Have any of you had a partner or husband who has undermined your career ambitions/progression?

[minouminou]

Just that, really.
At a bit of a crossroads in life at the mo - finally through the fog of young children, thinking about properly picking up career reins again.

Thinking back to comments and behaviour from DP - sometimes I wonder if he wants me to actually do well. He seems to always have little put-downs ready when we get onto the subject.

For the past seven years I've been freelancing - writing, mainly - from home and now I'm ready for a new challenge. Suddenly, out come all the old digs about being incompatible with office life/too aggressive/too lacking in empathy etc etc etc

I've got a gob, but I am in NO WAY lacking in empathy.....

Just thinking aloud here.....

I think you need to do what is best for you and then work from there. Your dc will benefit from a mum who is happy and fulfilled and is not resentful of not doing the things she wanted to do because it was the 'best' for the family.

I've never heard of anyone or come across anyone who is so aggressive they can't work in an office! Unless you have serious anger management issues which you don't come across as having :) those sound to me like words that have been put in your mouth. My mum always tells me I have a terrible temper for example but she's the only one who does say or think that.

When I got a terrific promotion, everyone I knew was overjoyed. My office at work was full of flowers. My ex didn't even say "Well done" or "Congratulations." I waited and waited and then burst into tears. And two days later, he bought some deli food and flowers but it was a shite reaction. He admitted years later when our marriage was on its last legs that he was terrified that I was going to leave him. And I should have. Not because of the promotion but because of his reaction. It's absolutely shitty not to be able to support and celebrate the work that other people do.

I would suggest that his response was less negative when you had friends for lunch because he knew he had an audience, and if he said what he usually says someone would take him up on it.

Which means he knows his put downs are unacceptable, but continues to do so when you're alone.

Big. Red. Flag.

Yep, been there, done that. He picked the weekend before my final degree exams to behave like a complete arsehole towards me, giving me the silent treatment when I said I needed to revise. He acted like a hurt puppy when I wouldn't drop everything to see him due to looming assignment deadlines, all of that, so I'd go out of guilt.

I got a distinction. He's now my ex.

I would not stop some guy (husband or no) sabotaging my career. I never heard of a person who can't work in a company, perhaps those situations didn't suit you, but another one might, especially with your extra experience now. I love my work and my husband is extremely supportive, encourages me to go for promotion, helpful with small things (like printing/taking me places) and generally this is an area in which we are strong. He is also ambitious so it is very much equal status, I couldn't abide to be with a man who only wanted me to do half as well as him, always have the second career, always take on the bulk of the household tasks (which we both hate), wanted me to stay home. In fact, I didn't know men like this existed, most of my friends work quite happily and I don't see their husband plotting to keep them under.

If someone ranted at me whilst I was preparing for an interview, I would go to the interview, get the job and boot them out. Seriously. This is not just a bit pessimistic, it's really nasty and should not be tolerated. As SGB says, you are a person in your own right, not some accompaniment to the main event (him). Deeply concerning.

Sorry, no. This isn't OK.

I would bet his behaviour is down to 2 things:

1. He probably quite enjoys having someone to deal with all the boring domestic organisation. That's why he defers to you about everything to do with it - because he has absolutely no interest in it and doesn't want any responsibility for it. Housekeepers and nannies cost a lot of money but he's got one for free.
2. He wants to be top dog, which means you have to be bottom dog. This is down to insecurity.

If he starts whining on, or trying to get you down, you need to just stamp on it. Have an argument, if he's provoking you. Tell him to shut up or fuck off. You have to be the stronger personality or he's just going to walk all over you.