Well I have been debating with myself whether I should post or not. But I think I hid it for too long.
I am sorry to hijacked your thread but I think I need to speak about it. I read most of the threads so sorry if I missed something.
If need to get over the feeling of shame that it's consuming me.
I have been sexually abused by my half brother as far I remembered and it lasted until I was around 13 when I told him to fuck off and never touch me again. Well should have done that earlier cos it worked.
What i am really pissed of about is that some member of my family had a feeling of what was going on but no one did anything about it. And the occasions were I was left alone with him were too many, he was 7 years older than me.
I always felt so bad ashamed and disgusted about it, I knew I was not normal. I suffered from very very low self esteem throughout my life. But i just lay there waiting for him to finish. he used to say that it was normal, people in love do that and that I enjoyed that, I liked it so therefore I was asking for it.
For a very young age I was obsessed with sex. If I was groped at school i couldn't say anything I just froze, people used to say I liked it but I didn't know what to do, I froze. So I was an easy target to be felt up by boys and the vicious circle was even deeper.
When I started dating I didn't know how to behave in a relationship so I was used for sex many times, tossers who would bullshit me to get me in bed and I couldn't say no, I just slept with them, I didn't want to. Again just lay there waiting for them to finish and after branded as an easy girl or slut
After sex I would be so ashamed embarrassed dirty, I just hated myself, contemplating suicide. i used to think I was ugly stupid good for nothing and every time I remembered the abuses I was going insane, couldn't talk to anyone just having meltdowns. My family used to think that I was stupid I should do better in life but couldn't understand why I was the way I was.
Luckily my dad kicked him out for some other reasons. I used to hate him. i plot a little revenge and it worked, but felt even craper about it cos I know that he had been abused too by other family member, more physical and emotional. What a lovely family I have hey!
I meet DH 10 years ago and I talked to him, he understands and support me. Our sex life was very hard at first, but we slowly getting there but still some days I think about it and I feel sick disgusted with myself, I want to dig a hole and disappear. I have to be strong for my ddcs.....
If you still there thank for listening