Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 3

[CailinDana]

The first two parts of this thread:
Part 1
Part 2

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

Numb it was not your fault, your 15 and he was twice older. No is no. That's it. Even flirty or not, drunk or not. It was rape. Don't blame yourself. I am so sorry.
What a perv he was. Just cos some men think they spend money that give them the right to have sex.

Hugs

Ineed, don't worry about hijacking the thread, you are very welcome here albeit for horrendous reasons do you feel a bit better for posting, x

Numb, it sounds like you were purposely manipulated and raped, you were a child in a vulnerable position and that man took complete advantage of you, what he did was disgusting, he manipulated you into a drunken state and pushed you to have sex, your employers should have ensured your safety, you were underage, big hugs, x

Hmm. I suppose I always felt i was so close to 16 ND general flirt that 'i desered it' sorry if tha sounds course. but that, i have no real grounds to complain

I think the first step is to understand it was not your fault, no one deserve to be sexually abused, it also took me time to understand that, I felt that I could have said FUCK OFF.
But I cannot beat myself about it, easy said than done, I know when the feeling of guilt is there is too overwhelming.
Hugs

Numb, it's illegal for someone over the age of 18 to have sex with someone under the age of 18.

Even if you were both over the age of 18, being a flirt does not mean a man can have sex with you.

As you were underage, even if you completely agreed it is statutory rape.

You in no way deserved it, you in no way asked for it. You have every right to flirt, kiss, have sex with who you want. You did not want anal sex, he forced you, it was rape.

Hope you're ok, x

Morning everyone.

Thank you for posting numb and Ineedtotell. I'm really glad you felt you could.

Ineed, I'm so sorry to read what happened to you. It should never have happened. Your family totally let you down by not protecting you. I'm so glad that you have an understanding DH, but we all know here how hard it can be. Even if most of the time you feel ok it can really hit you at times. Feel free to just talk about how you're feeling here, if you think it will help.

Numb it broke my heart to hear you blaming yourself for what happened to you. That man was a grown adult in his mid 30s. He targeted a 15 year old, you were nowhere near being a woman, you were barely more than a child. You did not lead him on, you were not in any way responsible for what he did. He raped you. I know it's easy to think you were somehow to blame, but you just weren't believe me.

Had a proper talk this morning I let him know how much he had hurt me I was crying uncontrollably he's promised me he wont do anything as stupid as that, said it had to be my decision or the police's not his or anyone else and that it wasn't just about me either my sisters would be really hurt if they knew he'd done that.

We're going down to the caravan on Monday coming back Friday DS is away to residential for 3 days eldest is coming to make sure he gets down and back and fed the rest of the time.

Going away should keep my mind off the case he's in court a week on Tuesday shouldn't bother me but it does.

Welcome numb and Ineedtotell none of us should need to be here really life throws to much shit at us.

Cailin, big hugs, hope you're having a good day.

Dotty, big hugs, hope you enjoy your holiday.

Big hugs for everyone else/lurkers, x

Numb As has been said by Cailin and Coffee, you were in no way responsible for what happened to you. You were taken advantage of by a man decades older than you. A man who used his strength to overpower, intimidate, and forcibly rape you. A man knows when a woman doesn't really want sex. He knew you did not really consent, and would never have consented to full sex let alone anal. He deliberately targeted you. Such men are after vulnerable women and girls. You have nothing to forgive yourself for, or feel guilty about. Please don't let this bastard off the hook for what he's done by blaming yourself.

Ineed (big hugs) Have you ever received any counselling or asked for any specialist help? It sounds as though you have been internalising quite a lot of very negative and destructive feelings and thoughts, and also that you've developed a very negative image of yourself as worthless, disgusting etc.

'For a very young age I was obsessed with sex. If I was groped at school i couldn't say anything I just froze, people used to say I liked it but I didn't know what to do, I froze. So I was an easy target to be felt up by boys and the vicious circle was even deeper.'

Freezing when you were groped is 'normal' given your prior experiences. It's like post-traumatic shock. You revert to feeling helpless and not in control. You physically remember the sensation of being molested against your will. It doesn't make you a slut or disgusting or mean you enjoyed it.

