Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 7

[CailinDana]

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

SP, I was in a relationship with an older man too at 14-15, i'm so sorry it happened to you too. Don't feel a fraud, you were abused, you have every right to hurt over it.

NN, sending virtual hugs, I hope the visit passes quickly. Are you able to do some grounding now?

Ds did his business plan and stuff yesterday so he's going to sort an afternoon out now, just not coping. Thankyou for the hugs.

(((hugs))) I am mainly lurking not talk but am around.

Hi, may I just be here a while as I am in a mess?

I have suffered abuse, emotional and sexual, bullying, control and have been assaulted.
Much of this as a child.

Last weekend, my Father said something and referred to something that floored me, but I picked myself up and although shaken used all the tools I have learned to get on with things, to function, which then helps me get my head back together.

This weekend, due to an impending family wedding, a family member phoned me. He facilitated a serious sexual assault when I was 8, and a series of other incidents, involving other, much older lads. In his conversation, he referred to being at a school event and coming across the 6th form girls in their teeny short skirts and saying that he was a 'dirty Mac wearer at heart'.
He has in the past expressed his enthusiasm at looking forward to his girls being teenagers and having the house full of pyjama clad girls.

I am having flash backs and violent horrifying nightmares. I am struggling internally and want to run away.
I am sorry, I don't have time to catch up on other people's stories and feel dreadful at just crashing in, but have nowhere to turn, as although I have good friends, in RL and on MN, don't always feel they are the right times and places to talk about stuff.

I feel sick and angry and everything has just bubbled to the surface again. And I am tired of it.
I'm sorry I just want to lay down and sleep for a very long time and wake up with all the things in my head gone. I don't feel I can do this anymore.

I won't be on line again for a few hours.

Need to shake my tail get shower and out walking to town with DS pay bills putting DD1's money in bank for her she's away to Ibiza now

Mitz your welcome we don't all always have bad times we have some good laughs as well but support each other through the rough dark times. Have you thought of reporting him? xx

I don't know what to do Dotty.
I have spoken to my Counsellor and she has spoken to her superior and SS.
The thought of him perpetuating things makes me physically sick. And I know I am not the one in the wrong, but everything coming out into the open would turn a lot of lives upside down, and the thought of my action triggering that actually makes me wish I wasn't here.
I don't believe he is acting out his thoughts.

That makes me feel like shit. Truly. Guilty and ashamed. For putting my own fears and thoughts as a priority.
I really have been through so much that I am exhausted internally.

Is that normal? I just think it's another sign of me being at fault.

Yes it is normal I went through 8 years of rape from the age of 4 and am 9 months down the line of reporting thr bastard so called brother aka IT it is really awful the darkness closing in is awful wanting it over I'm on way to town now but will be back on later if you want to talk xx

Offred, hope you're ok, hugs back for everyone.

Mittz, feeling exhausted and wanting to sleep til it's all over is normal, very, very normal. It's up too you what decisions you make in regards to him, you've done a lot already. If he made jokes like that too me I'd be calling him a disgusting pedophile to his face but I don't know the rl dynamics of the situation.

Could you speak to rape crisis, apologies if you have, they might give you some better practicle advise.

I'm a lot better, we went for a hike and saw two glorious huge eagle type birds fly out of a hedge.

I've only just got back from town first time I've walked anywhere since just before christmas was ok but don't know if I can do it myself was a bit jumpy, spent a good half hour looker for stationers it had moved but then closed asked next door said was after photocopier directed me to a little PO so thats my birth certificate ready to go to DC for court file now.I noticed DS walks over on his feet thought he'd outgrown it years ago anotherb thing to see dr about and feel guilty about probably why he complains of pain. Off to make dinner and tidy house always come to life around now

Seems I've got a busy schedule this week so much for chilling before going away Tuesday counselling and meal out with DH as usual.
Wednesday DS has dentist.
Thursday shopping with DD2 promised her a couple of weeks ago plus I need a coat only have a waterproof that fits now.
Friday making DS's 18th cake to take away.
Saturday away to Dartmoor 5 am [ish ]
will need to use my time wisely to keep up with housework and do jobs still on my list to finish.

Sounds like a lot to do Dotty, hopw your ds's ankles get sorted, that would be painful.

Hope everyone else is ok?

We've got flood warnings here so I'm getting the dinghy out.

Ahhhh I've just been triggered by a seemingly innocent fb joke. The person who posted it also annoyed me yesterday with a very blunt comment.
It feels like it was directed at me, but I think i'm just being paranoid. I hope I am.
I think i've reached overload again :( Too much to deal with, both in the past and present.

Delete them I was incensed the other week when someone sent their 17 year old daughter an expicit cartoon joke was like wtf.

I can't even look at them just now only just trying to get an intimate relationship back with DH extremely hard for me but I must try.

Have a few days of chilling out wish I could.

morning everyone. I've looked up the birds we saw yesterday and they were a pair of breeding golden eagles, beautiful. Hope everyones ok?

Wow we have birds in the tweed valley they have viewing platforms with camera links but only staff know where the birds are.

Intended to get up early today and do everything didn't get up until 10 though so mornings gone almost bugger.

I don't know where they're nesting, they were erm having lunch on the road when we walked along. They were huge. The RSPB don't tell anyone where birds of prey nest there's too many who'd raid the nest or kill them :( We have harriers nesting on a local farm, I'll nearly been scalped for walking in their territory so knew from size and shape the ones yesterday weren't small. I got a couple of blurry photo's, happened too quickly, so checked the rspb guide.

My mother has landed though :(

Good luck might be around later, depends how counselling goes got it in an hour.

Morning. Have just been told my close friend (children known each other all their lives) is moving hundreds of miles away to Suffolk on 22nd :( so sad. They haven't told their girls yet so I can't tell my children who will be really upset :(

Dotty, hope it goes ok, hugs.

Offred, :( hugs I don't know what to say.

Went not bad was a bit upsetting but I need this more than anything as I said to her if it keeps me going and stops the darkness it will all help at least thats all I want at the moment then take it further when I'm ready.

So sorry to hear that Offred

That's all you can do atm Dotty, during my darkest time I just had to hold on for the next hour, then the next. It's hard, you/everyone going through this can do it.

How's everyone. I had a little chuckle this afternoon thinking I've actually been "jumped" out at from behind a hedge by birds of prey more times than by a rapist notes brain has melted

My new neighbour is moving in and she's lovely and into motorsport, sighs