Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 8

[CailinDana]

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

A bit numb had a very subdued counseling session tonight but she has given me some good tips on coping with the taking off.

How are you doing dotty?

Ok lots to do to keep me occupied thats the main thing, feel calmer than I have in ages x

I'm glad. I hope your day goes well x

Wasn't as good a day as I'd hoped think the euphoria or whatever wore off don't know why I felt so good as it will be hard over the next 9 weeks its no time at all. Smashed half my slabs though that felt good needed to get rid of some anger in a safe way x

How are you today dotty?

Not bad keeping busy as I can but feel tired easily quite bizarre really went right through house yesterday only took hour and half then took one load of rubble to tip so 14 bags came back had lunch then woke up at 2.30 when my cousin phoned he's at my mums wants to know if I want a day out just the 2 of us but not sure just now be nice to see him though.

Also need to arrange a court visit but don't know when yet before I know it date will be here 2 months yesterday

How are you feeling about the whole thing?

Weirded out a bit going from thinking best thing I've ever done to what the hell have I done by doing this so many repercusions from the whole sorry mess. The thought of a whole room full of people seeing what happened to me is horrific plus it will be open court as well. Never spoken to man about this in my life apart from DH scares the shit out of me counseller says she'll help me prepare over next few weeks says doesn't matter how I get through the court case as long as I do so she mentioned that I could be fine,emotional, detached or even doped to the eyeballs.

I can understand how you feel, I think I would feel the same. Although I think a small part of me would feel positive about the opportunity to say openly, in a safe situation, what happened as I think I would find it quite validating and liberating in a way. We hold these things in for so long that being pushed into bringing it all out in the open seems a good thing in a strange sort of way.

Wont need to testify as such [I hope] Cailin my interview is my testimony atm there are other things I've remembered since then though not sure where I stand on that I now know that he made me touch him and he did same to me although not to what extent as tried to stop flashbacks coming because they where to painful. Will likely be questioned though can quite imagine he will have a male lawyer and that the judge will be male as well that scares the crap out of me never spoken to a man about it before not in this detail.

Phoned L the DC this morning to ask about when I needed to call witness services to arrange visit to court, told me it was to fit around me no-one else was worried about doing it at wrong time. Says the sooner the better as it will put my mind at rest and if I have questions will be able to get some answers.

How's it going dotty?

Not bad busy week this week been and picked my best friend up from airport told her its going all the way shes going to come over in a week or 2, got court visit on Wednesday afternoon so means leaving at about 8am meeting DC and were going through on train be good to see her again not seen her since early January.

How you doing now has the sickness gone yet.

Yeah the sickness is entirely gone thank god. I have a bit of heartburn but nothing serious yet. It was horrendous for the last few weeks with DS so I'm expecting it to go that way this time too. Just enjoying the few weeks of feeling ok before I start to get properly hefty and tired :)

How are you feeling about the court visit?

Ok was a bit nervous about organising it so phoned DC and asked her about what was best and she told me ASAP so it could my mind at rest and offered to come with me. Phoned and organised it then phoned her back and came off phone shaking like a leaf, she says we can get a coffee and catch up before we go. Wont really know how I really feel until I get there though but its another step closer to it all.

I hope it's okay to just jump in and post a little here, I can't sleep and need to get something out of my head.

I've never mentioned my abuser to DD at all. It was a family member and until yesterday as far as DD was concerned they didn't exist. But we went to see my DM yesterday, and suddenly half way through it was like he was all she could talk about. She painted him as a total hero, and DD spent the evening asking me more questions about him. I had no idea what to tell her. I tried to answer as benignly as possible and eventually she got distracted. I had no idea it would affect me so much, I've had no sleep.

Does your DM know about what happened Spotty?

I don't know how old your DD is Spotty but both my girls where told about me being abused at 14 [nearly 15]. So called brother came back in to my life [sort of] 6 years ago when dad became ill and died, he tried to worm his way into DD2's affections by being really nice to her fortunately I was there and called her over she was 10 at the time. We just recently talked about the incidents and she said to me that he gave her the creeps even back then she didn't know who he was at the time it used to really piss me off when my parents mentioned uncle R as he wasn't their uncle as far as I'm concerned.

My DM does know, but prefers to try and act like it all never happened. This is the first time she's ever brought him up and talked about him, I don't know if she did it on purpose or she's just managed to convince herself she's forgotten it.

My DD is 8, so it's difficult to find a way to explain to her. When DH got back from work last night he suggested just gently explaining that my abuser was mean to me, without any specific examples and saying I don't want to talk about him because of that. But I'm worried that would just lead to more questions.

Bumped into my old rape crisis counseller this morning asked how everything was going so told her says I look much better now not ill or drawn, mentioned this to DH said I wasn't that bad was I and he said yes you where.

Also had a haircut had lovely talk with my hairdresser/friend found out her partner died when they where on holiday 7 weeks ago didn't know what to say as never been in that situation, she's often waited for place to empty and told me personal things were the same age and have been friends for years feel so bad for her, think things aren't so bad for me.

Considering that your mum knows about what happened Spotty, what she did was at best (if a genuine lapse in sense) incredibly insensitive and at worst deliberately cruel and manipulative. How is your relationship with her generally? Would you be able to talk to her about this, and advise her not to mention him any more?

As for your DD the best thing you can do for her is to keep her away from your mother until you are sure your mother won't continue singing the praises of an abuser to her. In my book, any person who supports an abuser, especially an abuser who targeted their own child, isn't right in the head and needs to be kept away from children. Sorry if that sounds harsh but in my book a person who knowingly supports an abuser, especially in front of impressionable children and the victim of the abuser, is an abuser themselves.

Your poor friend dotty, that's really sad. Try not to compare your hardships though. What happened to her is terribly sad, it's true, but it doesn't make what you're going through any less significant.

How are you doing at the moment?

Cailin she was also abused aged 12 by her uncle [mothers BIL] she can't be in same house with her alone as she told her never to mention it ever again her mother was more worried about her cozy nights out with her sister.

She told me off months ago for comparing our experiences said hers was nothing compared to mine as it was half a dozen times, to me it shouldn't matter abuse is abuse.

Doing not bad just back from a really mixed counselling session really starting to open up and work through things properly with her.

That's really good news about starting to open up. Despite the hearing not going the way you wanted I'm seeing a lot of positivity and strength in your posts. Do you think you're feeling some more strength at the moment?