Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 8

[CailinDana]

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

Even a few months ago I thought they'd take my boy away and he was 17 but I was so ill near breakdown that I couldn't think straight as soon as my moods where stabilised I realised how wrong I was.

Amitola so sorry to hear you're having such a tough time. I don't think you're disliked here at all. You and another poster had a disagreement and it got a bit heated. It happens. You are still totally welcome on the thread and we will listen to you.

How are you feeling at the moment?

Hi Amitola, people do like you/believe you. I went through a stage of feeling similar and went to my dr for help. I was seen everyday, I voluntarily took medication, some helpful, some not and was able to find a combination of medications that worked for me and talking therapies which helped me a lot. It took 2/3 years and a lot of pain to stabilse myself but without the medication and gp support I wouldn't be getting better. Social services really supported me aswell and helped/guided me. People do care.

Had a call from local DC she had popped up to see me yesterday on the off chance.She's received my impact statement back all typed up on their official paper so needs signing by me. I asked her if I had annoyed her when I called her and she said I've never annoyed her told her it was bothering me and she has said not to let anything with the case bother me as I can call her anytime. She's coming Monday evening to see me.

Thanks, think i've been a bit delirious today. Was sent an ambulance in the end because my temp was too high. They arranged for antibiotics to be brought to me though rather than going into hospital with both boys.
I just meant in general really. I can barely function so going to bed, will see if I can make more sense tomorrow

Was I was asking yesterday was whether I come across rude or anything. Friends rarely contact me and I never get the same support that other people do from services. I don't need to see my gp, I think I need to work on how I come across. I've been told I seem really confident and strong and that I can do everything by myself, which if thats true would explain why nobody helps me out with anything.
But if I contact them or go along to events everyone is friendly, so maybe its just how people are. I dunno.
I do find people go a bit odd when I say i'm a qualified counsellor, so maybe thats it.
Anyway had too long to think yesterday because I was lying on the sofa feeling like death and sobbing. Flashbacks whilst suffering from a nasty infection is not fun

I'm off to Ireland soon guys so I won't be around much for the week. It would be great if you could keep the thread going while I'm away. I hope you all have as good a week as possible x

Amitola told someone last night about feeling paranoid about annoying others was convinced I'd annoyed DC when I hadn't friend said its a sympton of abuse she used to be the same she's always telling me off for apologising as well no-one likes me saying it they all say I've nothing to be sorry for.

Cailin hope you have a nice time in Ireland x

Ok but only if you bring us back some Have a good time.

Amitola, I had a friend say similar to me, well she spluttered her coffe and said but you're so strong and capable when I said I was struggling

Ime, I do tend to sort things out myself, I just get on and do. Therapy has helped me to learn to start leaning on others but it's a hard slog. I wouldn't take it negatively but rather an insight into the behaviours you have, some strong some weak.

and try to reach a neutral ground. I hope you're feeling better today.

Dotty, I have similar feeling like I've annoyed people, it is similar to ^^ the behaviours I was taking about. Have you done any CBT as that can help to change the thought processes. I now find I can catch myself and stop apologising as much and using it when it is needed. Again it's a hard slog.

That's it Natural I've NEVER needed any one just got on with it sort of a tough cookie at least I was before this spent years fighting for my boy and dealing with so much crap with DH's toxic family. So really thought that this wouldn't affect me DC was shocked when I told her I expected to just walk in walk out and get on with life as normal she just said oh dotty love that never happens. Think its why I crashed so badly as I wasn't expecting myself to react like this not me.

No i'm not better I feel like death :( and i'm going to be very self indulgent and moan. Saw a dr today who said its the worst tonsillitis she has ever seen and she doubled my antibiotics but they won't kick in for at least 48 hours.
I can't keep my temperature down even with very regular paracetamol and because i'm breastfeeding my medication is making little one irritable and have diarrhea. Friends have offered to help out but I can't let them, I feel like i'll be putting on them. I've never felt so ill. I'm really hoping it starts to get better tomorrow because the dr said at this rate I will get an absess behind my tonsils, not be able to swallow and need urgent medical care. Yeah thanks for worrying an already slightly hypochondriac single mother.
Missed my counselling again because I can't talk, would have been a pretty pointless session with my just staring at him o)

Morning all had a mishap yesterday god knows how but wedged a rock under my car, DH got it out was ok about it no damage but I fell apart.
Went out to local pub for dinner and we where just relaxing bit of banter and a bloke who Graham had been talking to had a go just messing but it really got to me can't handle anyone like that.
DH is going to collect his dad and step-mum today for lunch in the same pub bar staff are absolutely lovely.

Morning cba linking but an American Catholic Church Official has been charged with the cover up of abuse and a British private school teacher has been jailed for abusing boys in his care, suspicions had been raised about him before but he was cleared at the time but charged for them when he'd commited more crimes. The boys in the case are vair brave.

