Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 5

[CailinDana]

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

Do you? I feel so self obsessed feeling like that, but I know the anger is justified. Having stood up against abuse and had it thrown back at me though I can see why people do nothing. Haha thanks, will direct them here. On phone, how the hell do people do this my fingers are too fat!

Yes I do feel angry at everyone, at society, at our culture. My abusive stepfather was repeatedly sent home from court after reported dv incidents when he'd put my mother in hospital because the judge said she was winding him up. The same happened with his first with and he was left to abuse his daughter and me. I'd like to string the judges up by the balls.

Hows the littley?

ooooh ooooh everyone, look at the bunting on ma'amsnet, I feel a jubilee namechange coming on :o

morning amitola, geez you are raising 3 kids under 4?

meant - IN massive gesture of respect. my dcs up since half 5 wtf??!!!

it is hard enough raising one or two nevermind 3 little uns amitola

i've read your last posts, i can totally see you are angry with so many liars

they are losers pure and simple and you are the one who will come out stronger although it really probably doesnt seem like that to you at the moment

they got away with it back then, but I still maintain that their lives will not be easy at the moment, especially if youre going through all this transition of thoughts coming up again about what happened. Let the anger out on here, it cleans it out of your head at least a little bit, amd just know that although there was nothing you could have done, you will have justice for them, at some point,

but it is not to be on your shoulders to fix it all right now

it is a lot for you to have to handle

make you and your kids your priority for the moment, and be kind to yourself - hard I know - but small steps, do something for yourself today even if it's just put the baby in a sling, walk out with the other 2, get yourself a magazine and a coffee and back home again

i wish i could offer you more than this, but know that i'm listening, it's all i can do

Morning Belle :) and anyone else who's up.

DS is fond of his 5 o clock starts, they're such good fun Luckily DH was on duty this morning so I was in bed till 7. What luxury.

How are you doing Amitola?

How's everyone? big hugs all round.

I'm helping an rl survivor friend today, been at wa, very helpful.

I am bloody tired Dirona. And I have a grumbly tummy, you know the kind where you don't really feel sick but your tummy just isn't happy?

How did things go with your friend?

hi everyone, sorry to hear you have upset tummy Cailin, ain't good.

Well so far today I have gashed my eyebrow on the car door when picking up DS, had an awful 4 minute call from mother, where she talked nonsense about gossip for 2 mins then sulked when she asked me 3 times how the medication REALLY WAS MAKING ME FEEL.

I gently said, I'm really fine, it's not something that's up for discussion really

This did not please, so she said so sulkily ,well have a nice time in London wont you I think the weather is to be awful so good luck'

happy happy joy joy!! eugh

ironing my worries away atm having a tea break & MN first though

Right I'm biting the bullet and talking about my parents.

I am so incredibly fucked off at them at the moment and I need to get it out of my system. I have no idea if it'll help but I'm hoping it will.

I find them so weird and they infuriate me.

I want to get to a point where I can just look upon them as silly eejits that mean no harm but it's hard. I don't want to swallow my true feelings, I've doing that for too long.

At the moment I'm deciding whether I can manage the rare contact we have at the moment or whether it's best to cut them out altogether.

I am trying to figure out how much of my difficulties I can attribute to them and how much they will continue to affect me if they are in my life. I don't want to cut them out entirely if it won't make any difference in the long run.

They were odd parents. I do remember some good times with them, definitely and they have some very clear positive points, that's why I'm not keen to just dismiss them. I think they were pretty much perfect parents when we were teenagers as they provided a lot of structure but with very little emotional involvement which suits a teenager I think - because we were allowed to do our own thing without being constantly monitored or grilled we didn't bother rebelling and were very quiet studious teenagers.

But overall there was a lack of personal involvement. They weren't abusive in any way, they were just detached. No sense that we were precious or important, our achievements were either ignored or played down, and we were not encouraged to make the most of our talents.

So sorry to hear that Belle, hope it doesn't bruise, good for standing up to your mum though.

Cailin, I don't think you should think that of them, I think they're pretty dangerous rather than eejits. Eejits can learn at least iyswim. Having boundries in place to allow them in might work but if they break the boundry they're out.

Went good today rlsurvivor jumping at shadows so we're girlie shopping, she's tiny so fits everything but I'm too amazonian for mere mortal clothes so mning :o

I can't get perspective when it comes to my parents. Can you tell me why you think they're dangerous Dirona?

it's a big decision Cailin, completely see where you are coming from

It sounds like you felt emotionally ignored, like your progress in life didn't matter, that you all just got on with it without them, this is a hard pill to swallow, when now with our own kids, we want to help and nurture them?

Do you think that is the comparison? if so, you could approach a discussion with them along the lines of how much you are interested in your own DS' progress in life and his achievements would matter so much to you, unlike how it was for them...saying this to them gently, to get them to speak about it?

I was thinking that unless we do at some point approach these people with at least a few of our concerns about the past, at some point when we are feeling 'strong', not often I know, then time will keep passing and they will still be 'off the hook' so to speak. We will have to put our armour on and fire it gently at them, as the not knowing and the confusion and the whizzing mind body and soul is just agonising when we think of them and their actions back then

rambling sorry

do you have any siblings and if so have they ever talked about it to you or your parents? sorry havent time to go back thread to check right now

I have an older sister with whom I don't get on and a much younger sister who is like a daughter to me. I know now, looking back that my younger sister looked to me a lot for affection and comfort ant that I mothered her in a emotional way, in a way my parents didn't.

My main issue with my mother is that when I told her I was abused she basically told me she didn't want to know.

do you want an apology from your mother?

In an ideal world I would like her to come to me of her own accord and say that she reacted really badly to me telling her and that she should have been more supportive, both then and when I was depressed. But I know it's never going to happen.

i see what you mean. Seems like women of that generation or whatever NEVER think they are wrong in anything, especially regarding their children

(massive generalisation perhaps)

but not believing you when you told her that is not something she should get away with

easier said than done though

Thing is though, Belle, she did believe me, in fact I got the distinct impression that she knew about it already. She just said that it's something that happens, she talked about what seemed to me to be a very minor incident that happened to her when she was little, and basically implied it's to be expected. When I pushed her on it and told her it was really affecting me she said I was trying to make her feel guilty (as it was a friend of hers who did it) and that I should move on and not "let it ruin my life." Since then she has never mentioned it.

ah I get it now

so for you to mention it with her, would bring it all back for her own experience, which is why she blocked you on it

but still not on for her to push it from you and hope that it just goes away and somewhat worse to say ot was common enough back then

it is hurting you all these years later, every day or most days a week

i think I'm talking a lot of bravado here though, I know it is on the tip of my tongue to light on my mother about my adolescent years at home, and how bloody miserable they were, but i didnt even realise at the time i was so miserable, i just wanted peace in the house, and would do anything to
please her, silly old me

so it is easy for me to say, your mother needs to be told how much you are hurting about this, when i know it is just not that simple at all

as even the best planned strategy could backfire

but would you feel cleared out amd better in a way by asking her to talk about it?

i have to go now get shower and then am off to London to see sister, cant wait
hope you all have a great weekend

Have a great one Belle :)

Belle, have a good weekend, I'm a bit paranoid I've upset you re Amitola's kids so can I say sorry

Cailin, why do you think I think they're dangerous, if you can see it, it'll help in putting up boundries so I'm more than willing to sit here and thrash it out with you, it's better coming from you than me as you may minimise it which wouldn't be good.

I have confronted my lot, and probably quite harshly but I had no qualms in telling it straight. I had passed breaking point though.

Because of my mother's response to the abuse? I haven't told my father, so I don't know how he'd respond.