a very good reason I never married him.

When I suggested to DH however that I might do a second degree part time when DD was 2 he rearranged his life so he could take on more childcare duties.

Mydogsleepsonthebed · 28/09/2012 14:53

I had an H like that. He's an ex. It was the put downs, the not helping with the kids, the jokes that weren't jokes. DP would move mountains to support me.

olgaga · 28/09/2012 15:09

I had a BF who would always pick an argument with me the day or night before an important job interview.

Needless to say he wasn't my BF for very long.

Sorry you're going through this OP. You sound more than ready to move your life on. Don't be put off. You may be glad of the financial independence as well as the additional justification for sharing the drudgery!

Which is no doubt why he's so panicky.

CailinDana · 28/09/2012 16:22

Have you told him his comments are hurtful?

issimma · 28/09/2012 16:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Yogagirlscaredofpeas · 28/09/2012 16:48

Yeah, XH did this to me. He knew when we met that I always wanted a proper career. I had a good education and a good job before DCs. But when I wanted to go back and do another degree when youngest DC started nursery he hated it. I tried to explain to him how I felt, how important it was to me. He said I could do it but he would never fully support me - we would have to agree to disagree. I was upset at the time but assumed he would get over it and I bent over backwards to make sure I didn't upset family life too much.

Now I wish I had just told him to get stuffed at the time because apparently my going back to uni is what forced him to have an affair. Personally, I think it was because he's actually an immature, selfish, manipulative prick but apparently we will have to agree to disagree.

Sorry, don't mean to sound flippant about it. I think what i'm trying to say is that if this feels like a big deal to you, don't do what I did and ignore it. It's a big issue and you should really try to address with your DP.

Original poster
minouminou · 28/09/2012 21:46

There's a company in our city that I've had my eye on for years, basically it does the same thing that I've been doing freelance. In the interests of more security and money (it'd be regular), I'm after applying to it again.

I've applied to it before, seven years ago, but didn't have the relevant experience then. I'll never forget ironing my shirt to go to the interview and DP was stood by my side ranting about how it was pointless, I was unemployable, it was a waste of my time.

I had to go into the (long) interview with puffy eyes because I had been crying - thankfully it was summer, so I blamed it on a combo of pollen and contact lenses.

I've been freelancing for a govt dept for a few years now, and again, for added security, I'm thinking of asking if there's anything going. It'd mean London, though, and this might be where it all falls down. All's been well at nursery and school so far, but I really don't know if I'll be able to "get away with" the new schedule.

OP posts:
Original poster
minouminou · 28/09/2012 21:48

Olgaga, your scenario sounds v similar.
DP earns good money, and it's like he wants to be in the position of breadwinner whilst simultaneously whinging about it.

OP posts:
Numberlock · 28/09/2012 21:50

Get the job, dump the loser.

Ths hasn't changed in seven years, the problem has just been put on hold.

Numberlock · 28/09/2012 21:51

Aww these poor guys with their fragile egos and those pesky wives expecting equal rights!

Original poster
minouminou · 28/09/2012 21:56

He's not a bad guy, it's more that he's an eternal pessimist and I think he's also got used to this status quo - me being second fiddle.
I do have a chequered employment history, as temperament-wise I am more suited to freelancing. I'm rubbish at following rules - not because I'm some maverick genius or owt, but just because I'm rubbish at following rules! I've been happy freelancing, but I feel I've gone as far as I can and I also WANT to be out and about a bit more now the children aren't quite so dependent.

OP posts:
Numberlock · 28/09/2012 22:03

You like to defend him don't you.

Fosgoldlady · 28/09/2012 22:39

1st exh disrupted all my study time for a qualification and eventually admitted to it saying 'Your education ended when you were 16' . 2nd exh knew how much I'd been hurt by this and initially encouraged me to study. Then if ever I had to go away with work on training used to be a complete arse and I would end up in tears before, during and after. By the time the marriage had hit the rocks his words to me were 'You're not worth educating'.......

It's the one thing I hold as a hatred against both of them, despite constantly telling myself to let it go..........

Yogagirlscaredofpeas · 29/09/2012 09:10

min don't kid yourself please. One thing I've learned is that it's just not ok for your partner not to support you. Everyone else can tell you how shit you are at holding down a job, but if the person you're supposed to be closest to in the world is not being your cheerleader, pushing you to do things you want and love, is basically not on your side, then something is wrong.

something2say · 29/09/2012 09:16

I had an ex boss like that - don't get too above yourself, I mean what can you REALLY do???

If you are already married to him, I would stop telling him your plans. Tell others. Tell only those who encourage you. Do not tell naysayers.

What this means for your marriage I don't know. It may simply be that he needs to watch his fabulous wife claim yet another notch on the belt of life, having already been a fabulous mother. He may not realise how fantastic and capable you are.

He might need to watch out tho.....haha

Either way, good luck, and you CAN do it, and I am sure you will. Never rely entirely on a man. ;)

tribpot · 29/09/2012 09:28

I'll never forget ironing my shirt to go to the interview and DP was stood by my side ranting about how it was pointless, I was unemployable, it was a waste of my time.

That's a bit more than being a bit of a pessimist. This is actively seeking to sabotage your career. I think you need to be very clear to him that you expect him to be supportive of your career choices as you have been supportive of his. You do not appreciate the little jibes and certainly will not tolerate a repeat of the above performance before your next interview.

You should also note that a permanent job is likely to have less flexibility than you currently enjoy, and so juggling childcare and work will not be your sole responsibility. You've said All's been well at nursery and school so far, but I really don't know if I'll be able to "get away with" the new schedule but this is not your sole responsibility.

tallwivglasses · 29/09/2012 09:59

Funny that all these undermining DHs are all exes. Just an observation.

solidgoldbrass · 29/09/2012 11:04

Your relationship is doomed and the sooner you escape it the better. Sorry, but you are with a man who thinks that women are inferior to men and need to be 'trained' like dogs to accept servant status.

dysfunctionalme · 29/09/2012 11:13

On one hand you are describing really nasty behaviour
I'll never forget ironing my shirt to go to the interview and DP was stood by my side ranting about how it was pointless, I was unemployable, it was a waste of my time
and on the other you defend him He's not a bad guy, it's more that he's an eternal pessimist
so I suggest you're confused.

And I suspect that if you do get the dream job, that he'll make life v difficult indeed. And that you will either cave in to his demands (that you continue with your chequered employment pattern to satisfy his need to reign) or you will leave him. Unless you are able to talk frankly with him about how you feel and he is able to hear you and start to pick up his act.

Viviennemary · 29/09/2012 11:19

No, but I had a colleague who did. She only worked part time and could have had a full time job and better prospects. Her husband said no. And they got divorced eventually and she massively lost out on her pension.

Original poster
minouminou · 30/09/2012 12:36

Thanks for your input ladies.

I have some serious thinking to do.

Like I've said before, though, he's v supportive as long as I stay at second fiddle. Thing is, I am fed up of being second fiddle.

On a day-to-day basis I'm in charge at home - doing almost all of the thinking and planning. He always defers to me.

I was talking about applying for various jobs in London when some friends were over for lunch last weekend, and his response was a half-hearted "Email them and see what they say...."

I am a bit confused, really.

OP posts: