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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can i have some advice please.

93 replies

carernotasaint · 23/07/2012 16:43

Can i have some advice please.
(3 Posts)

Add message | Report | Message poster
carernotasaintMon 23-Jul-12 16:07:31

Its about my DBs daughter whos 17. Her parents my DB and his ex split up when she was a toddler.
DN is now at college but hasnt been doing all her coursework so to punish her she has been stopped from going on hols with DB. Shes also been made to close her Twitter account and they have confiscated her mobile phone (its a very old phone with NO internet access.) just calls and texts. Last time they confiscated the same mobile phone for TWO YEARS. There is no way she can contact extended family.
At the moment she is on a placement locally and has asked me if i have a spare phone she can have. I do (i was going to give it to her anyway as DH bought me a new one for my birthday.) this phone DOES have internet access but i would rather she had a phone just for safety sake.
Over the weekend theres been another problem. Shes managed to get a message through to me that her younger brothers used to beat her with certain implements.
I told DH and hes told me not to take it seriously. Hes also told me not to sneak her the phone as it will cause trouble for DB and he might be stopped from seeing her. What the hell do i do

OP posts:
izzyizin · 23/07/2012 16:54

Are you saying that your 17yo niece is being punished for not having completed all of her college coursework by being prevented from going, or being told she cannot go, on holiday with her df, and that in addition her ancient mobile has been confiscated and she has been made to close her Twitter account?

Who is punishing her? Her dm? Is your niece an unusually compliant teenager?

What are your db's views on the way his dd is being treated?

Offred · 23/07/2012 16:58

? You want advice on the issues?

But out and stop interfering. A teenager does not "need" a phone for safety if she has no income of her own then it is up to her parents whether they buy her one. Younger brother has beaten her with implements? WTF? It isn't ok for siblings to hit each other but it happens commonly, if you have concerns, real ones you should be contacting SS not undermining her parents. I fail to see real concern just judgement about your brother's x's parenting and attempts to passive aggressively undermine her. Some of the things are unwise such as treating a holiday with her father as a privilege to be removed but as long as it is the holiday and not the contact that is being curtailed that isnt so bad.

izzyizin · 23/07/2012 18:09

IMO once a child begins to go out and about on their own/with their friends, they should be equipped with a mobile phone for their dps' peace of mind safety's sake.

Given that the dps/carers of a young person who is in full-time education is in receipt of child benefit payments, it should be within the realms of financial possibility to provide a PAYG mobile phone and a £10 top up each month by way of pocket money for the children of the family.

Also IMO, preventing a dc from going on holiday with an absent parent is tantamount to stopping the dc from having contact with one of their dps and would seem to me to be punishing the absent parent for the alleged sins of the child.

Original poster
carernotasaint · 23/07/2012 20:48

izzyizin thats pretty much summed up the way i feel about it to. Sorry that i havent posted much on this thread. I posted it on the Chat board first and theres more details on there.

OP posts:
Offred · 23/07/2012 20:51

You might want them to have a phone but they don't "need it to be safe" and I think from the rest of the post that comment is about the op wanting her to call her to foster some kind of special relationship where the child tells her bad things about her mum.

Saying a child can't go on holiday is not the same as saying they can't see their dad, not at all, only would be if the mum was expecting the daughter to be at home and not with the dad. For all we know the dad has agreed to this and I don't see what business it is of the child's aunt. Her brother is big enough to have a 17 year old then he needs to be the one doing all this and nobody will thank the op for interfering. Probably not even the daughter in the end.

If the op has concerns about the child's home environment she should speak to NSPCC or SS, definitely not do all this interfering, judging and undermining which will not end well.

Offred · 23/07/2012 20:55

If anything a mobile phone is going to be a thing for someone to steal I can't see how it keeps anyone safe, until the last 20 odd years people managed to live and be teenagers perfectly safely without mobile phones.

Original poster
carernotasaint · 23/07/2012 20:56

45

You might want them to have a phone but they don't "need it to be safe" and I think from the rest of the post that comment is about the op wanting her to call her to foster some kind of special relationship where the child tells her bad things about her mum.
This is absolute rubbish. Her mum is nothing to do with me. I dont give a shit. I just want to see that my DN is ok.

