Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 7

[CailinDana]

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

hi again everyone, it's me, the one with the narc mother who was fond of the bamboo stick, am name changing lots atm

Offred - thank you for writing about your mother, as it really explains all the jumble in my head, as she sounds so similar to mine. In fact, she tried to get my DSs first word to be grandma, except she hates them calling her gran anything, and insists on a variation of her name instead.

everything youhave said points to a narcissist mother - it is hard to handle

boundaries set up will help, so you feel in control of visits etc if she is insisting on seeing your DCs, tell her ok, why not book in one afternoon each week at your house, without your father coming with her. During that time, is there somewhere public to go with DCs so she is not so much in your headspace?

i'm still avoiding the phone ringing. I just have nothing to say to her. Nothing.

plus, she seems to be manipulating your life to the same extent as mine, where you end up feeling responsible for her happiness, as I do, and do things not because they make you happy, or suit your plans but because you said you feel 'duty bound' as if you dont comply, the guilt will set in

i am trying hard to find a way round these attacks of guilt too

if I can interrupt and update you on her recent behaviour,

my closet gay younger brother,( who has come out to his sisters but not his mother) is often talking on the phone to mother, she seems to rely on him like her father figure, or worse, her husband. it is really bizarre.
Anyhow, he had a big argument to my older sister yesterday on the phone, and lots of it revealed that mother has been slagging off my sister to him, to get him wound up about my sister, so the sibling bond will break

that is how she gets her kicks, but upsetting her kids and trying to pit them against each other

i am trying to stay out of it, but my sister is very upset at what was said

Mother boundries are difficult, I feel like I put up a nice dainty pick fence, she walked through it. I put up a hedge, ignored again, a low brick Wall blah blah blah. So I'm onto a nuclear bunker with armed guards.

love that metaphor Olympic

i'm pulling up my drawbridge so she falls in the moat of sharks

Just checking in at mccy d's at Carlilse on way to Blackpool with the girls. Their seeing the wanted and Mcfly tomorrow.

Will read properly later.

Hi dotty, sounds like a good weekend, hope you have nice time with the girls

Feel glad what I am saying is helping other people. I do feel like I am quite good at handling my mother. I do assert myself over the important things but I am normally guided by what I think I should be doing.Not sure whether this is a good idea. I also really don't want to just abandon her during her old age and dependence. :(

offred, would you be the sole person she would depend on in her old age? or are there any other family who would take on such a role?

I have 2 siblings, amd they are both childless, so I am pushing the caring responsibilities their way, as I have lots on my plate with my immediate family and their needs

already mother is hinting at her old age, I dont engage with that topic of conversation, tellijg her isnt she lucky she had 2 other kids to help her out when that time comes

Hi guys. It's been a mad 24 hours. Was chatting to Dh about things went to bed, started getting busy then had a really vivid flashback so had to stop. That hasn't happened for a long time. Then my mother tested with a cryptic message saying my father was in hospital. No info about why. Bloody bitch. Anyway finally gleaned that he's fine just having tests.

Been out all day. At soft play at the moment Dh is playing with ds.

My mother is absolutely lovely - but I find her totally overwhelming. She wants to help but she doesn't know what to do - so she takes over - which is lovely and kind and I sound really ungrateful - but I like to feel "in charge" of my family and often I don't.

I don't say anything because a) she is doing out of love and b) she hurts so much too. She loves dc almost as much as I do.

I reckon the parent child relationship - even under normal circumstances is complex.

And of course my mum suffers for the same reasons I do - I want to "fix" everything for my family, she wants to "fix" everything for me.

realistically I am the only one who can help her just now, she's only 58 but has a non-life threatening (atm) but incapacitating heart condition. I'm the only one with DCs, the child next down from me helps but is a junior psychiatrist and under extreme pressure at work, the next one is hundreds of miles away and my brother is only 21 and very immature, emotionally and psychologically insecure and although he is willing I find him hard to deal with (he is extremely critical of me). My mum is only just tackling her relationship with her own mother who has recently cut out my aunty for leaving a very cold and unhappy marriage for someone else. There's a lot going on in my family, my dad has heart disease and is worse than normal (emotionally and temper wise), my brother is planning an extremely ill-advised marriage next year...

whydo - I've never felt my mother wanted to fix anything. She only ever wanted to know. If she did find out she often punished me. She has supported me with my children but everything else she has only judged and found me lacking and sometimes this has extended to how I parent as well, most difficultly when she was interfering between me and xp to try and sneak my children to see him.

I do feel ridiculous writing all this stuff as a grown woman though. And there have been times, many of them where she has been a real support, like when the children have been ill or hurt or when I've been ill and she has helped me get proper medical attention and sometimes diagnosed things they've missed.

Have had a big project to finish, had computer problems, but now finished, done dusted, over ran the deadline but hopefully now I'm off the ad's I can keep on top of the next one, phew.

Offred, Why, my mother has never helped me, in any way, I don't even know why she bothers.

Dotty, hope you enjoy it.

Cailin, what a cow, hope you enjoy playtime.

We are quite rained on atm, am out in it :o

Hi guys I'm not going to concert DD2 and her friend are I'm going to see my sister about an hour away for a couple of hours be able to catch up I have no-one at home and probably one of the reasons I crash so badly.

Ditto Dotty.

Sorry for phewing my project, just a year ago I couldn't have done it, could barely get out of bed, now I can function ok about half the time, still have a lot of practicle crap to sort out though.

Why are you sorry Olympic?

I was smugly proud of myself for achieving a bloody fantastic project but only the clients seen it atm, d'oh.

I have achieved one thing this month and I'm happy with that, I'll just ignore the stuff I haven't achieved for the moment :o

Don't be emdarrassed about it. Its an achievement to be proud of only reasoon your not is self esteem is destroyed by our childhoods.

Yes, be proud! Don't feel bad!

Hi all :) does anyone have recommendations for good books or sites on dealing with emotional manipulators? Having a look an amazon just now but so many to choose from!

I've heard people talking about some Lundy Bancroft book often but I don't have anything to offer in that front i'm afraid!!!