Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 8

[CailinDana]

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

She intends to have me going every week until trial if it comes to it and beyond in first session she tapped into triggers that caused mine and DD2's relationship to break down badly it was when he reappeared on the scene she just asked the right questions only seen her twice so far they charge from £5-£25 a session my gp recommended her.

Thought my concentration was picking up again but its not back properly used to be ablr to read for hours often read several books a week only managed a few chapters tonight better than a few months ago could only manage a few pages. One of my great loves in life is reading.

Amitola, is your ex paying maintenance? are you claiming everything you can? is there a local centre which offers free/subsidised therapy?

Dotty, yep I have the attention span of a fish, I used to be able to read a lot but know I feel like I have an iq of 2, it is better than it was though. Atm I have lost my imagination so nothing is fun.

Morning all quite nice so far 22 years ago today I married the love of my life he's my best friend and I don't know what I would of done without him these last few months he's kept me upright and pulled me back to reality when needed.

That's lovely dotty. Are you going to do anything to celebrate? It was mine and DH's anniversary recently and the plan is to go out at the weekend when his parents are down.

I got home at about 12:30 last night, not particularly late, but I feel utterly utterly shit today. And DH is due to go out this evening so it's just me and DS till bedtime. Fun.

Aw happy anniversary Dotty. Hope you both have a lovely day.

Good luck staying awake Cailin.

Yes NN, getting maintenance and everything i'm entitled too but trying to save for deposit. Also everything in the house has been breaking over the last few weeks. Nothing to do with me, i'm not trashing things haha o)
I've tried looking into some funding but the general attitude i'm getting is i've had some so thats it. I managed to get free childcare by making a big fuss so am pretty lucky really. The way I see it is i've been let down by so many services over the years, the least they can do is pay for me to get better.

So tired today and in severe pain with my stomach. My little one was awake screaming all night. He wouldn't feed or take anything because his throat is so bad. I feel so useless when they are ill, really can't handle it very well

Aw Dotty, you are so lucky I hope you have a fantastical wonderful day.

Cailin I'd say hair of the dog but you have the wee one, a fry up???

Amitola, the system sucks, I could rant for hours but won't. You could try gingerbread for ideas. Some areas also have subsidised therapies so ask at gp. Hope he feels better soon.

I'm still ill and relegated to bed watching blue people, they are meant to be blue, the colour that is, and they have tails and fly on dinosaur birds! MrC is mad but great

Amitola I was in and out of counselling from 17-24 never once spoke about it and I have been told it will take a lot of time I know of someone who has spent 3 years in counselling so far for the same thing.

I've been thinking about it more and I think the problem is i'm actually upset with my counsellor. I've had so much counselling for my childhood and I know there are still a few bits to sort through, but what i'm struggling with is the things with my ex and he won't let me talk about that.
I know I made a bad choice of partner because of my abuse but that doesn't stop what he has and is doing to my children and I, being a problem. When I get down its because of what my ex is doing, not the abuse.
I'm just fed up of being defined by what happened to me. My ex used it against me and now I can't get any help with what he is doing because of it :(

I've been having counselling on and off for 10 years. Longest was a year and the rest were much less, so spent much of that time telling people what happened.
I just want to be free to get on with my life but everyone brings every little thing back to the abuse.
Really fed up today, i'm so exhausted i can't function but my ex is too busy with his ex wife to look after our eldest

It's hard I'm 41 now so was 16 years between counselling but my 'nice' male CPN who had a go at me for not opening up saw me when DS was 4 first thing he said was we've been here before and told me if I gave him 100% attention instead of what he assumed to be me ignoring him as he was a boy he would be fine, so he blamed me as I was abused.

The trial date if it comes makes me feel really guilty as it's the week of my sister's 50th was dreading it incase it was week of mine [SELFISH]but its going to affect mine for a second year as theres 10 days between our birthdays.

Can't make any plans for next 8 months either so this will be last time we can use caravan this year usually go away October it's the simple things in life I enjoy this time last year ws job hunting as well not in the right place just now.

Amitola, can you ask women's aid for help or rape crisis, people will help you just have to find the right ones and a councellor should be willing to discuss anything with you.

Dotty, it's not selfish at all not wanting it near your birthday. Nows the time to get a steady routine with plenty of grounding things so it's second nature when it comes to trial. Iyswim?

Womens aid told me 'with all due respect we have people whose lives are in danger' Bitch!! I am seeing someone next week but its more for practical support rather than the chance to talk about what he was like. Whenever I tried to tell people they didn't believe me so I bottled it all up. Now I can't talkto anyone because i've always got my boys with me. .