FWIW The same thing happened to me at work when i was in my twenties. A very popular colleague sexually molested me twice. Once when I was alone with him we started talking and then he said I looked stressed and then started to rub my shoulders...and then he groped my breasts. I just froze.

The second time, we were actually surrounded by other colleagues and this time he put his hand up my skirt and into my knickers. Again I could have outed him - I was actually sitting next to someone else. It's unbelievable how confident this guy was. But again I froze while the tears just poured down my face.

Sorry to talk about me. It's very, very hard for me to write this. But I wanted to reassure you that your reaction is completely understandable and common in people who have suffered a previous sexual assault.

You didn't ask for what your brother put you through, you are a special, good person who deserves nothing but good things in her life. You will never be disgusting or worthless. You are not responsible for anything that's happened to you.

(hugs again)

I was the same Avalon sexually assaulted at 14 his hands all over me but I just stood there sounds so fucking stupid that I did that because I didn't even know what did with him was wrong or abuse it was so normalised.I can still see his face and hear the laugh 27 years later its horrible.

No-one deserves to be abused if your under 16 and a man has sex with you against your will its unlawful sex under 13 is statutary rape. No child is to blame for an adult males sense of entitlement to the female body they aren't sick IMO saying that gives them an excuse and there isn't one we are left with a life sentence as it NEVER goes away I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that I was repeatedly raped as a child and beginning to get better and heal hugs to you all xx

Hugs too Dotty. As you say no one deserves to be used as some mans sex reliever against their will. And yes you're quite right, describing people who do these things as 'sick' does in a way let them off the hook and off responsibility. How is a 14 year old supposed to respond in such a situation? How can she hope to protect herself?!

I'm so glad you're starting to heal.

This is all a bit emotionally over-whelming. New memories resurfacing. Think I'm going off for a bit. XX everybody.

Avalon, gentle big hug, my heart broke reading that, you are such as special lady, as is everyone, similar happened to me last year except I dissociated and had to ask him what he'd done to me. I told him I didn't want to have sex, but not why, broad daylight, public park, ripped my clothes and took me home afterwards. I left him at the car.

Avalon sorry if I've upset you didn't mean to xx

Oh you didn't upset me Dotty xx. I'm sorry if I gave you that impression. Just remembering that crap I went through and my reaction to it. It's no ones fault if something they say triggers thoughts and feelings up from the vault. It's bound to happen on this thread, and sometimes it's positive but sometimes it sucks a little.

But I'm learning that if something really upsets me a lot then I haven't dealt with it properly. DP and I were talking a couple of days ago and DP says I must get help as I am freaking out emotionally to rather minor stuff.

Anyway I can't stay away from this thread for too long. I'll eat too much, and my bottom will just grow larger. Sitting down typing helps to flatten it out a little

I only remember walking hand in hand through a grove of trees, then he shoved me off the path and into a tree winding me, at one point it hurt so much I cried out. Lifes really shit sometimes. Absolutely nothing to do with child abuse though soz for derailing the fred :o

Don't be sorry Coffee still hurts you, I used to think I had victim stamped on my head as I seemed to attract arseholes and abusers when I was young. Luckily I met DH at 18 was with the older guy for over 2 years and looking back he targeted me from 15 years old its the words he used I'd forgotten it until recently he just took whatever whenever he wanted also had a friend of his 'take me out to try it on' and I went back for more didn't know any better I guess. Ashamed to say I also slept with a couple despite them be honest about using women one in the back of a car that one I never saw again another I avoided for years and we made up eventually but he unfortunately died of a heart attack aged 39 was a lovely family man . Fuck knows where I'd be now if I hadn't met DH he has done some stupid ill thought out things but only because he wanted to make things right. xx

Speaking up can really trigger all kind of emotion. when I first started talking to dh he did not know what to say but he always listened. I think I educate him about sexual abuse. He is not a bad man but at 2 occasions he made some very stupid comment and I went ballistic. i told him how sexual abuse is a life sentence, something that you have to live with, and wish it never happened, wish you didn't have to lay and endure it. He felt so sorry and sad.

