Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 7

[CailinDana]

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

It's never ending is it?

Sometimes think humanity has died.

Cailin, I basically had the same attitude from my family, put up and shut up.

In other news, ds has fixed the computer, it's handy having a socially phobic mother sometimes as it means I can teach him how to fix stuff that would otherwise go to the repair shop. It's only taken him 2 days :) I left him to it as I couldn't figure it out

Hi all. My parents do not take responsibility for anything. As far as they are concerned they are the pinnacle of parenting.

Same with mine Offred everyone else was critisised they didn't care if they were heard either they actually thought they where the parents of the grandchildren my sisters and I quickly told them otherwise but brother let them treat his youngest like shite for first 5 years of her life my sister actually told him at my uncles funeral last september that the only thing wrong with her was that she lived her first 5 years in fear didn't go down well she also told him to keep the girls away from IT as he was dangerous around children and yet I'm as good as dead for taking action as far as he's concerned then I've never mattered to anyone.

Offred, some people think they never do wrong, don't they,

Dotty, I know what you're talking about, I never feel less than something nasty my family has stepped in when I'm around them.

Just got through a social situation, hardwork, had 1 panic but I did it and left people wondering about me rather than thinking I'm an idiot/weirdo I hope

My family didn't help as much as they should have done, I feel they failed me.

Can I have some reassurance? I'm feeling embarrassed. In just my second session of counselling I just splurged loads out, loads of it, no details, but way more than I expected to say. It was like it's all been there for years waiting to come out and he asked and I just couldn't stop. I now feel really embarrassed, especially as he had to stop me to end the session. I'm considering not going back. Why did I do it?

Chips, sounds pretty normal and that you're comfortable with the councelling situation.

I hope you go back, sometimes once you start letting out all the bottled up stuff it feels like you'll never stop. Journalling is good as you can go back over it and pick out areas you need help with, especially good in time limited sessions.

Hope you're ok.

Thanks

I was just feeling a bit silly. But he's been working in therapy for years, I doubt he minded. Next week, I intend to tell him I felt embarrassed.

I'm ok, are you? I'm sorry your family treated and continue to treat you badly.
Mine have brushed it under the carpet. I was told to "forget and move on" they mean well, at least.

I did/do the same in my therapy sessions and on good days have the therapist literally shoving me out the door :o they have definately seen it all before and are probably glad you're relaxed enough to confide in them.

How do you feel about you're families reaction? Mine reacted badly to my mh issues when I needed their support most but I think I was expecting too much, don't know.

Means your really ready I opened up on my first session but then I'd held it in for over 30 years overran on a few sessions.

Me too Dotty, I over ran too.. but it's been inside for years and he did ask!

I'm disappointed in my parents because they were so disappointed in me. It was seen as my rebellious phase.. I was a rebel for a reason. I'm very angry with my mum particularly. After I was raped at 17, they found out by reading my diary, my mum told me I shouldn't have worn that dress. She's not mean, mostly ignorant, she believes it's the woman's responsibility to not get into a bad situation. She seems to think men don't have any self control.

We get on ok, but she angers me easily. I adore my dad, but our relationship has never healed

Morning all!

Morning

Chips, love the "well he did ask" :o

A coach/youth worker in America is looking at life imprisonment after being arrested for child sex abuse.

Chips - my parents also used to read my diary but I never wrote anything in it that was secret. They told me I was bad when I went wrong, hounded me about what I was "contributing" and said the others had to be protected from me. Even now they still occasionally lecture me about how they don't believe I have "taken responsibility", it was hugely damaging. Talking things out on this thread has really helped me get perspective. A lot of what I'm doing now is tied up with thinking that I have to make up for "what I've done" I've only just realised that actually I was sad not mad or bad and even objectively speaking I didn't actually DO anything that bad also that I shouldn't be taking responsibility for a lot of things.

The difficulty is my mum particularly believes a lot of rape myths, thinks the abuse I suffered from xp was my choice because I was with him and had helped me minimise in my mind the sexual assaults I was suffering at age 11/12 on as unimportant (I'm unsure if she knew about them but the school may have told her) which only meant the feelings resurfaced very traumatically recently when my DH's friend was talking about being sexually assaulted in a minimising way.

Now I'm so angry with them and I'm struggling to work out what to do because my mum is ill and planning to cut down her working hours so she can spend more time with me and my children.

Morning overslept a bit off to Blackpool today DD2 has a concert there tomorrow all afternoon its on openair as well think I'm getting past the missing my mum stage atm don't how long it will last though I do know I can never forgive her for all the hurt I've suffered by her and dads actions on top of IT abusing me.

