Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 3

999 replies

CailinDana · 16/04/2012 17:38

The first two parts of this thread:
Part 1
Part 2

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

OP posts:
Original poster
CailinDana · 06/05/2012 08:44

That would be a good first step I think. Dealing with a partner and sexual stuff is a minefield. I often hide how I feel from my DH which I know isn't really a good thing. I don't know what else to do - I feel like telling him certain things remind me of the abuse is just too much.

One thing I would advise is to sit down with your DP and tell him that he needs to respect your space at all times. When you said not to come into the bathroom he should have listened. That's quite a simple tactic that might help. If you know that once you tell him to back off he will do so straight away it might help you feel safe. What do you think?

OP posts:
TheMistsOfAvalon · 06/05/2012 09:09

Thanks Cailin! I think that that would really help. So simple but hadn't thought of just telling DP he really needs to respect my space. I know it will make me calm down and feel safer.

I love the way people on this thread just get things!Smile

I'll talk to him when he gets back next week.

I too hide stuff from my DP for exactly the same reason. Becomes a bit difficult to explain why I've 'suddenly switched' moods sometimes though. (Big Sigh)

Berts · 06/05/2012 10:21

Hi Ineed and Numb and welcome!

Ineed, you sound like you're still blaming yourself a little bit, saying 'I should have told him to fuck off before'. You were 13 - how could you have known how to deal with it?

It's similar with you, Numb. At fifteen, you didn't have the life experience to deal with a much older person plying you with drink and pushing himself onto you.

I guess we all try to take some of the blame because, if it were our fault, then at least we had some sort of control. It's actually harder to admit that we had no control in the situation. But then you get eaten up inside with the conflict between what you instinctively know (I was abused) and what you told yourself at the time to help you deal with it (I led him on; I could have taken control; he's still a member of my family and I love him, or I have to live with him).

We have to learn to trust our instincts again, as scary as it might be to admit fully that something awful was done to us that we couldn't control at all. That's the howling darkness at the centre of the abyss that we're trying to look away from, but truth is our only way out of here.

TheMistsOfAvalon · 06/05/2012 10:25

Morning BertsSmile How are you today? Your posts are so lovely, thank you so much for them.

dottyspotty2 · 06/05/2012 10:37

Avalon before I went for counselling DH and I had a real volatile relationship 99% down to me I was such a nasty, angry bitter person but never realised it. It really has changed my life for the better for one thing I've learned to cry and release all the pain and emotion and I've finally told him exactly what happened he knew about the basics what age I was and me being hospitalised at 12 etc but not the full story. Apart from this little blip this last week we have a great relationship now except the physical side used to be good but not since I disclosed the abuse 7 months ago. I still don't know why I did it maybe it was a right time for me and it was eating me up so badly it's all I thought about every waking moment I hardly think about it now which is a good thing. Maybe if it goes to trial which in a way I hope it does it will get bad again think it probably will, but you know what I've come through it once I know I can do it again if necessary.

TheMistsOfAvalon · 06/05/2012 21:22

Dotty I know some of our issues are also down to me. I am feeling angry and resentful over all the time I've wasted in my life feeling sad and depressed. About all the potential I never reached. Goals I never achieved. Time spent hating myself. I feel robbed. I'm bringing all this into the now when it should stay in the past. I'm not doing it deliberately, but I am doing it nevertheless and I should listen to DP, and my own advice, and get counselling, but afraid of doing so.

dottyspotty2 · 06/05/2012 21:35

Avalon sorry wasn't blaming you at least you know your doing it I didn't I robbed my kids of a good mother growing up because of my issues they had a good childhood where loved but it's not the same as having a good parent is it, still feel guilty over that xx

dottyspotty2 · 06/05/2012 21:37

Counselling is scary I won't lie to you it makes you get in touch with your inner child and emotions only then can you start to heal Smile best thing I ever did.

TheMistsOfAvalon · 06/05/2012 21:48

Did you get all your counselling through Rape Crisis Dotty? Do they only help you if you were physically raped? I keep thinking about phoning them. Although DP says go to the Doctor again, which I don't fancy. Didn't work last time.

dottyspotty2 · 06/05/2012 22:03

No they do counselling specifically for childhood abuse Avalon I had the added benefit of my counseller being a PTSD counseller in her fulltime job their all volunteers at rape crisis centres.

