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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 3

999 replies

CailinDana · 16/04/2012 17:38

The first two parts of this thread:
Part 1
Part 2

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

OP posts:
StuckintheBellJar · 07/05/2012 15:20

The human brain is really strange. Horrible thing happens and what does your subconscious do? Make you physically relive it again and again...

I've had a rough weekend, got drunk and guess what.... Urgh.

I'm sure I'm ready to discuss this with a male, middle aged doctor. He's a nice man and I'm sure he's seen it all before, but...

StuckintheBellJar · 07/05/2012 15:20

*not sure

CailinDana · 07/05/2012 15:24

What happened at the weekend Stuck?

Could you ask to see a female doctor? Or if you'd rather not go to the GP you could contact Rape Crisis?

OP posts:
StuckintheBellJar · 07/05/2012 15:31

Oh I wasn't raped this weekend. The chap involved was a perfect gentlemen - even slightly confused by my drunken advances. Nobody is hurting me now except myself.

CailinDana · 07/05/2012 15:33

What would you like to happen, ideally?

OP posts:
StuckintheBellJar · 07/05/2012 15:39

i'd like to stop doing the drunken, random, stranger sex thing. I'd like to be able to enjoy sex and stop faking it. I'd like to have a normal, happy relationship with a nice chap. I'd like to stop being disgusted with myself and to actually believe a man if he says he fancies me or loves me. I think they're all lying and treat them like the nasty, lying scum that they appear to me to be.

I'm quite, quite mad.

StuckintheBellJar · 07/05/2012 15:43

I've even physically attacked someone for making a pass at me once.

CailinDana · 07/05/2012 15:47

Nothing you're saying sounds mad to me at all. It sounds very familiar. I think if you read some of the thread you'll realise that nothing you've done or feel is unusual or mad.

It seems to me like you're getting the point where you're ready to deal with what happened to you. Do you agree?

OP posts:
StuckintheBellJar · 07/05/2012 15:52

I've been reading. It's all so sad.

Something happened this weekend. Not sure what. Somehow, I've pulled my head out of the sand. Not sure why. I've recently gone on AD for other reasons and somehow it's given me the ability to think straight.

Something has shifted.

I'm very glad that this thread is here. I'm feeling slightly less like freak of the year.

CailinDana · 07/05/2012 15:57

Do you feel ready to face having counselling?

OP posts:
StuckintheBellJar · 07/05/2012 15:57

There is a lot here that strikes a chord. Particular about self-esteem and self-critism. I hold myself to insane standards and then despise myself when I inevitably fall short.

CailinDana · 07/05/2012 16:02

It's really great that you're starting to recognise these things, that's a huge first step towards overcoming them. It's not easy but it's definitely worth it.

OP posts:
CoffeeAhorlicksAnonymous · 07/05/2012 16:10

Hi Stuck,

I'm so sorry for what you have been through as a child. What is happening to you now is not mad. You're having a normal reaction to an abnormal situation.

Can you say that? "I'm having a normal reaction to an abnormal situation"

You have so much bravery and strength but, as with a lot of survivors, the way you are behaving is hurting you.

Do you have an addiction to alcohol? Getting help for that, in the first instance might help. Addiction clinics will have experience of survivors.

CoffeeAhorlicksAnonymous · 07/05/2012 16:16

And stop reading the daily mail :o meant in the nicest way possible it's just biased fluff.

Big hugs, I hope you can get your dreams, they're similar to mine. It is achievable but can be hard work. I hope you get through this and come out the other side.

StuckintheBellJar · 07/05/2012 16:51

I'm not an alcoholic. Sometimes I don't drink for months at a time. But when I do, I drink alot.

I'm not a natural Daily Fail reader - I'm a guardian reader! Lentil-weavers ahoy!

I keep reading through what I wrote in my other thread. Even though I know logically that it's true, it still reads like it's somebody else. It's hard to accept that, that is really me. My head is spinning.

