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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 8

460 replies

CailinDana · 17/07/2012 08:22

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

OP posts:
NaturalNatures · 20/07/2012 21:03

Evening, where is everyone? hope everyone's ok?

Dotty, please do not do anything you don't want to do, please. Your DH sounds brilliant and understanding, can you work out a way to be intimate without being physically intimate, iyswim?

I agree they're sods for the court dating, that's really shite.

Amitolamummy · 20/07/2012 21:21

I agree with NN Dotty. It's lovely your OH is so supportive so take your time.

How are you NN? and everyone else?

My little boy graduated from nursery today. He cried, I cried, his teacher cried. It was all very sad, but i'm so proud of him. He stood there getting his cap and certificate with a huge smile, then performed with all the other children, again with a huge smile. He was right at the front and was clearly enjoying everyone watching him.
He used to be really shy so its so lovely he has come out of his shell more.
Scary how quick they grow up though!

NaturalNatures · 20/07/2012 22:44

Aw, you've got me in tears, it's those special little days when you see how fabulous they are that makes it all worth while I mean that in relation to snot/shit/vomit days and the seemingly never ending summer holidays

I'm nearly recovered from my stomach bug, phew, I've even eaten real food today

How are you doing?

dottyspotty2 · 20/07/2012 23:06

Thanks only just started trying again but its such an emotional rollercoaster ATM with all the stress getting correspondance and phone calls. I know the next 5 weeks are going to be so hard to get through and I am numb again crying for no reason and flitting from normalish to really down/depressed.

dottyspotty2 · 20/07/2012 23:07

Glad your recovering from your bug Natural

Original poster
CailinDana · 21/07/2012 06:16

Hi all, as you can tell DS decided to get up early this morning! In laws are coming around today so DH and I are going to go out for a while, looking forward to it. Hope everyone has a good day :)

OP posts:
dottyspotty2 · 21/07/2012 08:08

Morning Cailin glorious summer day today hope you have a nice time with your DH.

NaturalNatures · 21/07/2012 12:27

It's grey here, same as yesterday and the day before and the day and the rest of the month/most of the year. I'm considering getting a sunlamp because this really can't be healthy.

Have a lovely day everyone.

I'm still not 100% so it'll be docs on monday if it's not gone, grr.

dottyspotty2 · 21/07/2012 15:17

Not so sunny now anyway not cold gone off for a walk feel fecking suffocated not used to not being able to do as I want feel like I'm getting railroaded into doing things that are my idea of hell wanted DH to take DS out today so I could get me time but I was more or less forced to go instead puts to much pressure on me to do what he's sees as normal not for me one thing he keeps saying have to start getting back to normal but what is normal I don't know anymore hate crowded places shopping centres he likes shopping I don't never have he does my fricking head in with it at times. I buy what I need when I need not for the sake of it.

chipsahoynicki · 21/07/2012 18:46

Hey all,

NN, glad to hear you are on the mend
Cailin, I hope you have a good day, my parents are having the DC for a few hours on Monday, can't wait!
Dotty, that's terrible about court dates, so sorry.

I had counselling yesterday and we kinda had a mini breakthrough with regards to guilt about the r. Counsellor was great, he told me how proud he was of me and how he really thinks I'm making a change for the better. I feel good right now, I know I have a long way to go, but I'm going to celebrate any little success along the way.

I hope everyone has a had a good day

dottyspotty2 · 21/07/2012 21:42

Ended up going for a drive really crumbling just now DS is being a bit aggressive with what he's saying as well.

NaturalNatures · 21/07/2012 22:36

Chips, I'm glad councelling is going well for you and I agree to celebrating the little triumphs, it's a slow slog but great when you know you are changing things. Do you feel different in yourself?

Dotty, so sorry you're struggling, can you ask your dp to take some of the strain/understand when you struggle? How are you feeling now?

chipsahoynicki · 22/07/2012 07:28

Dotty, I'm sorry you were having a rough evening, how are you now?
How are you feeling NN?

I do feel different and think that's the cause of the anxiety I've been having. My counsellor thinks it's because I'm so used to thinking of the r and just feeling anger at myself, guilt, self blame that by starting to resolve that, it opens me up to actually feeling what happened. I feel better knowing that the anxiety is a symptom in the course of progress.
I had major anxiety before sleeping last night, but it's eased now.

How's everyone today? Any exciting plans?

Original poster
CailinDana · 22/07/2012 10:45

No exciting plans today Chip, just tidying the house before we head away to visit my parents on Tuesday. Thrilling!

It's a lovely day today so hopefully we'll get out for a few hours, maybe just to the park. Had a really nice time yesterday - PILs took DS for a great day out and DH and I went for a walk and lovely lunch. It was sunny all day yesterday too Shock

Glad to hear your counselling is going so well chips.

