Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 5

[CailinDana]

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

Yes, like being the person that everyone else knows on the outside and the person I know on the inside. Often they are pulling against each other and the one on the inside sabotages something on the outside.

Need to think about what to say. Am getting panicky now, but need it to come out.

Offred I reckon most abuse victims go through this I was the mouth piece my stepson was even told I had a mouth on me. I told my hairdresser a fortnight ago I was thinking of getting a tattoo when it was all over as a new start but it was mad as it wasn't me you know what she said but who are you Dotty I said I don't know and thats the truth these people destroy lives. You are young enough to get the help and make a real good life for you and your family maybe I am but I honestly don't know how long it will take me to recover from the impact of what I've done x

She actually went mad when I asked what about her as she had an incident with her uncle at 12 once it happened once to many but she told me it ws dealt with and was nowhere ner on a par with what happened to me she's not just my hairdresser but a friend and convident known her for 22 years. x

I feel quite scared of finding out which bits of me are me and which are wrong dotty. I'm feeling a bit bleak like I am going to have to realise how fundamentally this has affected me and maybe accept it as a part of me. I'm frightened about what it will do to me as a person and my life, this process of accepting it. I feel like I've only just started. I think you're doing very well. ((hug)) you are very, very hard on yourself.

I think I still feel un-entitled and afraid to call myself "victim"... "Abuse victim" sounds still more serious than I feel it was but this week has been revelatory, my analytical brain says on the facts this boy in my class, even though he was the same age, he abused me, my feelings were so confused by it. I just, I don't know, I don't feel at all entitled to say that, not at all.

What do you mean "what I've done"?

Opening the can of worms Offred in my mind I was fine I've dragged my sisters into this they didn't have to say anything but they did I never felt any effects of abuse until after I reported it nearly having a breakdown is eye pening to say the least especially as I'd built myself up to be a strong person I had to so I could fight for my boy's right care, feel very weak and helpless for the first time in a long long time and a failure.

No, dotty, you aren't weak or helpless at all. This opening the can of worms is the hardest bit isn't it? I hope so. You are brave and strong and there to help other people even though you feel lost in it yourself. If you felt how I'm feeling about opening it, I just don't see what else you could have done.

I've been reading this about rape trauma dotty, found it helpful

Thanks Offred I probably do have PTSD but in my case the rape was carried out over a period of 8 years or more so bloody complex as it was someone I absolutely adored theres also so much I can't remember stupid really as I'm reknowned for a fantastic memory.

Was at rape crisis and felt wonderful afterwards but talking about the effects a total different statement to the DC brought it all to the fore again I will continue to look for additional counselling but if I don't find any I guess I'm on my own

Yes, the feeling like you are going backwards and forwards but was making me think about you. Also the dealing with things bit by bit.

Evening all
Just having a large G&T - she left at 4pm today - we all had to go out for lunch
Dodged another million bullets. Sigh. Couldn't speak or move when she left, DH took Dcs out for a walk, I lay on the sofa with sunglasses on, attempting to watch Nigella on the food channel (the only thing that soothes me sometimes) with a BLINDING headache, the first I've had since starting AD's 3 weeks ago

DH cooked dinner, kids in bed, so am now settling a bit. Boy does she blow me off course...

Going to read back thread a bit, sorry for butting in
Hope you are all ok this evening

Evening belle, glad you survived.

I think I need to tell DH because I have already opened that can of worms. I can't put the lid on, I don't know if I can live in the same house as him without speaking about it that just feels intolerable...

I can understand that Offred. I think it's a good idea. The only problem is that you don't know how it's going to make you feel.

Hi Belle. How are you feeling at the moment? What are your thoughts on future contact?

Offred, it sounds like you feel you need to tell your DH to help you heal and move on, and if it's pressing on your mind to tell him, it must mean something? (instinct again perhaps?) I still feel a bit weird after mentioning some stuff to DH the other day, very exposed, and feel he will see me differently, but he's been asking am I ok lots. So he must feel upset about it too somehow, but isn't sure how to deal with it. Rambling, sorry Offred

Hi Cailin, thanks for asking

Well, G&T has helped immensely, and to be able to sit on my own sofa without her in my house gives me such relief and peace.

But I know strongly now, that since I have such a physical reaction to her being around me (I actually went mute again for most of the day, just couldnt bring myself to make much eye contact, and lost my speech - it was bizarre) then it must mean I have no further need to have much contact with her

And the good thing is, I CAN control how much I see of her

(except for when she says she has another bloody course meeting in my city)

Next time she has a course could you just say it's not convenient for her to stay over?

How are you doing Offred?

Belle glad you survived the visit.

Offred DH had another analogy when I first disclosed, I was on about opening the floodgates he said its like opening a champagne bottle at first it overflows then slows down and eventually stops different viewpoint I thought.

she tried her bloody best to have an argument with me before 10am this morning:

• she was about to cut the ropes to the blinds in the living room, as she said they were tangled up (I had to tell her 4 times to put the scissors away)

• she waffled on about a friend who was born when her mother died shortly after, she never even knew her mother. When I didn't reply, ( I was IRONING again ffs, trying to avoid her nonsense, it was only 8.40am) she said, with an awful tone and a sigh - 'Belle, are you even listening to me? I know you don't even want me here (fake sniffles) Oh I will just go home after my breakfast' Sigh sigh, stomp around etc... I said, 'oh for goodness sake, it's half past eight in the morning, don't sulk with me if I cant offer you a deep and meaningful chat!'

• When I chose to eat my toast on my armchair in the living room with DCs instead of with her at the table, I got,'Aren't you coming to join me?' Why arent you eating breakfast with me' with that same awful tone sighing that she does

She is just psycho. And this kind of behaviour and stupid chats went on all day

Cailin - that is a bloody good point - I will remember that for next time. Sometimes I can't see a simple solution. Thanks.

She sounds like really really hard work. It seems to me like she expects you to fawn over her and hang on her every word while at the same time she pays you no attention whatsoever.

Your home your DC's your rules you do what the hell you like well done x

Dotty - I love that champagne idea thing. It is true - at first it just flows, and it is unstoppable. It consumes every single thought of most waking moment in each day. It is uncomfortable to have to deal with so many nasty memories. But I will believe your DH when he says that the flow must slow down and stop at some point.

I look forward to that point.