As someone said to me if more people came forward it wouldn't be so prolific and more kids would be spared the life sentence it brings

Only if the perpetrators are deemed guilty, that ^^ teacher was investigated after 2 complaints at his first school. He left and went to another school where he commited more serious crimes because he could. It's not fair to put the onus on victims coming forward it's on the rest of society/courts/judges to lock the bastards up. Sorry if I'm grumpy.

Amitola, hope your tonsilitus is starting to feel better, it's the shits I know, take help if it's offered.

I've been bombed by a bird, again, I have this amazing ability to have birds dive down at me or burst out of hedges at me and it's always me. Todays was a crow, now added to 2 birds of prey, a different 2 birds of prey, numerous swallows take includes the ones dive bombing the windows and a pigeon.

Ds says I'm a bird whisperer I'm going to shove him in their path next time

I agree natural, some guilty parties will always be allowed to remain innocent.
There was a teacher at my high school who often abused boys, he did things in front of the class, took them into cupboards. It was many years before he was finally sacked and that was because he was court with a sixth former giving him a blow job in the art supply cupboard. The worst thing is nobody was phased by this news and more stories of what he did came out.
A few of the pe teachers were very inappropriate too.
Thanks, i'm not aching so much today, just wish i didn't have to talk constantly!

That should say caught

Eugh, tonsilitus is awful, I want mine removed but have a tissue disorder which could cause complications, anyway, glad you're a bit better.

It's the same with the church and covering up priest abuse, so many people have suffered, spoken up and just had to watch as the priest has been allowed to carry on.

That's my worry if he doesn't plead guilty that. He'll be found innocent

Hi all
Amitola, so sorry to hear you've been unwell. Tonsilitus is horrible, I'm glad you are a little bit better.

How's everyone else doing?

I've had a rough couple of days, I even called my counsellor yesterday for reassurance, which I'm now completely embarrassed about. He was great thought and it really helped. I've been feeling emotional, like I want to cry but I can't and don't cry over this stuff.
Today though, I went into Church, one I was walking past, it was open, so i went to sit quietly. I was overcome with.. grief I suppose. I cried, I sobbed like I've never done before. This woman sat with me and I took comfort in her presence, and I just let it out. I'm glad I did, I feel a sense of relief, though I think this may just be the beginning.. it's a big step I think?

I hope Cailin is enjoying her holiday.
Are you all better now NN (besides being bombed by birds)

I read that case.. awful. I agree with NN, I don't think it's up to the victims to shoulder that responsibility. I have felt guilt for not reporting, I know there have been more victims, but I can't carry that burden of blame. Nor should any victim.

Reporting it is hell chips I honestly didn't think it would effect someone like me stupid I know never once thought it through just did it was told the first time I saw DC that at any time I could stop and withdraw but I know its to late now feel like a coward for wanting to though.

I kinda reported, but I wasn't encouraged by the Police response, so dropped it right away.
You've done a great thing Dotty, I know it must be hard, but may be it will also be healing for you in the long term.

Hello folks, I'm new on this thread and I need some help pls.

I was abused by my mum for about 12 years sexually, and 15 years in all. It has all left its mark. I've done years of self help and therapy and come a long long way.

But what I am now going through is - I have surrogate parents and they have been great, but I took a new man to meet them and they took the piss out of me to him, telling him stupid things I did when I was young and lodged with them. He doesn't think anything of it, thinks it was just them bonding, but I know them and I think it is deeper. The guy told about how I kept birds and had the window open and one of them eventually flew out of it - he tells that story over and over again and I believe it is to illustrate what a dummy I can sometimes be. She tells the story of how I didn't use to wash the grill pan up, I just used foil to cover it and that was it.

I just look back and remember I lost everything when I lived in their bedroom. I had just got into counselling and bringing it all up was horrendous. I hung out with shit people, had no decent boyfriend, didn't go out much and on and on. Life was just so painful.

Why do they have to make fun of how I was?

My new boyfriend thinks I am being over sensitive. I think he doesn't understand.

Also I used to hang out with people who were themselves also abused, I found we just got each other on a level that other people don't get. My mum used to hold my head under the bath water (cold water baths) and I struggled to get breath to breathe. This was very common. Also the sexual abuse, the last time it happened I just let her do it as I couldn't face her and my sister holding me down any more. That night I feel I was 'rubbed out', like my life just went away. I feel people don't understand things like this. But now I don't have any friends who do understand cos they were all too damaged to hold normal friendships and I have worked hard to get better. And all I have left is people who have never lived thro such things and just don't get it, are not as sensitive as I am to piss taking.

Sometimes I feel I would be better to just live alone for the rest of my life. I am torn between wanting to be healed and then having to grin and bear normal stuff like people taking the piss out of me when I fucked up at a very difficult time of life - or stay at this level where I don't bother getting that close to people.