Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 5

[CailinDana]

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

This is really weird but I wouldn't, as they have made me believe they are good parents, they say it often! And I kind of feel responsible for them as they are so miserable, how weird?? My mum has an eating disorder and suffers from anxiety and depression. She is very emotionally detached. I cry now as an adult as I have never felt like I have had a Mum, although she is very good in a practical sense e.g. will come round and clean for me a couple of times when my daughter was a baby, but if I try and talk to her about anything emotional, not to do with my Dad but anything like exam stress when I was at uni, she just walks off. They tell everyone that they help me so much with 'DD' but they have us round to lunch once a week that is it. But my Mum told her friend she looks after my daughter full time!!?? And when we visit on a Sunday my mum always says to my daughter, wouldn't you like to come and live with Nanny. WTF??

When we go round and my daughter sits on my Dads lap I just cringe, but no-on else seems to notice so I always think maybe I imagined everything, even though I know I didn't imagine the things I can remember.

But despite everything I still love my parents. Is that strange??

No not strange at all Whyam. That's what makes it doubly cruel. A child will always love their parents, no matter how badly they treat them.

I know you can't imagine it now, but in time I think you need to get your parents out of your life. I don't think you'll feel up to that for a while, but once you do it, you will be surprised how much it helps. I'm still in the process of detaching from my parents, and it is very hard, but since I moved away from them I have improved massively.

It is very risky having your father around your daughter.

How do you feel when you're around your parents?

Whyami I had horrific memories come back after my eldest was born nearly 21 years ago even stopped myself suffocating her at about 2 weeks old as I had nightmares of it happening to her as a result I suffered severe PND but was never treated properly as I stopped taking the AD's my rape crisis counseller told me it was extremely common for mothers to even take their own lives as well as the baby's.

It's not strange at all, we've all been there and we would all love our parents to love us but they were either the abuser, complicit in the abuse or totally disengaged ant that is dangerous to us , to our children and to other children.

Your parents will minimise it so you don't make a fuss if your father moves onto your dd. You can't let that happen.

Please keep your dd safe, x

You can get help so fight for it, you will be going through difficult emotions but you can get through them.

When I'm around my parents I feel stupid and even stutter when I talk sometimes as I feel they will criticise what I say. I have always been scared to talk to people incase they criticise me, when I was at school I used to get told off for never putting up my hand in class, but I was scared to incase I got the wrong answer. That is what I feel like when I am around my parents, like I will give the wrong answer when I say something. They are very critical people and are critical of everyone. I would feel bad if I did not see them again, like I had let them down. Maybe I should just try to cut the visits shorter on a Sunday (we currently stay all day). I wish I hated them but I cant :(

Whym, can I ask you something?

Yes I will keep my DD safe. That is why I am scared to go back to work. I have an online business that I set up so I could stay home with DD, but it only made £1,000 profit last year. We are about £300 short a month as a family so have to use credit cards each month to live, that is why my other half wants me to go back to work part time. But I am just so scared of child care. Maybe if I could find a term time only job to fit in with pre school that would work, but I cannot seem to find anything like that advertised.

Yes HerRoyaleHoighnessDirona feel free to ask me anything...

Personally I would cut all contact with your parents your daughter means more to you and tell your partner if you can he will probably surprise you xx

dottyspotty2 I fear my partner would think that I made it up as I have never mentioned it in the 13 years we have been together.....

Whyam I don't want to be harsh but at the moment you are bringing your daughter to visit a paedophile every week. I know you are there with her all the time and you would never leave her alone with him but as she gets older she will start to pick up on his attitude and there is a huge danger that he will start making inappropriate comments to her. You can't be there every minute, and every minute they are in the same house she is in danger. Can you see that?

That can be normal though you do realise its not your fault I hope.I never actually told DH he guessed because of my reaction towards his touch.

Will you make us, on this thread, a promise?

That you'll keep posting, no matter how hard things get.

That you'll trust us to help you get through things.

We all have the struggles and have hit the same walls, so we know how to get through them.

Can you get night shifts or a cleaning job, or marketing for your business? I don't know your area so don't know the industries but city, urban, country would be a good general idea to help?

Promise?

How are you doing Dirona?

CailinDana, yes I am stupid for visiting them everyweek. I am pathetic for not being a strong person. I guess I just think maybe I imagined everything and that really he is ok. I was not sure that what he did to me was abuse, I always thought maybe it was normal.....

I have got a lot of thinking to do on how to go forward from here........

The reasons I worked little when kids where little was 1 DH is self employed so odd hours and 2 I trusted no-one with my kids.

Cailin, not as sicky, glad you had a good day :)

Whym, you are not pathetic, at all, in any way. When you are that close to a situation your boundries often get blurred especially when influenced by an abuser.

This normal but it is putting your dd at risk, you must not let him near your dd, at all.

Big hugs, you can do this, and yes you're father is a peadophile and a danger to your dd.

You ok?

dottyspotty2, my other half does odd hours too, a mixture of nights and days. It is a strange shift pattern so would stop me from getting an evening job. I think living off the credit card will be best for now maybe as I just cannot think of a long term child care solution.

Dirona I am not sure I can promise I can stay on here for the long term as I am starting to feel worse the more I think about it.....

For years I thought it was normal as my Mum was in the room when he dried me with the towel asking me if it tickled.

I feel like just running away to the other side of the country with DD, my other half could meet someone normal then and not have to live with a moody cold bitch.

Whyam, you're not stupid, or pathetic. You have survived being treated absolutely horribly for your entire life by the two people who should have protected you. Now it is time to stop surviving and start living. You've taken the first step, but it's a long hard road. We will help you.

I know you're not ready yet, but you need to stop visiting your parents. Your father is dangerous. You can't allow your DD to be around him.

What do you think?

No I'm not okay. Actually someone saying outloud he is a peadophile and a danger to my DD is making me cry. What an idiot I am for letting her spend time with my parents. I thought because I was there, or even if I went to the loo or something my sister or mum was in the room with her so nothing would happen. And I kept worrying maybe my memories were false somehow and did not want to deprive my parents of seeing their granddaughter.

CailinDana yes I do need to get it in to my head that he is dangerous, thank you for pointing it out to me, as it is hard for me to see.

Whym, you are so so brave, so brave for posting here, so brave for replying to and so brave just for being you.

We are here to help you, we know how hard it is, we have all been where you are, please trust us.

I'm crying for you but you have taken the first HUGE step forward.

Your mother was complicit in your abuse, your dd is not safe with them.

Please please keep posting, and call rape crisis, we/they will help, but you will face some hard issues. We are here for you.

Does anyone have any advice on how to distance yourself from your parents when you still love them and look for their approval?

I know it's hard Whyam, it's awful. It's a horrible thing to have to face.

All of us can recognise the things you are going through. So much of what you're saying about how you feel and think rings true with me. We understand how you are feeling.

What are you thinking at the moment?

Thank you Dirona x