Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 7

[CailinDana]

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

no, I don't think it would. One of the hard things is that she is exceptionally insightful and intuitive. It makes you feel like you are completely exposed. She uses a combination of snooping, guessing, probing, fishing and confidence to find things out as well. She would know in a nano second that I was avoiding her. I find that really hard to reconcile with the idea that she didn't know what was happening to me. I think she doesn't believe it was bad, that she thinks it was something to do with me.

Whydo :(

Offred, yes, I have to keep a lid on the anger, otherwise it takes over everything and leaves me unable to function, I found hatred to be all consuming, I had to let it go because it crippled me.

I read a quote somewhere, that loves isn't the opposite side of the coin to hate, because hate is more powerful and destroys all it touches.

It really hit a chord with me, and made me realise, my love for my children, my husband, that had to find a space inside me again.

Hope that isnt to gushy and it makes some sense.

It makes sense whydo.

I find love to be more consuming than hate. I have a hard time hating anybody or anything even when I should. I feel sad and angry often but can't translate that into hate. I find it frightening and difficult to deal with when I have negative feelings about other people. Even when they are deserved. I don't know why. Have the opposite problem where my feelings about myself are concerned though. I feel negatively automatically and have to work hard on feeling good about myself. Although now I do feel quite good about who I am.

to not have a rational balance, whichever side is overkill, I think is really negative I suppose

Probably, at least loving someone (usually) isn't damaging and destructive.

I think we are always hardest on ourselves, our own biggest critics.

It really has been for me whydo. :(

I think that's why I'm worrying about my mum because I know I can't be trusted over it.

Offred, trusted in what way?

Whydo, :( hugs

I just need acknowledgement from someone that I'm not bad/wrong, most people just leave me alone but my mother doesn't. It's all about her and what benefit having me around does for her and if it doesn't benefit her she doesn't care. I go from so much anger to just hating myself for not being good enough.

to make the right/best decision over this olympic.

Whydo, my stepfather was a violent alcoholic, she sent my 2 siblings away to school but kept me at home so I hold her responsible, wether right or wrong.

Offred, could I give you my opinion, I expect you to disagree with it but it might/might not help???

Actually a better way to phrase it is:

Why do you feel responsible for her?

Olympic I dont thing DC is wrong to blame me.so much as I couldn't have known. I do feel to blame because I missed things - there are a million what if this and what if that's.

It really hard to explain. dc has a right to their own feelings.

If I can think of a better way to explain later I will..

Go on Olympic.

I feel responsible for her because she is making me responsible for her I suppose. She has said many times me and the children are what got her through the worst time of illness. She is specifically planning to be a mother and granny with her extra work free time and because of how I feel (nervous and upset) about not helping people in need I feel really duty bound to provide what she thinks she needs. She sees her work as very important in the scheme of things and looks on it as though she has sacrificed her relationships in order to do it (although she doesn't understand how that had affected us) and that it will at least be something if she can be a proper mum and granny if she is forced to calm down her work.

Oh whydo I have no words

And to be fair I have completely shut her out of my feelings and inner experiences for about 15 years, only letting her in when she hounds. We have spent a lot of time together without her really knowing much about me.

Whydo, you were as much a victim as dc, kind of like a bystander in a car crash iyswim, you were there but not in control of things. The abuser was the one with control and power and you are all affected by the fallout.

Offred, you don't owe her anything, she doesn't respect you, your feelings or your boundries. She has no automatic right to be involved with you/your dc. You are the controller of your life, you can share that with who you choose, you have no obligation to carry anyone.

And she gave up her rights to be a mother to you when she disregarded you as another human being.

Blood is not always thicker than water.

I may be projecting though.

I have only come to see that in the last few weeks and am still getting used to it as an idea (although have given this advice to others before). I don't know how I feel about it but I know I am going to fall into a pattern of giving in to her demands while I'm thinking about it, purely because I can't do battle with her. She is too unpredictable and too much of a headfuck/guilt trip.

I do, in my heart, believe that when I was a child she was not really interested in me or who I was but only in who she could make me into. I also know she did not intend to be like that and would be extremely shocked and upset to hear I think that. However she is well known for rewriting of history.

Right now although I feel like I am empowered by the realisation I am not a bad person after all, I feel like I'm grieving for the person and the childhood I thought I'd had because she thought that's what she'd given me.

She speaks with glee about how she "wouldn't let us" say anything other than "mamma" as our first words... That creeps me out.

And it is creepy, objectively speaking it is creepy to be so self obsessed that you squash your child's own personality in order to bend it to your own self-obsession.

Lots of these realisations are too scary. They undermine almost everything I thought I knew.

Sorry if that is dramatic, I'm having a bad day. Everything feels pinned on this tattoo. Like if I get it it will help my brain but I don't know why.

I've been through the same emotions with my mother.

It's not dramatic.