Original poster
CailinDana · 06/05/2012 22:09

Building yourself up to having counselling is a process, I think Avalon. I think you will get to a point where you feel ready to do it. I feel like you're nearly there. It's not an easy thing to approach and I think for most people the first few sessions are very very hard but it can be fantastic. I've been building up to seeking another round of counselling for myself, but I'm not quite ready yet. I think I will be soon.

OP posts:
dottyspotty2 · 06/05/2012 22:13

For me Cailin I didn't have much choice really, I was in such a bad way that I needed it I'd opened the floodgates and couldn't cope with life anymore.

dottyspotty2 · 07/05/2012 07:26

Morning all up early for a bank holiday DH and I are off to Devon until Friday 7 and half hour drive. Ds goes to residential tomorrow so were treating it as respite as can't see us getting any in the summer will need to keep any in case of court case x

dottyspotty2 · 07/05/2012 07:26

Morning all up early for a bank holiday DH and I are off to Devon until Friday 7 and half hour drive. Ds goes to residential tomorrow so were treating it as respite as can't see us getting any in the summer will need to keep any in case of court case x

Original poster
CailinDana · 07/05/2012 07:29

The best most effective counselling I had was when I was at my lowest ebb too dotty. Perhaps that was the time that I was most willing to face things, when I had no more fight to put up any more.

Hope everyone is ok this morning :)

OP posts:
Original poster
CailinDana · 07/05/2012 07:30

X-posted dotty. Weird!

That's a loooong journey. Are you looking forward to the trip?

OP posts:
dottyspotty2 · 07/05/2012 07:38

Yes I am now we've not had us time since last Julywhen we sent to the F1DD1 and her BF got us it for the christmas, last holiday we had was at the start of this before my statement I was ill the stress caused a bad bout of IBS and my eating was already failing DH lost it with me over it just weren't getting on at all. It's our touring caravan were going to just need a base so we can sleep and get breakfast etc its only an hour from his dad and step mum which will be the first time we'll have seen them without any kids in tow. x

Original poster
CailinDana · 07/05/2012 07:49

Sounds good. I hope your journey goes well :)

OP posts:
Berts · 07/05/2012 07:51

Aw, thanks Mists Blush - I'm glad if you find them helpful.

Hey Dotty, dont beat yourself up about your parenting - if your kids knew they were loved and safe, that's all you really need. All parents fuck up some stuff, but knowing you are loved and cared for is the fundamentals x Have a lovely trip!

TheMistsOfAvalon · 07/05/2012 09:22

Have a lovely lovely break Dotty! Devon is gorgeous.

StuckintheBellJar · 07/05/2012 14:25

Can I barge in? I posted my own thread on this:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1467285-How-do-I-move-on-from-this?msgid=31625586#31625586

Before I realised this was already here. I'm saddened that there are so many of us.

Original poster
CailinDana · 07/05/2012 14:47

Hi Stuck. I read your other thread, I'm glad you posted here.

I hope you don't mind me responding to some of the things you said on your other thread. It's totally normal for you to still be suffering from the after effects of what happened to you. What your stepfather did was completely wrong and it should never ever have happened. The thing you describe of acting it out with other people is also normal, a lot of abuse survivors find themselves doing that.

How are you feeling having posted about it? Would you like to talk more about what happened?

OP posts:
dottyspotty2 · 07/05/2012 14:48

Welcome I just had a quick look no way are you to blame it is bound to still affect you I'm 41 and still really affected by it, it can affect every aspect of your life without you even realising. Your dr won't be that surprised most are very supportive if you don't feel comfortable with a male gp is there a female you can go and talk to xx

StuckintheBellJar · 07/05/2012 15:04

Acting out is normal? I thought I was just a nutcase. I suppose I am really. I've always blamed myself for it. There were a lot of his friends in and out and a few did make passes at me. Always when alone and usually when I was drunk.

It's crazy, my family doesn't fit the daily mail stereotype of a disfunctional family. All professional, all very well educated and well read. Nobody would guess. I think that almost makes it harder to deal with. Makes me look like a prima donna.

I had a very good start in life and should be grateful.

Original poster
CailinDana · 07/05/2012 15:15

Yes, acting out is normal. A lot of survivors end up in relationships that mirror the original abusive relationship. You're not a nutcase. A person you should have been able to trust hurt you extremely badly, broke your trust and abused you. The way you reacted to that is entirely normal and totally understandable.

Even feeling guilty and trying to blame yourself is normal. You were not to blame, not even a tiny little bit. You have nothing to feel guilty about. What your stepfather did was entirely and utterly wrong. You were not responsible for it.

OP posts: