Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 5

[CailinDana]

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

Ok, ok, not so bad. May have crossed the line a little bit with DH friend (stupid) but only a little. Actually ok.

Offred what was that about last night?

Hello, I have been meaning to join you all on this thread for a while and have name changed just for this thread. Like everyone else here I was sexually abused in childhood, this occurred within the family.

I am now 46 and have an aversion to sex and sexual touching although I love a cuddle. I have a DS who was the result of my marriage to a man who said he understood...but didn't so needless to say we are now separated.

At 46 I have made the decision that sex just doesn't work for me and that I won't persue another relationship. I am happy being single and having the freedom to not feel obligated to have sex. I really cannot be bothered with it all.

Going off to read some of this thread properly.

Hi ColouringIn, thanks for posting.

How are you feeling?

Thanks for the support last night. I don't want to take AD's, I just want someone in my life who cares if i'm dead or alive. Preferably someone who wants me to be alive, but I don't have that and it looks like I never will.

Your children want you alive don't they Amitola?

DH friend likes me, I've been inappropriate, also texting x. Nothing inappropriate just inappropriate to do it. Feel ok this morning, wasn't sure if I could check myself but I did.

Inappropriate, as in, you shouldn't have been texting at all?

Any chance you could stop the guilt trips and actually try to understand what its like to not have any other adult in your life. My children have always been my entire world, since I first fell pregnant and everything I do is for them but I need things too and I have nobody.
Its just cruel to keep saying I need to keep doing this for my children. If I wasn't trying to keep going for them I would have been dead a long time ago.
Nobody will ever understand unless they are in my situation but I guess nobody else ever will be. Clearly i'm such a horrible person I don't deserve anyone in my life.

Yes, not at all. Was his band we went to see, he teaches ds guitar. DH knows he is x, bit stupid to be texting him until 3am, he had a gf, bit out of order.

Amitola - can understand that.

Would your DH be upset about it Offred?

I get what you mean Amitola, you need an adult, someone other than your children, someone who will share the burden with you.

I don't know. He knew I was texting him. He's very relaxed, would let me hang myself with enough rope, have to be self policing, it can be hard cos sometimes I just feel a bit mad. Anyway, it's ok. DH friend thing might be a problem don't know wtf I'm doing there. Stupid idiot. But it's ok. Don't let me distract you cailin, I'm feeling alright because I did successfully manage not to do anything bad.

The only thing you're distracting me from is DS and his blummin buggy. He gets that bloody thing stuck on every little obstacle and then screams like a banshee, yet he won't let me help him push it around.

Do you want to talk about it Offred? I think I know what you're getting at but I don't want to put words in your mouth.

How's it going Amitola?

Oh I met DH friend before I met DH, had an almost encounter, mutual friend said he was a flake so went for DH, turns out mutual friend has a thing for DH friend. Would always have chosen DH I think but DH friend likes me, quite a lot I think, and I know it and I should just have boundaries in place and I do but it does make me a bit stressed out. I don't know how I feel. Think x is a bit of a problem too, cheated on xp with him, he pestered and pestered and wore me down last time. Did well to manage it without doing anything bad. Do really like DH friend (in friend terms) and DH and don't want to mess everything up for all of us!

Do you think you get drawn into something with him? Could you tell him how you're feeling?

He knows, I spoke to him about it last night. I don't think I have handled it badly. There was a bit when it looked like it was going wrong but I think I've done ok. Can talk to him very easily for some reason, not many people I can do that with. He was asking me about that last night, why I can talk to him but not DH. Said it is because I'm married to DH, not married to him!

I think you're right about why you can't talk to your DH. I have the same issue with my DH - I can talk openly with my close male friend in a way I can't with DH. I love my friend dearly and lines could have been blurred with him at one stage but luckily he understands the situation and I can trust him to set boundaries.

Was a good thing to say because it is the truth and it sets a boundary. DH and DH friend still asleep! Been awake since 6!

Must mess with his head though. Think he likes me a lot, think at some stage he might grow to hate me!

It's a tough situation. I know the male friend I mentioned had very strong feelings for me at one stage and it did nearly ruin our friendship but we got past it. It can be a minefield though.

Hi Colouringin,

I feel a lot better since I recognised I, in a way, need to be single. So sorry that happened to you.

Offred, hugs.

Morning all lazy bugger I'm just up had trouble getting asleep last night was back in panic mode woke about an hour later in a hell of a panic must of had a bad dream although I can't remember it.

Hi dotty, how are you feeling at the moment?

Colouringin - are you still around?

Not looking forward to all the kids going back to school. Toying with the idea of having "the talk" with DH tonight.