Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 3

[CailinDana]

The first two parts of this thread:
Part 1
Part 2

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

What story do they want to get in a paper?

No they want him bloody named and shamed they know how much damage he did both want to kill him, but its not up to them or me its down to the police they could jepardise so much by doing it. Just all over the place again

Can you ask your DC to have a word with them?

She's down lancashire and cousins in Plymouth

That's really insensitive of them dotty. Have you said what a bad idea it is?

If you could phone your DC, explain to her they want to go to the papers she should be able to phone your cousin and DH. If he's named now they'll jepodise the case. The police should be able to do something?

Feel horrible for looking at his phone never been a problem we don't hide our phones from each other, they did it behind my back i've been bloody ill and my shoulders bad again don't need all this crap been told i'm at risk of a frozen shoulder because of the injury i've got thanks to DS. I think i'll phone her tommorrow going to look bloody pathetic and a fool

Have they just talked about it or have they done something?

definately think they've tried one message was something like day 3 nothing in *** another was njumber of local paper in text to cousin blew my top over it says he's done nothing wrong told him i'm ready to piss off

I can totally understand why you feel that way dotty. That is incredibly stupid of them. I think you definitely do need to contact your DC tomorrow.

One of the rape myths being perpetuated by the Ched Evans case is "mentally ill" women make false claims of rape and "it isn't rape if there's no conviction"

So, I'm mentally ill and the perpertrator hasn't been convicted so by that thinking I'm making everything up.

I would like to take the case to court but he's dead. So it's all just a figment of my imagination

Coffee some of those are off their trolleys anyway only a small percentage of rape/sexual abuse is reported wonder why with attitudes like that I regret it hugely

There is something about rape and sexual abuse that causes people to disbelieve the victim in a way that they just don't do with other crimes. It's bloody sickening and just makes the suffering of people who have been through something horrendous that much worse. It makes me so angry.

Coffee, I'm so sorry. I think it's very easy for perpetrators and their supporters to fling around accusations of mental illness, as it's an easy way to deflect attention, and it's easy to plant doubt in people's minds that way.

It's horrible but I do think a lot of people would rather believe someone was ill than telling the truth about rape and abuse. It brings it too close to home. people would far rather cling on to the myth that rapists and abusers are strange men lurking behind bushes, rather than statistically, someone connected to the victim. The reality that it could happen to any of us is too uncomfortable for them.

The irony is that people who are already hugely traumatised, have that trauma compounded by having their sanity questioned. And speaking from personal experience, if enough people deny your reality, your grip on it will start to slip a bit.

Dotty, so sorry you are having a difficult time - huge hug from me

There's a very tiny minority of people in the world, who like to lurk about on news stories about sexual violence, or discussion forums, just so they can spout vile crap. They are the same kind of people who abuse in real life.

The vast majority of people would never question you if you said you were abused as a child. They may not handle it well, they may not feel able to offer you as much support as they assume you need, or feel inadequate to offer the right kind of support, but very few would disbelieve you.

That's why every Catholic church in Ireland is almost empty now, except for a few die-hard old folk - because almost every person in the country took it seriously and believed the victims, and are angry at those who tried to cover it up and blame the victims.

On a lighter note, I was thinking about what you said, Dandelion, about when it's too late to start again and have a better life (answer: Never!).

I was at a Writers' group last night, and one guy is writing a book based on some of his experiences as a teenager. When he was seventeen, he vowed he would follow a particular career path, but instead did the sensible thing and took a 'proper job'.

Twenty five years later, he dropped out, did a college course and pursued the career of his dreams. He has no regrets at all, and didn't feel it was too late, just enjoyed his new life from that moment on.

I know it's a very different kind of 'new start', but hope some of you might find some inspiration there x

Berts as I said I'm starting afresh but its so up and down at the moment had to get out today not been like that for ages especially felt bad after everything going well should learn that it always comes crashing down around me by now I'm just a bleedin stupid fool I know.

You're not a bleedin' stupid fool, as any fewl no

Next time you want to berate yourself for being stupid, think about whether you would ever speak to a friend that way. You wouldn't, would you? It would make her feel worse.

Your DH and cousin are trying to help, but THEY have been incredibly stupid about it. You need to sit them down (or phone them up) and explain very slowly that their actions could endanger your court case but, more importantly, being abused as a child is about control being taken away from you. When they make decisions like this without asking you, they take control away from you. It's very frightening and upsetting.

I'm sure they wouldn't have done this if they'd known how much it would hurt you, but they just hate your abuser and want to hurt him.

No newspaper will print this stuff anyway - they will be highly aware of the legal situation.

Hello everyone!

Hi Don'tknow, Welcome back, lovely to have you again(hugs)

Hugs Dotty Just when you think you've got enough on the plate, someone goes and adds another dollop of stuff for you to deal with. You're definately no fool, don't be hard on yourself. For what it's worth you really inspire me; you're so bravely dealing with things. Now me, I'd go to bed and stay there with the duvet over my head. Not half as brave! Working on it though.

Hugs Dandelion Sorry for your experiences, keep hanging around here, everyone here is so lovely - I think we may be the nicest thread (in terms of contributions if not subject matter) on Mumsnet Plus it's really helpful to find others who understand.

Like you I had to live with my abuser and continue to see my abuser until one day he left. He started abusing me when I was 11, and even though I left home at 18, I had to see him every time I visited my family, every time there was a social occasion. He would even try to molest me when I was visiting family.

I have since struggled a great deal with the fact that it all seemed so 'normal' to see him and be molested by him that I continued to put up with him being around even after I'd left home. In fact growing up with my abuser meant I had no time to feel angry, upset hurt, I existed in emotional auto-pilot. He would molest me upstairs and then we'd all come downstairs and eat dinner together like it never happened. It all became normalised.

For ages I felt very confused about my abuser and still do. He was more a 'Dad' to me with my father not around much, was generous, funny blah blah. I didn't hate him at the time. I suppose I separated the abuse so that I could care for him as a step dad and carry on in the family - which I was terrified of losing - and trivialise the awful things he was doing to me.

It has messed me up mentally quite a bit. Sometimes I wish he was dead. Sometimes I wonder if he's alright. I am gradually though becoming more and more angry. I think being in a stable place in my life is finally allowing me to feel stuff properly. Although it means I still feel like that 11 year old girl sometimes. Quite difficult for me and my DP at the moment.

Avalon thanks but in reality I just want to run away and hide where no-one can find me can't cause DS needs me though.

Berts can't bring myself to talk to DH he keeps asking if i'm ok and he gets the same answer i'm fine just so damn hurt we where meant to be going away monday coming back friday glad i've not booked it as I couldn't face it not with him. With my cousin he and I are so close just can't believe he's gone behind my back to wish i'd never looked at his fecking phone we both supposedly have no secrets.

Pink my bottom is seriously large. Everything I eat goes there. I run round the park several times a week, but all it does is maintain the status quo. Well so far. I'm trying not to buy sugar laden rubbish, but I just end up making it at home instead. Victoria Sponge with extra jam and cream anyone?

thinks to self "do not be lured by victoria sponge. do not be lured by victoria sponge. go for a run. go for a run".

I'm not surprised you feel that way dotty. I think I would feel exactly the same if I were you. What on earth were they thinking?? I really angry on your behalf

Avalon please please please will you email me some Victoria Sponge?

I make a fab CHOCOLATE VICTORIA sponge decorated with chocolate buttercream fingers, maltesers and smarties.