CailinDana · 07/05/2012 16:53

Perhaps you have it in your mind what an abuse survivor should be like? And it doesn't fit with how you view yourself?

OP posts:
StuckintheBellJar · 07/05/2012 16:56

I suppose that since the rest of my life (apart from my 'love' life) is fine, then it couldn't have been that bad?

I should be living on the streets and crying my eyes out constantly. This is all maddness I know. Even potentially offensive.

CailinDana · 07/05/2012 16:58

No I don't think it's offensive. Where do you think you go the idea that you should be living on the streets? FWIW I have an extremely normal life too, you would never know that anything bad had ever happened to me unless I told you.

OP posts:
CoffeeAhorlicksAnonymous · 07/05/2012 17:37

When I started therapy I found it hard to register what my therapist wrote to be me. It reads like a movie and I still find it hard to accept that was me.

You drink like I used too. I had to stop and now only have a drink once or twice a year. I was self medicating in social situations.

There are a few multi millionaire businessmen who are survivors, anybody could be a survivor. I come from a rich family, background has no relevance unfortunately.

Berts · 07/05/2012 20:39

Hi Stuck, and welcome Smile

Maybe you're finally starting to think about this, address it, discuss it because you are ready to stop blaming yourself and to have a better life? Counselling will be hard - we were discussing earlier that often it's easier to blame yourself, because it makes you feel you had some 'control' and - in a way - it's scarier to face up to the reality that you had none.

You've built up a lot of coping mechanisms to try to normalise the horror and this has helped you to survive, but you don't need or want those mechanisms any more, so everything's coming to the surface.

If you do go to your GP, you don't have to discuss everything in detail, you can just say you want a referral to a counsellor, and preferably one who specialises in childhood sexual abuse. Do keep in mind that NHS waiting lists for counselling are MASSIVE: you may have to wait months for six weekly sessions and then get spewed out onto the waiting list again.

You don't have to go to your GP at all if you prefer not to; you can go directly to Rape Crisis and get a referral. They may also have contacts for suitable private counsellors if you prefer to go private and that way you can see someone pretty much straight away, and keep seeing the same counsellor for as long as you need to (definitely not the case if you go NHS).

You're not mad, you're not weird and you're not ungrateful. You are reacting normally to having literally survived hell. You should be proud of yourself for coping as well as you have.

And remember, there's no 'typical' victim - Laurence of Arabia was a victim of sexual violence, and he turned out okay.

dottyspotty2 · 08/05/2012 09:41

We weren't a typical abusive family with us it was a brother but father ruled the house with fear as well yet he was the pillar of the community active in church and school.

I've not long finished fantastic counselling at rape crisis don't know if it was the right thing to do to finish it but most things i'm ok with except the physical side with DH I just sob when we do anything but I need to let him.

CailinDana · 08/05/2012 10:15

I'm not sure there is a "typical" abusive family. From the outside my family looked pretty perfect, but really my parents were totally disengaged from us and that was partly the reason that my abuser (not a family member) had the opportunity to abuse me. If my parents had actually paid any attention to us it would probably have been fairly obvious what was going on.

Have you always had a problem with the physical side of things dotty, or is that a recent thing?

OP posts:
dottyspotty2 · 08/05/2012 10:34

No neither do I Cailin what is a typical family every family is different anyway.

Quite the opposite until I disclosed to the police never been able to 'let go' so to speak but its the lead up as well now can't stop the tears told him to find someone else only time I manage it ok is if its a 'quickie' and I cant see him feel so screwed up on that side of things. Felt different every time we've tried first time was searing pain but it wasn't physical but repressed memories.
He's so gentle and loving as well has never ever hurt me.

CailinDana · 08/05/2012 10:42

How does your DH feel about it dotty?

OP posts:
dottyspotty2 · 08/05/2012 12:10

He now knows keeps asking what's wrong but I don't even know why it happens just does don't want it to told him I'm screwed up in the head its funny because part of the reason I did it was constant pressure off him to report him he wanted to do it but he would of been laughed out of the station wasn't his place.