Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 5

[CailinDana]

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

I think it's a good analogy too. The thing that's hard to bear is you have to deal with a lot of those "pops" and it can seem like they're always going to be there, waiting to take you by surprise. But what I've found is that over time they get smaller and smaller (smaller champagne bottle?) and fizzle out much quicker.

'she could start a fight in an empty room' - have you ever heard that one before? It applies to my mother.

I did nothing to provoke her today, minded my own business, looked after my DCs, you know what mornings are like with kids, tried to relax with my coffee and toast in my armchair in my own house...

EUGH

But that's it for a while - am aiming for low contact until Christmas. If I manage that, I'll be over the moon

She knows not her boundaries - exactly that. I get so confused with her behaviour, until I think, hang on a minute, would I behave that way in my DD's house in 30 years time? When I visit? NO way. I will hide in the guest room, listening to music and reading a book - enjoying some bloody peace and quiet for once in my life

She sounds a lot like my sister Belle. My mother is more passive and is actually easy to get on with a lot of the time, but my sister is just constantly out for a fight. She made my life hell from the age of about 8 until about 15 when I finally decided to just ignore her. Worked a treat.

Me too Belle but I remember talking to my sons pyschiatrist about it must be over 5 years ago she said to me it would get much worse before it got better never believed her how right she was now unless I have more statements to make the next tough period will be if it goes all the way to trial if he pleads guilty the next tough part will be sentencing at court.

I have been told by my local DC that she would rather I phone her than collapse in a heap but I feel I can't burden her thats what I like about here its anoymonous x

Dotty - yes, it is a help to write it out of you, same here, writing it out on here is so much easier than talking it out to your local DC. I have cancelled my therapy this Tues and she is away next Tues (namely money is a bit tight this week, so have said DH has work commitments and I have to look after DCs) DH didnt want me to cancel it, said it was important for me to go bless him

But yes, it always feels like burdening them when we tell anyone else - DH, your local DC or whoever...

Why on earth is that?

just think I must have been conditioned early in life to not bother anyone about anything

so even DH has brought me a cup of tea - it feels like gold

but I could never ask him or anyone to make me one

Had to put dcs in bed. Think it IS burdening them, that's part of it anyway, the other part for me is not being able to have control of it when it is outside myself.

Think it makes it more real Belle I know each step i'm taking makes things realer for me but maybe i'm daft like that.

I don't know if I can do it, I'm so anxious, I have so many people relying on me I just can't do the things I need to do if I don't do something about this.

Me too Belle. My parents had zero interest in my problems. Anything going on in my life was considered an inconvenience, even illness. I broke up with DH for a few months not long after we started going out (due to the abuse actually, long story) and I was devastated. Not once did she try to cheer me up or take me out for a treat or even hug me, she just completely ignored me, even when I burst into uncontrollable tears in the middle of mass.

I slowly got more stable and was considering getting back with DH so I was happier and she made fun of me, saying "God I'm glad to see you're finally smiling, I was beginning to think you'd never get over it" at which my oh so lovely sister laughed. I was shocked and just stood there for a second before I said "I'm glad you both find me being so upset so funny," and stormed out. Nothing more was said about that, no apology, nothing. It was actually that incident that convinced me once and for all to get back with DH. I think part of the reason I broke up with him was because he was so caring - I just couldn't handle it. His normal, loving attitude showed my family up for the shits that they were and I couldn't get my head around it so I lashed out at him rather than at my family, who actually deserved it. Once my mother put the boot in about being upset I suddenly saw what a mistake I was making and luckily DH took me back. That was the beginning of me separating completely from my family but it still took a good few years to happen properly.

Offred - exactly - it is that feeling of no control, once you have expressed it,

it is no longer floating around inside your head

Dotty - it does make it more real, the more we do. Rather than shove it somewhere else, and try to forget it, it is just too powerful a memory or experience or whatever to forget

And why do we have to forget it, and let it fester inside, and ruin potential happy future times? This is part of my reasoning anyhow at the moment, feeling quite defiant, that why should I let her still control the atmosphere of my mind, in the way she controlled so much of the shitty atmosphere at home

It's ok to be anxious Offred. We'll be here once you have talked to him if you need support.

Cailin - bloody hell, what are they like, that was harsh. Too harsh. That is heavy hurtful behaviour from your sis and mother

Cailin when I had my hysterectomy at 30 my dad feined illness he supposedly had pnemonia because he wasn't centre of attention [he was a hypochondriac] the real reason for it was that I refused to let them look after my children hell would of froze over we never spoke for 5 years only reason I started talking again was my nephew was geting married and I did not want to ruin his wedding with an atmosphere but I ended up apologising the best thing was my mum didn't recognise me when I went to the door.

I think it's the case that my mother is clueless and my sister is nasty. They feed off each other. It's like my mother's emotional development is stuck at about age 12 - she can see other people have emotions but she doesn't have a clue how to talk about them so she just puts her head down and pretends they're not there until they pass. My sister on the other hand loves goading people and the more she can hurt others while at the same time convincing herself what a saint she is, the better.

I have to get some sleep now, been a wreck of a day, nite all x

Night belle.

Still not done it, waiting for dark.

Goodnight Belle, hope you sleep well x

What's going through your mind Offred?

Night Belle x

I have made it all up, nothing to tell, I'm just a fantasist can't put it back in the denial box though.

I've had those feelings Offred. I suppose it's a defence mechanism. Are you worried your DH might not believe you?

Wish mine WAS a fantasy and I'll wake up and it be over.

I don't know, right this minute I don't believe me IYSWIM. Maybe, I know he would though with my right brain, then my wrong brain says I have made a mountain of a molehill. It is because whenever I reached out to talk to my mum about things she didn't believe me I'm sure. Mountain out of a molehill "don't be stupid"... Things that come from her I think.

I've lived on the outskirts all my life, like some mangy scrounging festering dog. I've always been outside the norm, unconventionally unconventional.

I've never been able to do anything right or I've been classed as stupid/weird or I've been told someone like me would never understand what they're feeling/going through.

Having a breakdown was awful, I lost everything and I have no idea if my broken mind will mend. I just feel like a terrified child, like I can't grow up.

Why do "I" break.