Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 5

[CailinDana]

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

Partly, how do you think a "safe" person would react to hearing that?

What are the possible consequences to you, your dh or your dc because of her reaction?

For your father, would you like to tell him? what would be a "safe" response from him? what kind of response would be a deal breaker in relation to the consequences of his reaction?

These should help you to build firm boundries you are strong enough to keep in place, rather than allowing blurring of boundries because their your parents.

I would have expected a parent to react with shock and upset at the least.

If it's easier, how would you react if your ds told you it happened to him?

Thank you and sorry again for losing it last night. I'm doing a bit better tonight.
Hope you have a great weekend Belle. Only 2 squidlets, I probably worded that wrong! Sometimes it feels like more, but it is much easier than having a useless ex and his 2 older children part time. At least now i'm just slave to those who need a slave :o

Cailin, my mother has convinced herself that I made up the abuse to punish her for being a bad mother. She never could see past herself and realise I was actually a person. It was all about her so I have no idea why I thought she would care about me being abused. I'm trying really hard to sit on my fingers now, lots of similarities but I don't want to suggest my stuff is the same as yours.

I do want to say one thing though and that is that if any of us had genuinely loving caring parents, we wouldn't need to be on this thread.

That's true Amitola :(

Thanks for not saying anything, Cailin, it's scary to be where you are at the moment but getting the right boundries in place will be so beneficial to you/dh/ds. You can do this but if it's too much for now just take a break, babysteps is ok. Big hugs, sorry if I'm pushing you.

There's a reason why there's a cycle of abuse but there are ways to stop it. If you don't know how just say you don't know how and we'll try to help.

Hope you're ok, x

My comment was a bit depressing wasn't it - sorry! I need to learn to put things in a slightly fluffier and prettier way. I've always been blunt. I blame my mother :o

Is there a way to make that fluffy??? :o

Non of us should be dealing with this or making light of it, abusers do that to minimise the effects of the abuse and make us question our sanity, when we need it most. We can stop them, we can protect others, we can believe ourselves.

No one has the right to minimise this.

Amitola, big hugs, glad you're feeling better today

Morning everyone, hope everyone has a good weekend.

There's going to be a partial eclipse of the moon visible from Canada to Australia on the 4th but it's showing a red moon here, so something to look out for :)

couldn't resist

testing name change (sorry i have not done this before)

Hi guys my internet completely died last night in fact it's still gone, i'm on dh's phone. You didn't upset me last night dirona. I totally get what you mean. Thank you for being a good friend.

You ok whyam?

I never thought I had been abused in any way but since having my daughter 2 years ago I keep dwelling on memories I have always had and felt uneasy around my father and do not like him anywhere near my daughter.

I have memories of my Dad showing me my clitoris when I was very young (before starting school) and telling me this is the most sensitive part of a woman. I remember my mum outside the doorway looking in looking very concerned. My Dad used to bath me everynight, and after the bath he would put the towl between my legs and rub it back and forward saying does it tickle, does it feel funny. He also used to whistle if I wore a skirt and say you look stunning. When I was about 12 I remember he put his hands (over my top) and said you are starting to get boobs. They are the only memories I have and I am so unsure whether they mean anything. I have always had this feeling that something is not quite right mentally with me.

A bit of further background about me..... I was a very shy quiet and lonely child. I never had many friends. I always complained of tummy aches and can remember feeling depressed for as long as I can rememeber. I used to try and make friends as a child, but in a strange way, which really embarrasses me now. I used to tell other children i was magical to make them want to be friends with me (I was about 8 at the time I think I could of been younger) and once alone with them (usually when playing in my bedroom) I would tell them to put things in their vagina (like cotton wool balls or dried flowers from what I can remember). I also asked them to show me their private parts and would pretend to take 'sexy' pictures of them with my toy camera. Sorry this sounds really strange and I feel embarrassed writing it. I just think it is weird that I used to do this looking back.

