Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 5

[CailinDana]

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

Special treats like that are fab. It's something I know I'm going to struggle with a bit because treats were unheard of in my family - I know with DS I'm either in danger of spoiling him completely or getting so worked up over treats that I spoil them.

Sigh I have a horrible memory of my mother giving me 50p out of the blue when I was about 7, me getting all excited, and then her telling me that it wasn't for me it was for the charity box. I mean would it have killed her to just think "Ah bless her, I'll let her keep it"?? Bitch.

xpost, I'm on the [dinosaurphone]

I'd spend hours writing out replies if I went on the computer :o

Please don't worry about bringing things up Dirona, I'm just feeling shite today so I don't have the mental energy. Discussing flashbacks requires my rock solid mental armour and that's out at the cleaners at the moment.

Cailin, bitchmother what a cow she was, why on earth would she do that, mine used to take my twin or older sister to activities/shopping and make me watch. I didn't even have a school uniform and got told off by a teacher for thinking I was too posh to wear a uniform when she wouldn't even buy me one!

no treats in ours either Cailin growing up..puritan regime. what was your mother thinking with that? What was with these women back then?

funnily enough now i see why i always have a crisp box and available biscuit tin for our dcs to raid when they need it (not often raided, thankfully, but still, they know its there and it's not off limits). makes me feel our house is a home! i would never renovate a house like she always did, i'd rather put goodies in the cupboards. interesting.

what is this life without crisps and biccies when feeling sad/knackered/eugh tho

sorry rambling too much this evening, i should get some kip, am off for a weekend to visit my sister in London, cannot WAIT for that

how was your day Dirona?

God I better not get started on my parents. My mother says now that she regrets being so strict. That's the only way in which she'll admit being at fault, and even then I think she sees it almost as a virtuous fault, if that makes sense, as in "Oh I'm such a perfectionist, I have to have things right, it's such a fault." All of this shit with my parents is really bubbling up at the moment I just have to deal with it, for DS's sake as well as mine.

That's the next mountain to climb. I definitely need counselling to help with it but in the mean time I shall blab aplenty on here :)

I must head to bed, my eyes are stinging with tiredness. Good night all, sleep well. Hope to see you around tomorrow Amitola.

I know you're not Dirona and i'm sorry its come across that way. I'm sorry for expressing it like that and upsetting people again. Its just that i had a really sore throat which i get when i feel unheard and was starting to feel ill. Its gone now, but it was selfish to do that.

I don't want to be alive anymore but i have to be for my children and its making me very bitter and angry. I was fine earlier but when this hits it takes over. I can't get past the fact that they have all got away with it, i don't know how to live with that bit. I don't care what they did to me, it feels irrelevant now, i just want payback and i can't get it.
I really don't think i'm going to get past this, but there isn't any point asking for help. As my ex said i've been suicidal so many times its boring now so i either do it or shut up. If i do it i fuck up my sons and if i don't i fuck up my sons. Anyway orry i really will leave because this self pity rant isn't helping anyone.

sleep well Cailin

am off too

(at the risk of sounding like the Waltons off the tele) sleep well Dirona, Dotty & Amitola

is there some kind of payback by thinking, even realising that their daily lives will NOT be made a jot easier because of what they did?

they will not have it easy, trust me

it's mot self pity Amitola, youre getting it out of your head and to us, who are listening

get it out, dont hurt yourself

Cailin, hugs, hope you mentally recoup soon. I know what you mean, sometimes I just can't answer posts, I usually feel bad but hope you don't, I posted it because I'd realised how much therapy had stopped those ones and felt relieved about it but I understand if it's something people are still working through.

Belle, I do the same, except my ds usually empties it straight away :o your fast food in a car on a rainy day sounds bliss, glad your dc's enjoyed it.

amitola how many kids do you have?

those people who hurt you will get payback, karma

their daily lives will be shite - if i look at my mothers life now, it is empty

-no real friends only gossipy bitchy types

• no sleep - she never gets a good nights rest, her conscience is really getting her and so it should be
• image issues

i could go on

but let those people run on and fly past your world - your sons, your own precious life is too precious

dont let them get the better of you, keep taking one hour at a time

tea and a biscuit and look at your sons and what a job you are doing raising them amitola

i bet your sons would rather you stayed and raised them, rather than your ex partner have to do it? or your family step in and raise them if you did decide to end it?

dont do anything to hurt yourself, you are too important to your sons, give them your all

Amitola, xpost, it is not self pity, I know what you're going through and I know that when you hold it in, it comes out in a bad way. You need to let it out, just rant away, we are here and are listening to you even if we can't answer straight away.

I wish you could have come on my camp out, a few survivors went and we've all felt strangely better.

Don't listen to your ex, he's a twat of the highest order.

Big big hugs Amitola, do you want to go start a bunfighty thread anyway :o

sorry mnhq

shit i hope youre still there amitola?

Get them angries out Amitola, who are you really angry at and what would you say to them?

I'm angry at my mum, fucking cunting twatting bitch that she is.

Night Cailin, and Belle if she manages to escape :o

i'm getting a headache Dirona, i so need to sleep

amitola - tell me youre ok, so i can go get some kip and i promise i'll reply tomorrow morning around 7am ish

It's ok Belle, I'm waiting up for my ds so I'll stay up for Amitola, but she will appreciate you coming back first thing, hugs.

Ami, you ok? you can fight on here :o

Amiiiiiiiiiiii bet you've gorn to bed

They say depression/suicidal thoughts are internalised anger, it's helped me to stop feeling suicidal to get the angries out. It's normal and healthy.

Thanks Belle. I have 2, 4 yrs and 9 mths. I don't get much sleep, hence the mood swings! i'm at the end of my tether with lack of sleep at the moment but when i take littley up ( we co-sleep) he wakes up, pulls my hair, is generally a pest.
I guess i can see my families lives are not that great, my mother and sister are clearly struggling. No idea about my father because Mr Innocent won't see me! I'm just so angry about the group of men who abused me and the fact the police won't do a thing. My mother isn't just protecting her husband by telling people i'm crazy and making it up, she is protecting an entire ring. Abuse was so common where i lived though, god knows how many others were abused. I wish i could let it go but i want justice. I want it out in the open and i want to shame every one of those people who ignored it and did nothing.
I need to start writing about it, i think that will help, but its such a solitary thing to do and i'm bloody lonely as it is.

It is lonely, I've been there and do "chat" online a lot to make up for it but it doesn't replace a good rl chin, as much as I luffs everyone one here, I'd love to have you all over for a coffee morning.

You don't need your family but you do need decent people. I hope you can start here cos we likes you, x

i'm typing one handed with a booby monster on my lap (breastfeeding in case that sounds weird) he's not even ready for bed yet, just keeps feeding and dozing. So thats why i'm so slow replying. Sorry i'm ok, well i'm not but i smiledat the comments.

I'm angry at the entire world for letting me go through all of that, not helping me, not rescuing me, not caring enough to do anything. I'm angry at so many people for their responses to it since. I could go on forever, but mainly i guess i'm angry that nobody ever noticed how much danger i was actually in, in my middle class, pony clubbing family. Friends laughed at me when i tried to say my home life wasn't good :( I'm very angry at myself too. I wish i had said something sooner, when there was evidence. I didn't because he said he would kill my horse, he killed him in the end anyway because i went to the police. I can't even look at horses now.

Thank you, i'm making lovely new friends, but trying to make them think i'm normal. I doubt i'll keep that up long!

I feel the same anger, so sorry he did that, what a bastard.

Your new friends will love you as you are, don't pretend to be normal, just be you and if they don't love you we'll come and tell them orf :o