Can i have some advice please.

[carernotasaint]

Can i have some advice please.
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carernotasaintMon 23-Jul-12 16:07:31

Its about my DBs daughter whos 17. Her parents my DB and his ex split up when she was a toddler.
DN is now at college but hasnt been doing all her coursework so to punish her she has been stopped from going on hols with DB. Shes also been made to close her Twitter account and they have confiscated her mobile phone (its a very old phone with NO internet access.) just calls and texts. Last time they confiscated the same mobile phone for TWO YEARS. There is no way she can contact extended family.
At the moment she is on a placement locally and has asked me if i have a spare phone she can have. I do (i was going to give it to her anyway as DH bought me a new one for my birthday.) this phone DOES have internet access but i would rather she had a phone just for safety sake.
Over the weekend theres been another problem. Shes managed to get a message through to me that her younger brothers used to beat her with certain implements.
I told DH and hes told me not to take it seriously. Hes also told me not to sneak her the phone as it will cause trouble for DB and he might be stopped from seeing her. What the hell do i do

offred im not going to go in with my big size fives shouting the odds. Thats not me. Thats why i asked for advice on here first.

All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing? (or words to that effect)

I do agree the only thing that matters is the child's wellbeing but I also think it absolutely will not help to try and sort this out on your own. If she is being abused the mum will blame you for being interfering and unreasonable and that will delay your DN getting help. If you are being wound up then you will just make things worse.

Thanks Offred. Sorry we got off on the wrong foot. Im sorry youve been having a hard time. Believe me if my DB was anything like your ex i would NOT be harassing you like your exes sister is. How would she like it if the boot was on the other foot.

On what you have said you cannot be sure there is anything going on. I'm not sure your position in the family is conducive to actually helping. Obviously you have seen the child and how she looks/is feeling, if something doesn't sit right please call someone official and objective and get the family on the radar.

I'm sorry too. Xp has dcs overnight (last time did not go well) and I am nervous about it. I also have a generally unfortunate manner

Btw his sister also thinks I am evil and he is great, he is charismatic and lies a lot.

How old are your dcs offred?

7 and 5 last time he was smoking in the house and ds got croup and he thought he was wheezy and didn't call anyone because he thought he'd get told off for smoking (my interpretation)

Offred in my case i think my DB needs to not be so apathetic. Beleive me i dont see my DB as charismatic. That would be weird.

Bloody hell Offred what an irresponsible selfish git. No wonder you are stressed at him having them. He should have called someone and not smoked near them in the first place. Fucking moron.

Ha! Yes, I think his dsis sees him in an inappropriately sexual way . But I also don't think my situation reflects on yours other than that because you are the sis if the ex it is really difficult to get involved and you need to protect your objectivity in order to protect your DN if something is going on IYSWIM?

He lies, even to them (ds gets hysterically upset if you suggest his dad smokes nevermind in the house) about smoking in the house but write on fb that he has dropped cigs down radiator etc and they STINK of cigs when they come home after being there an hour.

YES i know exactly what you mean. i also know that my DB is no angel. a lesson your exes sister still has yet to learn it seems.

My mum is a dr and is on his side so he could have called her and not involved "services" but didn't, just sat up with him all night thinking he was wheezing then when I called and found out got my mum to take them away cos he was tired. His sister (and alcoholic mum) still think I'm a twat and try to undermine and interfere all the time.

After an HOUR. He must be quite a heavy smoker then. and he shouldnt be making his ds complicit in the lie. he sounds like a big manchild.

His sister, wherever we move, literally wherever we (me and DH or me on my own) have lived, she had moved in over the road, literally opposite our house.

He is, your db doesn't sound so great either, what is he doing about your worries?

Anyway, detailing territory now... Really think you should call NSPCC yourself, which is a step before SS and will give you good advice.

Derailing - stupid autocorrect!

Thanks offred and to the rest of the lovely ladies whove posted on my thread both in here and on Chat. It has helped me get some perspective so thankyou.

Met up with DN. It seems some of the problems are being caused by her stepdad.

Mmmm... so he's the tyrant one who believes in OTT punishments? And your db and his ex go along with it?

the family (DN her brothers and sister and DBs ex and the SD (her husband) are due to go abroad soon.
They did say a few months back that they couldnt afford to pay for DN as well so my parents (DNs GPs paid for her ticket. (i have NO problem with this)
But i strongly suspect that the SD was saying that they couldnt afford it cos he didnt want DN to go (the younger kids are his biological children) and so when her GPs stumped up the cash he couldnt use that excuse anymore.

And apparently it was the SD who threw DNs mobile so it hit the floor before confiscating it.
She says that her Kindle has also been confiscated INDEFINATELY. (birthday pres. from DB.
She is trying to complete her coursework but as its the school hols the other kids are on the computer a lot.
A week and a half after confiscating this stuff they confiscated her MP3 player too apparently as part of the same punishment.