When I got to about 14 I started sleeping around with anyone who would have me (different guys who ranged in age to 16 to 22). When I reached 15 I had already slept with 5 different guys and done other things with many more. At that time I met a 17 year old boy who really liked me, he never asked me for sex and I was always finding arguments to pick with him and he took them all and stayed with me. He is the only person who has ever told me he loved me (not even my parents had ever told me that), and I am still with him 13 years later and we now have a 2 year old daughter. We have stayed together even though I lost interest in sex for 7 years and he had an affair as a result of this. We are both broken hearted in different ways. He thinks I do not love him as we only have sex a couple of times a year, and I now find having sex even harder as a result of his affair. I love him so much but our relationship is such a mess. Anyway that would be a totally different post I think!

Another thing is my mother shows many signs of narcistic (sp?) behaviour and suffered from anorexia for the 10 years before I was born. Everything always has to be about her, and I even overheard her tell my Dad she thought I was ugly when I was 12 years old which broke my heart and made me seek approval from anyone who would give it to me. I have always felt worthless and still do.

Sorry this is such a long and confusing post, I have never said any of this in real life before as I think I am being pathetic and other people have much worse problems than me. I guess I just want to know if it sounds like I was abused?

I guess I am worried as I cannot afford to be a SAHM anymore, my daughter is starting pre school which opens 8-4 but I would need childcare in the school holidays and my parents have offered over and over again and the thought of sending her there fills me with a horrible feeling. My other half wonders why I have not found a job yet and I cannot keep putting it off. Is there any type of school holiday care for pre-schoolers (the pre school is term time only) as even though I dont know if anything happened to me I have a bad feeling about her going there. I also have a fear of sending her to childminders etc incase they abuse her. I have a really bad fear of her being abused, even by my other half which is stupid as he is a lovely Dad. I also have a fear of having another child and it be a boy and him abusing her. I do not know where all these fears come from???? Someone help me if you have time :(

Sorry for all the typos

Thank you for posting whyam. You were abused. What your father did to you was totally wrong and it should never have happened.

It is really common for these sorts of memories to come up when you have children of your own.

How are you feeling?

Hi Whyam, I'm so sorry that happened to you, thats so sad, you should not have had to go through that

Everything you said about your childhood is showing you were displaying symptoms of abuse

I'm glad your dh has stayed with you but I'm sorry for your issues

Things can move forward, with therapy and hardwork. Are you getting professional help

I think in regards to childcare, you should consider homeworking until you are clearer headed

Can I offer you a big hug

:o

Thank you so much for the replies, I did not expect anyone to bother reading my post as it was so long and muddled. It was a bit of a shock to read that Cailindana said I was abused, I always just thought I was crazy for thinking I was. I feel so depressed at the moment, I think it may have something to do with leaving my daughter and going back to work (if I managed to find a job in this climate). I am ok with her starting pre school in september as it is a large environment with lots of staff and children, it is things like babysitters and childminders that worry me. She will only be going 9-12 while I am not working with the government funding. I would love to be able to work from home, I have set up a small online business since my daughter was born but it is not making much money that is why my other half wants me to go back to work. He does not know anything about my childhood, I do not want to tell him as I feel I am somehow 'weird'. Also I do not want to make our relationship even worse, as despite all our problems with both deeply love each other (well I know I do).

forgot to mention I also had signs of OCD when I was very small (about 5 or maybe younger). I always used to touch my chin to my shoulder a certain amount of times to make sure nothing bad happened to me, although I cannot remember what that something bad was. There are even photos of me doing it on various family holidays which my Mother used to find amusing.

Would you consider councelling for yourself firstly? Rape crisis are really good for childhood sexual abuse councelling.

Getting some good help to address to deep, underlying effects of the abuse will kick start everything else into place.

We have all struggled with childcare issues so you're not alone. Could you do a business course to help your business?

I think trying to get some councelling first would be best and of course someone is always here to listen.