Hi everyone, sorry to have disappeared was getting overwhelmed, I have been having terrible dreams these last few days.

All your/our stories are so sad, every single one, utterly hearbreaking.

DC seems happier a little and had some friends over for a couple of hours, which was lovely, I hate so much to see DC home all the time, alone most of the time, missing out on more years when DC should be carefree and enjoying the last years of childhood.

There are lots of people who think DC is lying, no-one who knows us but people who know abuser, wife and family for a start, they would prefer to think a child would lie about this. Makes me sick to my stomach, but hopefully the truth will out.

Dotty, your poor, poor DH.

Olympic Clever DS.

Offred, I think you just have to say no, I find people overwhelming, and tbh, I see people on my own terms or not at all. If you cant accept that now then you have no place in my life.

I started to read the suicide note, I couldn't get through the first paragraph :(.

Chips very sorry about your mothers comments about your dress - there is no truth in her views, but then you know that.

I did get some reassurance from therapist, about boundaries for DC, she says child survivors and adult survivors have different needs, that children need boundaries and guidance, and those boundaries for a child provide safety.

Gentle boundaries and lots of understanding, but she says understand behaviour doesn't mean it has to be treated as acceptable. I find that reassuring, in dealing with swearing at me etc.

She also explained about DC blaming me, and no-one else.

I do like her, a lot.

A good therapist is hard to find why I'm loathe. To go find more therapy but just struggle on through the bad times.

Offred, I'm so sorry, my mum is similar, believes in many rape myths, it's very damaging to be raised that way and told it time again, it's hard to undo that. How do you feel about her spending more time with you? You really don't have to see her any more than you want to, but I know that's easier said than done.

Whydo, :( what did the therapist say about blame?

In the gentlest way possible, your dc's childhood is over, all survivors need boundries and accepting the abusers friends/family would rather blame you than admit to knowing a monster is tough.

I'm struggling too much with my mother atm and will not be safe to see her so going to speak to psych about it in the hope she/someone can step in and deal with her as I can't control my anger towards her.

Have to agree DD2's best friend went through it at 13 and she's 17 now and she has little confidence speaks quietly often stumbling over words one of her recent fb status's was so obviously directed at her abuser poor kid I see her and her sister like my girls her mum sees DD2 the same her abuser never even got jailed but on the offenders register just after a trial that she wanted.

I don't know. She's ill. She loves her work so much and giving it up, even just a part of it, is really hard for her. I feel like I need to be strong enough to be compassionate and supportive to her and maybe defer my feelings for her benefit. There is nothing to be achieved by arguing about it, she and I are very confirmed in our differing views on these issues. The thing I'm most upset about from my childhood is the lack of support and demonstrative love. I don't want to give her that pain in her old age and during her difficult time. I know it would if I distanced myself, I have already refused to go round for sunday dinner because my dad is volatile and unreasonable and unpredictably subjects all of us to shouting about random things beyond our control, she understands why I don't want to come anymore even if she doesn't really see why it is such a problem to me, but she is really sad about it. Seeing me and the children really helped her through the worst part of her illness, we visited everyday. I think I can handle my mum by herself but I may have to invite her to my home, which would be better for me and the children or do a once every other week thing.

Therapist says its because I am the one constant in DCs life, DC has always been with me, that DC may blame others at different points, but mum will be the main focus. Therapist says DC may always blame me to a degree.

It is hard to live with, but then, what can I do. If I had a magic carpet and could go back in time, obviously I would do things differently with the knowledge I have now, but based on what I knew at the time, I know, there was nothing different I could have done.

Abuser was very, very, very clever. There was a huge period of change in our lives and a lot was masked by this, I think it was Olympic or Chips who said her parents saw her as rebellious, I saw a lot of changes in DC, but I just thought DC was growing up, getting older, changing. Not for a nano second did abuse cross my mind, hand on heart, I can tell myself, not even once.

Therapist also said that I may have to disclose some of my own past, so that DC understands why I missed some things. Not now, but potentially in the future.

Offred, I had issues with exh mum, in order for her to spend time with DC and feel "useful", she used to take DC to an activity, I used to drop and collect, and she would stay and watch, I would effuse about how wonderful it was that I could go and shop etc, would something like that work?

YY to DCs childhood being over, it was over before it even started.

It makes me so ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That all the time I, my family, exh, DH, were working to give DC a wonderful,special childhood (and DC did have fantastic opportunities), it was being destroyed by a monster. When I think of it, I could tear the house apart with my bare hands.

How could someone, come into our lives, and destroy the life of a perfect, innocent, child who was loved, cherished and adored.

I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE so much, what they have done to my beautiful, beautiful DC.