As ive just posted on here that there is more details on the chat board and you have made this big huge assumption about me without finding out the full story first, then i would say that that says much more about you than it does about me!

OP posts:
Offred · 23/07/2012 20:59

I've responded to what you have written here, sorry if you don't like it.

It is apparent you don't give a shit about her mum. No doubt she does and I think it is unwise of you to create trouble like this if what you have is just a difference of opinions about how to raise children. If there is more to it please explain because I can't view chat on my phone.

Original poster
carernotasaint · 23/07/2012 21:05

But out and stop interfering.

When i was working at the local council many years ago my job was to file and input claims paperwork. One of the claims was hers.
Where she was asked on the claim paperwork whether she was receiving maintenance she had ticked NO.
But DB has been paying her maintenance ever since they split so i knew the information was false.
But i decided not to "butt in and interfere" Offred if i wanted to cause troouble i would have done it back then. But i am NOT that kind of person. Sorry to dissappoint you!

OP posts:
Original poster
carernotasaint · 23/07/2012 21:06

I meant i dont give a shit what her mum does. Not that i dont give a shit about her personally. You are putting words in my mouth.

OP posts:
Offred · 23/07/2012 21:08

That is so deeply unprofessional to have read her paperwork and jumped to conclusions and surely something you could be prosecuted for under data protection laws, especially defaming her on the Internet. You dont actually know for sure whether your brother was paying maintenance either.

Original poster
carernotasaint · 23/07/2012 21:09

I was on workfare at the time!

OP posts:
Offred · 23/07/2012 21:09

What actual concerns do you have about the welfare of this child? If you do have some you need to report them for the child's sake, if you don't have any leave it alone and let your brother deal with his family.

Original poster
carernotasaint · 23/07/2012 21:10

If you know of a way to input data without reading it then please do enlighten me!

OP posts:
Offred · 23/07/2012 21:10

It doesn't matter whether you were employed or on workfare, it is still illegal under data protection laws to do something like that.

Original poster
carernotasaint · 23/07/2012 21:11

HOW CAN I INPUT DATA WITHOUT READING IT SHOW ME PLEASE.

OP posts:
Offred · 23/07/2012 21:12

When you read her name you stop reading, then you call the supervisor and say "I'm sorry I know this person and therefore I can't input this private data about their finances".

Original poster
carernotasaint · 23/07/2012 21:12

WELL???!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
carernotasaint · 23/07/2012 21:13

I WAS TOLD TO GET ON WITH IT. i WAS ON WORKFARE.when you are on workfare you have to do as you are told.

OP posts:
Doha · 23/07/2012 21:20

Offred please stop being a PITA.

Offred · 23/07/2012 21:21

Why are you shouting at me? It is deeply unethical to first have read her benefit claim and second to be talking about it on the internet. Did you say you couldn't input the data? To be fair to you they really, really should have explained that this was not ok to do. If it didn't occur to you and you weren't told then fair enough but don't use it to hold a grudge and plaster it all over the internet and please think about making a complaint. Which centre was it?

What are you actual concerns about you DN? If you have some what is your brother doing/thinking?

I am coming at this from the perspective of the xp with a lying ex who has an interfering sister:

Offred · 23/07/2012 21:21

Why am I being a PITA?

Original poster
carernotasaint · 23/07/2012 21:26

I am coming at this from the perspective of the xp with a lying ex who has an interfering sister

Ah now i get it. Anyway i have asked for this thread to be deleted. Ive had enough.

OP posts:
NorksAreMessy · 23/07/2012 21:36

offred why are you being so confrontational towards someone who has asked for support? I am baffled.

carer shall we try NOT to get derailed by other posters and talk JUST about your quite justifiable concerns for your niece?

Original poster
carernotasaint · 23/07/2012 21:36

I have learnt a valuable lesson tonight. Dont come on the Relationships board and ask for advice about a child/minor unless you are a parent yourself. Lesson learned and taken on board.

OP posts:
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