Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 3

[CailinDana]

The first two parts of this thread:
Part 1
Part 2

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

You're not screwed up in the head. I know how hard it is to try to deal with negative feelings when you're trying not to hurt your partner at the same time.

Hey Dotty, you're going to be going through some weird stuff right now with everything being dredged up, for sure, but considering everything, you are doing fantastically well! x

Telling the police is an amazingly brave thing to do. I'm not sure I could've ever have done that. I hope you're able to overcome your problems, Dotty. I really do.

I can relate to the lack of parental attention making the situation possible. My parents worked a lot and I was always considered an 'independent' child. There's no such thing, or shouldn't be.

Morning everyone. I hope everyone had a good night's sleep.

Morning Cailin, had a lovely day with the in-laws yesterday meal out in Plymouth managed to speak to MIL alone and let her know what was happening now, DH has been phoning her to talk she's his step-mum but has always been more of a mum and she and us say she's mum. So she says I've not to worry about him telling FIL how ill I had been and he basically told me off to slow down with everything going on. Lovely to see them BIL,SIL and nephew again.

Glad to hear you had a such a nice day dotty. Your MIL sounds lovely. How are things between you and your DH?

Things are ok it doesn't get to him its me it gets to he obviously hates me getting upset and hurting but I have to accept that I have people to talk to and he talks to her he is fantastic really don't know how he's still here with me, he's told MIL that he can only support me in any way I need he doesn't want to put anymore stress onto me. Both MIL and FIL are elderly FIL's been ill for years I saw them in February since then MIL has dropped 2 sizes and lost lots of weight. We worry about them with being so far away.

The thing that jumps out at me from so many of your posts dotty is how much you care for and worry about other people. I think all the people in your life, including us here on the thread, are lucky to have you because a person who has suffered so much and can still think so much of others is a very very rare thing.

Hi guys, I'm sorry to just kind of whale in (have read a lot of the thread) but I'm just having an absolute freak out and was wondering if you could point me in the direction of the right place? Idk...here, another board just so I can canvass opinion on how to get over this without people judging without really getting it.
I'm sorry this is an out of the blue one but it's totally taken me from left field and I'm not sure which way is up atm. I'm still struggling a bit.
I'm really not trying to hijack anyone's support I can see a hard time is being had by PPs.
Apologies about the post. I've just had a whole episode and can't speak to DH at all because he unknowingly triggered it just by rescuing our DD's binkie from between the bed and the wall. He would crumble at the thought I could even think it. It's stupid, everything in me knows it's stupid to be feeling like this after feeling...fine, normal for so long. I'm just really worried that anyone I speak to IRL will have unwarranted concerns that really, truely are nowhere but in my head.
Just...does it ever stop?
not 3 days ago I said here I was in a really good place, really happy and now I just feel sick.
I'm sorry, again, thats just all kind of spilled all over. Direction would be welcomed, thank you.

Hi NicNoc, of course you can get support here, don't worry about butting in, I'm sorry you've been struck by a struggle. What is happening? flashbacks? Could you talk here or someplace like rape crisis?
How are you doing?

I'm really sorry. It's the stupidness of it that feels so much like a kick in the teeth. I don't feel I can call a counsellor because of the possible misunderstandings. Right..basically

I am a survivor of childhood abuse, some of which was sexual abuse.
For the last 14 years I have been pulling myself back together and, I think, have done a pretty good job of it - wonderful DH, amazing DCs I thought I would never have etc.

I have been in a really good place, for a long time.

This morning I ended up having a panic attack and telling DH just to go to work I'd be fine.

I had the episode because of, what my rational brain knows to be, such a tiny thing. I walked into our DDs bedroom to help DH get them up and ready. In order to explain I think :

1. I saw him reaching under the duvet to rescue 'binky' from around DD's foot. That is what happened. I saw it with my own eyes.

2. Something translated - I saw him reaching under the duvet of my little girl. My tiny little girl..and just lost it. Completely hulked out then freaked out then hid.

Firstly my DH is a good, loving, decent, kind, funny, gentle man. I have no concerns - at all. I thought..I mean, I still have no concerns I just don't understand. Why now? I have had no issues before I trust him implicitly.

He knows when something is wrong and will want me to out it and talk to stop going into a spiral but I can't tell him; he would just crumble that I think he would ever do that. I just felt so terrified and angry and feel I've lost every second of those 14 years. I felt so small and hopeless but was seconds away from just kicking him away from our little girl. He would be heart broken. And I can't deal with those feelings all at once after all this time over something so fucking stupid. And now I'm worried about speaking to anyone in case they think it's anther case of abused child gets abusive spouse etc. I don't feel anyone is 'safe' with it.
Apologies for post length and language....and idiocy

I just don't knnow what to do...apart from cry.