OP posts:
dottyspotty2 · 22/07/2012 11:37

Another glorious day today, still a bit down just want to go home and leave them here. As a kid someone just had to say the wrong thing for me to well up I'm back to that without the wrong thing being said now, even DH trying to be helpful sets me off as it sounds like he's telling me what to do. Feel so stupid againSad

NaturalNatures · 22/07/2012 14:16

We had patches of blue sky this morning, it was dark grey clouds with small gaps, then white clouds with small gaps, then blue sky, t'was so pwretty. T'is all grey now Sad

Chips, do you know why you're anxious? I think the deep route of mine is being rejected/alone.

Cailin, glad you had a good day, when you go away just remember "this too will pass", have you spoken to your DH about keeping your stress levels low?

Dotty, just cry if you need too, keep talking, hugs. What are you mainly feeling?

Original poster
CailinDana · 22/07/2012 15:07

Sorry to hear the weather is still so shite in your area NN, it gets so bloody wearing after a while. How are you feeling?

I'm not too worried about visiting my parents to be honest as our relationship is at a point where we're polite and superficially friendly and it works fine. Plus my younger sister will be there and we get on really well so that'll make it a lot easier. I'll probably be quite tired and stressed by the end of the week but it'll go by quickly I'm sure and we'll get plenty of time off to relax as my mother and sister will be keen to look after DS. I'm looking forward to seeing my friends.

OP posts:
dottyspotty2 · 22/07/2012 15:25

Natural just so numb atm we've gone out to Bude tried to go myself but he tagged along moods lifting a bit now though just up and down and weepy.

NaturalNatures · 22/07/2012 15:44

Cailin, I hope it's a lovely time, relax, enjoy and take it easy. I wish I had the same kind of relationship but t'is never going to happen, I at the point though that I know it's not my issue which is good albeit sad. The weather here has been grey from horizon to horizon for weeks, really draining, but sun is forecast for wednesday

Dotty, weird question, do you feel like you're oozing gunk? When I feel like that I don't want to taint other people iyswim?

dottyspotty2 · 22/07/2012 18:04

No nothing like that just as its getting closer to the date of the hearing the harder its getting to cope day to day told DH how he can't understand how I feel and he agrees this time last year I was an angry person but I was happy IYSWIM I'm just so scared never been so scared in my life 41 year old women shouldn't be like this. Told him why I'm scared the thought of speaking to a room full of people about this is horrible especially men I know people have seen my interview and read the file and that was bad enough.

Amitolamummy · 23/07/2012 11:36

can anyone here tell me why nobody likes me? do I come across as a bitch or something? People seem to like me in real life but never bother to contact me, so obviously they don't really.
I've just left a facebook group that i've been in for over a year, because no one gives a shit about me. I had to ask my ex to have the boys because i'm too ill to look after them. After all the fighting i've done to keep them safe, this has devastated me. They seem quite happy with him, not that he would tell me if they weren't. Someone said just be grateful he has them so you can rest. Clearly she thinks i lied then and he is a doting fatherng to be at the moment. I can't take people thinking i'm a liar again. I haven't lied about what he is like and I didn't lie about the abuse. Why won't anyone believe me?
I'm really low today and just want to give up. I'm only staying alive for my sons but i'll probably do them more damage so think its best i go

dottyspotty2 · 23/07/2012 11:51

It's shit Amitola I don't get that but feel I'm always offending people when I'm not so don't get involved with people keep a very small friendship circle in fact most I only have on fb now as lost touch years ago others its a fb group for parents of SN's and they all seem to like each other but the problem is I'm always being told off for apologising they know whats happened and are supportive sad to think more people who I've never met support and believe me than my own family do.

Self esteem issues are common with abuse victims/survivors I'm stuck between modes atm always said I was a survivor but not sure now jumping between both now.

What do you see yourself as?

dottyspotty2 · 23/07/2012 11:53

BTW just a few weeks ago I was in that extremely dark place and I was ready to end it making plans even for once it was over your boys need you no matter what xx

Amitolamummy · 23/07/2012 11:58

I'm stuck as a little girl and have been for nearly too weeks now, so victim at the moment. The last time I had emdr was 2 weeks ago and everything started coming out, all the worst bits that i've blocked out. We ran out of time and then my son was ill last week so I missed my appointment. I wasn't able to get back to normal and the last two weeks have been really hard trying to do everything as usual
I don't feel like I can come back from this now. I just want to die. He is going to get custody of the boys so there won't be anything to live for anyway.
One person messaged me, which was nice and shows someone believes me

I guess i sound like a nutcase now, which I probably am. It feels like they have won. I can't ask for help because they will take my children away but I can't carry on like this

dottyspotty2 · 23/07/2012 12:14

It will never go away but will get easier or so I've been told by my new counseller shes taking it in stages with me starting from the beginning again told me that she has stuff for later on.

Feeling 3 ft tall is how I describe where you are just now can't bring myself to say I feel like a child its to hard to contemplate it often feel like it during counselling sessions awful feeling. Feel the same as wanting it over crying alot just now releases tension but keeps coming not stopping at all.

They won't take your boys away reason I never asked for help with my severe depression was I thought that but that was 21 years ago sounds like you are depressed would talking to your dr help sometimes we need help to get through these tough times I'm on AD's didn't get a choice off my dr she made me go on them.