Back again but not 100% lost it with DS the other night and realised I was heading for burnout so left DS with DH and took off to my sisters feeling a bit calmer knowing my sister is getting better as well going back tomorrow as need to get him up for college.

Welcome back Dotty, do you feel a bit better?

Whyam, keep posting if you can.

Cailin, hope you have a good night out.

I'm going to go off and bawl my eyes out for a bit. I just had a physical flashback of being chocked, I couldn't breathe and messed myself down below.

Oh Dirona you poor thing. How are you doing?

We were out for the day, we're back now and the internet is working again, Alleluia :)

Sorry to hear things are tough at the moment dotty, how are you feeling this evening?

Do you have much contact with your parents at the moment Whyam? Your reluctance to let your parents look after your daughter is completely understandable. My parents didn't abuse me (they just ignored the abuse, lucky me) and I would never leave my DS alone with them, never. How are you feeling?

Thanks for your reply HerRoyaleHoighnessDirona. I have not had any councelling, this is the first time I have ever told anyone as I thought it was not important compared with what a lot of people go through. I feel bad posting on here now as after reading some of the other threads what happened to be was very minor. But it has always bothered me that I have seemed depressed since as long as I can remember. I only started to really think about things after having my daughter and my other half having an affair. I didn't realise I was so cold to him until he had an affair. The problem is I am still cold to him now, even more so because I am so hurt from the affair (4 years on). I sit and cry when I think of how he must feel. I have no idea why he is with me. I feel like I am a horrible person who has forced him into a cold relationship for the last 13 years when he could have been with someone loving. The strange thing is I am over the top loving to my daughter, I hug her so many times a day. She is the only thing I live for. When I was 13 I tried to commit suicide twice as I was being bullied at school, and then again at 18 as I felt pressure from my parents to get into uni. But now I have my daughter for the first time ever I have something positive in my life. Sorry if I am rambling on, I do not have anyone I can talk to in real life, I only have 1 close friend and she lives in London for work now so I do not see anyone on a week to week basis to just chat with.

CailinDana, I see my parents every week as we good for sunday dinner. It is strange I still see them and try and seek approval from them (which I will never get).

It is weird as I never really was concerned by my Dad very much until I had my daughter, the first time I realised it was when I went to visit my parents and had to nip out to go to the post office. I left my daughter who was about 4 months old with my mum. I came back after 15 minutes and no one was in the lounge. I started to panic and eventually found my daughter with my Dad, he had put her on the bed and was leaning over her. I shouted in panic, where is mum, and he said outside feeding the animals, I bought 'DD' up here for a change of scenery. She seemed fine but I had such a surge of panic it was really strange. I do not have many memories of my childhood but maybe there were things that went on when I was very small that I can't remember? It is really playing on my mind for the last 2 years. Why do people remember things after having children?

Don't worry about letting it all out whyam, that's what the thread is here for.

I wouldn't call what happened to you "minor," not at all. Your father totally violated your personal privacy and was completely inappropriate with you. A father should protect you and nurture you, and he certainly didn't do that.

What was your parents' reaction to the bullying, and your suicide attempts?

They just asked my why I took an overdose, I said I did not want to talk about it and that was the end of it! It is really strange, for years I have told my mum I am depressed, even now as an adult and she just changes the subject!

Sorry cross posted. I think memories of abuse come back when you have your own children because you are suddenly forced to think about your childhood in a way that you never had to before. Also your protective instinct kicks in and when you look at your own children and you realise the ways in which you weren't protected by your own parents.

Would you ever consider ceasing contact with your parents?

Cailin, I'm ok, just a bit sicky.

Whym, everything you're going through is so normal for survivors. An important thing to remember is to focus on your abuse and not others as every survivor minimises and thinks their's wasn't that bad.

You can talk here all you want/need. Rape crisis may be a good place to call to ask for councelling.

Take babysteps to start with, start helping you, you deserve it, then maybe you can confide in your dh.

I also wouldn't leave your dd with your parents at all, x