Nic, big hugs, it sounds like a flashback, you reacted brilliantly even though you had a panic attack. What happened triggered your brain to recall something that happened to you as a child, which is why you are now feeling small and hopeless as you are back to being a child. This is normal for a flashback.
It is nothing to do with your DH but everything to do with the shits who hurt you. I think if he knows you suffered as a child you could say to him that you just remembered something bad.

Tips for flashbacks are called grounding, bringing yourself back to the present, hugging yourself, stomping your feet, telling yourself you are safe now, hot cup of sugary tea, wrap yourself in a nice blanket and look after yourself, treat yourself to a destress day.
You should be so proud of yourself and the life you have, I'm so sorry that happened to you.

Thank you and I am so sorry because I know it's such a tiny everyday thing.

It was just completely overwhelming. To the point that I'm still feeling the hangover. It just feels like such a betrayal of him and I'm getting angrier that everything good I have in DH and the DCs has been tainted, it's been taken away in the same way everything else was taken away by him. Just how very f**ing dare he still be able to do this to me. I'm also angry at myself...or my brain? if that makes any sense, that it would pull a stunt like this over the people that are so precious to me.

I'm really sorry, thank you for taking the time. I will get myself together and tell him exactly that - I couldn't bear to tell him the truth of it but I can't say nothing so yes. I'm sorry I'm so addled, I feel like I've just taken a lumphammer to the gut. So trivial. sincere thanks. It felt like I was going mad.

I understand your anger, it's horrible how much something like that affects you. A doctor/councellor/rape crisis will all understand what you are going through. There is a lot of info on flashbacks on the web if you don't want books laying around. PTSD is also something that you could look at. Hope you're feeling a bit better and you're always welcome here.

Thank you. I'm just sitting here in the duvet having a sniffle now...leaking out the adrenaline and trying to focus on the important things, like a little girl who will be home in a couple of hours.

I did a lot of work to get to my 'good place' I really, really should have known better. But I didn't and then suddenly felt very alone. I think it would be appropriate to check in with someone local and sort this out properly. I think I was more stunned by the reaction than to the actual initial flashback. The fallout seemed insurmountable. I think it indicates a lapse on my part that I need to address.
I'm very lucky in that DH knows everything and understands. It was just..Why him? And that this might affect my children and ugh, just everything.
Thank you for, just a huge thank you for holding my hand. I'm mentally firming up, I know what it was and I can deal with it but even an hour ago I was useless. I keep re-reading your posts - I'm just trying to absorb all the calmness from your words. There aren't enough bunches of flowers in the world really. xx

Hi Nic. So sorry to hear you had such a tough morning. It's not trivial in the slightest, and it's totally understandable. Something small that you connect to your abuse triggered your alarm bells. That feeling of fear and adrenaline is just horrible. The anger that I read in your previous post, anger towards those who abused you is really really healthy, I'm glad you have that. Is your DD around the same age that you were when you were abused?

Thankyou for your thanks :o Glad you're feeling better. It may just be that you weren't in a place ready to deal with that particular thing before but you are now. Your gp should be able to help but waiting lists are long for councelling. Rape crisis are good, you can just phone up or email some funding issues but keep trying
With your DC you could say mummy has had a shock and needs cuddles, cartoons and popcorn, or something just so they know you're a bit poorly but ok?

Hi Cailin, glad your here, x also the freds nearly full.

Hi Coffee x I saw the thread was starting to get full yesterday and I immediately thought "I really hope coffee will be around to remind me" I seem to check and check and then forget as soon as it gets really close to the end!

I'll start a new thread now.

Hi nic perfectly normal reaction imo rape crisis are amazingly good I would highly recommend them and as others on the thread will know I often do without them I wouldn't of got through the last few months xx

New thread is here.

Afternoon everybody!

Hello Nic. So sorry you've had such a terrible morning. For what its worth, you sound very self-aware and and I think you reacted quite well considering the unexpectedness of the flashback and the situation. I've reacted very badly when I've had flashbacks, taking it out on everybody else around me. So I think you ought to take the rest of the day easy, and don't give yourself a hard time. You're not being silly or trivial or acting strangely. Your reaction is perfectly normal and you're dealing with it as best you can.

Just had a call from original DC who started the ball rolling she's been asked to get a victim impact statement really don't want to drag it up neither does she actually said to me how much brighter I sounded and apologised. I knew it would come was asked to keep a diary months ago for it but there's specific questions that have to be asked.