It was late I was with dc 1 and 2 waiting at for dh when some loser approach me and told that if i ever wanted another dc i could count on him. I ignored him, dc 1 was upset, i was devastated and started to feel all those kind of accusations in my head, when dh came I told him. He answer was: sometimes you look like the perfect target.... I was mad I thought I would leave him, I told him another one and you and I are over.

But recently at work he had to deal with a case of sexual misconduct, an old dirty bastard trying to force a young employee to have sex just because he paid for her drinks. He was very aggressive when she said no, and she got scared. The day after, she didn't want to speak up, DH made her understand that he was listening and it was not her fault, she didn't want to press charges, but anyway the bastard was force to resign because he was in a position of management. I was proud of him. I think he got the point.

caitlin, dotty, coffee, numb, avalon how are you today?

coffee I am sorry for what happened

Thank you for listening and caitlin thank you for starting the thread,

It's good to talk about what happened Coffee, there's no need to apologise. I'm really sorry it happened. Bloody bastard

My day was good, but busy. I'm off out tomorrow so I was trying to get the house in some sort of order and DS was not a happy bunny due to teething and a cold. Had a nice curry and some beer so all is well with the world again :)

Over the years the type of attitude some seemingly nice normal people can have about rape and sexual abuse has really amazed me. Things people I considered friends have hurt so much, even though they didn't intend it, and I actually finished one friendship because of what the guy said. It can make you see someone in a whole new light when they come out with some ridiculous crap makes you think they don't understand at all, or worse still that they in some way feel you are responsible for what happened.

Well done to your DH for being so understanding to his work colleague and for making sure the old guy lost his job. Positive stories like that are a real boost, they reassure me that there are people out there who understand and are willing to actually do something to help victims.

I'm glad you're finding the thread helpful Ineed. How are you feeling?

That should be "Things people I considered friends have said have hurt so much"

You defo haven't derailed the thread coffee. God I'm sorry you endured that. Thanks for the hug too x

Ineed I'm really glad that you've managed to help your DP understand the impact of sexual abuse. I talk to my DP, we've had a few rows recently, got our wires crossed a few times. We talked a few days ago, he listened really well and I explained that I'm struggling not to go to dark places right now, and that memories and feelings are being triggered by stuff he does and stuff in general.

Like a couple of days ago I locked the bathroom door. I was feeling a bit fragile and it felt like there was a shadow over the day. I suddenly felt the need to control everything around me. That's why I locked the door. Don't usually as it was just DP in the house.

Anyway DP came up - I think to have a look at me naked in the bath - which I might have enjoyed on another day. He sees bathroom door is locked. I say 'hey I need to just be alone right now', but he thought I wasn't serious and wanted to use the loo, so he goes ahead and unlocks the door from the outside (we have a stupid turning lock)

I flipped the hell out. I just remembered all the times my abuser would come into the bathroom when i was in there and how out of control I felt.

DP didn't understand why I was so upset. And I felt I couldn't explain why because I'd be saying he reminded me of him which would devastate him. So I blamed my bad mood on an earlier inconsequential event instead.

I am screwing up my relationship

Cailin I feel better, today was a good day. DH still at work so manege to take all the dcs out without losing my temper.

I feel this thread is my counselling, I feel understood.

Avalon I totally understand you, sometimes I snap at DH an the dcs.
Sometimes dh likes to touch my bum when passing by me, some days i really enjoy it, some days i tell him to get off that i am not a slut.

I still don't like to speak about, i try to talk to a friend years ago, but her reaction was to ask me the details, at that point i just changed the subject and never open up again til yesterday.

Courage ladies! you all amazing sharing those stories.

Avalon :( Would it be worth considering going for counselling as a couple?

I'm glad to hear you had a good day Ineed.

I'm not sure Cailin. I can't see DP opening up to talk about joint stuff. He's been to counselling himself years ago for a separate issue and says I should go too, it worked for him and now is the right time, and I'm thinking about that.