What an awful CPN dotty! Its shocking how many people work in that sort of profession who really dont have a clue. I swear a lot of peopl struggle with mental health problems for longer than they need to because of the idiotic 'professionals' they encounter

Yes he was DX autistic in February because he observed my interaction with him I did everything with my kids took them everywhere tapped into DS's visual learning primary EBD unit brought it up how it showed how much I did as his knowledge was outstanding for the severety of his LD's wasn't a performing monkey though still have trouble doing things whilst being watched quite paranoid of even DH watching me

Dotty, I get paranoid of people watching me, I hate having my photo taken too.

Amitola, I sometimes find I explain things "backwards" iyswim, it stops me from getting help because I don't trust people, it's a fucked up way of protecting myself. I'm not saying you do that just that at times I wasn't getting any help and it was because of my lack of trust, gah, can't explain it. I do agree there are complete tossers in the system though.

Have managed to eat, hopefully I'll get some sleep now.

Amitola, Rape Crisis should be willing to discuss it with you.. or you may have a similar charity in your local town. I had a year's counselling with a small time r and abuse charity when I was 18.
A counsellor should allow you to say whatever you want. Mine reminds me that we need to ensure we don't forget to talk about current issues, but at the same time allows me to vent, rant etc about actually what happened in as much or is as little details as I want. You shouldn't have to only talk about what your counsellor deems acceptable, that seems very unfair.

I hope you are feeling a little better NN and you managed to get some sleep.

How are you feeling now Cailin?

Still tired but a friend came over unexpectedly this morning with his daughter and we had a lovely time so that cheered me up :) I had my first midwife appointment this afternoon, which went fine apart from her having to stab me multiple times before she could get blood. I don't mind having blood taken, thankfully, but it wasn't too nice all the same!

How are you chips?

I know, I think its that he is male and does the whole fix it thing. He can see that the current issues have links to the past, which I can see too, but I would just like someone to appear to care about what my ex did to me.
I'm the person people tell their problems too, but nobody is ever there for me. I guess that is why I get angry and vent online quite a lot. I've tried to say to friends before that I need some support, but they look at me blankly and nothing. I've been told I come across as really strong and confident so people assume i'm fine. I see other friends supporting each other and I really have no idea how to get that. I'm always on the edge of things and it make me feel really lonely. I'm not dealing with any of this in my counselling. I guess I should buy a book on it or something, not that I ever have time to read.

Amitola, that's how I feel all the time and what I was confusingly trying to explain, it's like there's a physical wall between me and other people. It has lessened a bit recently so something is working.

Cailin, aw I'm so glad for you, not the annoying needles but the baby, and congratulations on your wedding aniversary too.

Chips, thankyou, I got distracted by a gardener though. How are you doing now?

Glad you had a nice day Cailin and your first midwife appointment went ok.
Amitola.. can you tell your counsellor what you want to talk about, perhaps go in with the definite points of things you want to discuss, he really should be following your lead.

I'm doing ok, couselling tomorrow, he's off for a week after this week, so don't want to get into anything too upsetting. I'm nervous all the same though.

Time for a curry and a glass of cider to cheer me up!

real food

Yes I do tell him but we're doing emdr so have to spend the time working on memories and things. I'm beginning to think this is how it will always be so i might as well stop complaining. I guess I just want somewhere or someone to talk to about things but i'll always be on my own.
It's hard isn't in NN. I was starting to feel part of things again but recently i've taken a step back and realised nobody gives a crap about me

EMDR works in a different way to councelling doesn't it? I haven't had it so don't know but it's supposed to be really good and I'm quite

It is difficult but it can change, I don't know how to explain it properly. A lot of my life has been spent feeling like no one cared and no one supported me, that's because the people I leant on were abusive shits. Now I'm learning boundries and to love myself I'm finding that the people around me are more supportive. Takes a while though. You have here.

Had a lovely day out been spoilt by DH he got be beautiful flowers then we went to a posh hotel for dinner told him don'y know how he's put up with me and his answer was why wouldn't he. He told the waiter it was our 22nd anniversary he was gobsmacked says not many marriages last that long nowadays.

Had phonecall off my sister this morning she's had same letter as me and had to send birth certificate off as well, told her it's like i've ruined another years birthday for my sister and myself if it goes to trial but she says its not my fault and thinks their being bloody insensitive as they have all our birth dates still feel responsible though was wee bit upset on phone.

Still struggling with 'things' with DH as well he couldn't be more understanding tried again last night and just touching is hard he made me stop been making myself recently but he noticed how upset I was hate it.