feel betrayed after what I've just seen about 'd'p on facebook

[abbeylockhart]

Not an affair but feels like a similar betrayal.

Background:
2 years ago I had a big falling out with DP's DB. DB was so overwhelmingly in the wrong that even his DP and DM sided with me. I gave DP a him or me ultimatum and he chose me.
His name has never been mentioned again (in my presence at least) by DP or DMIL (who I get on with v well). tbh I never expected DP to never see DB again but the subject never came up. A few months later I did find some stuff of ours that was at DB's and that he had obviously got back from him but nothing was ever said. DMIL said recently that she hadn't seen DB's DCs since 'the incident', which I was surprised at but didn't comment on.

Today:
A cousin of theirs has put up on facebook (yes I know, facebook is the root of all evil) that it was nice to meet up with DP and BIL. This was presumably when I was away over the weekend.

AIBU to feel betrayed? How can I trust DP when he has gone behind my back like this? FWIW I'm not banning him from ever seeing BIL again but it's the lying that has hurt me. If he has hidden this from me (he said he was working) what else is he hiding? If he is in contact with BIL then why hasnt he asked/demanded an apology on my behalf?

I'm seething at this. Cant even look at DP. He knows something's up but I dont want to open this big can of worms.

Help!

At some stage you have to let it go, blood is thicker than water, and you cannot come beween them forever. You shouldn't be asking him to make a choice either that is wrong.

It is time now to move on and put it behind you. He hasn't told you because he knows how you will react, so far better to say nothing at all in this case.

Besides, you only have one family, you can have many wives

Perhaps he knows that if he told you he'd seen his brother, then you'd go mad?

Not saying he's right, bit rock and hard place springs to mind.

Poor thing. Sounds very stressful, however to really give you an opinion re. whether you are being unreasonable, I would need to know the background

Without knowing the details of what you fell out over I would say you've put your DP in a very difficult position. You are his partner but his brother also holds a place in his life. He should've told you of his intentions but maybe he didn't want to suffer the fallout?

I think that all you can ask is that he doesn't involve you in these meet ups.

Sounds tough, but I think the only answer IS to open up the big can of worms and ask him about it. Or else you'll go on seething.
Obviously don't know the background, but maybe he felt it was time to forgive?

FWIW I'm not banning him from ever seeing BIL again but it's the lying that has hurt me

But you did didn't you? You gave him an ultimatum him or me. So what was that?

I understand the lying has annoyed you. But I'm also not one for spouses trying to cut family members out. What exactly did he do?

Its his brother and the issue is obviously impacting on the wider family if it means his mother hasnt seen her GC since!

Sounds like your DP is damned if he does.....

I think you are being unfair to expect your DP to never see his brother again, but without knowing what you fell out over its hard to say really.

What was the row you had about?

I don't think forcing him to chose was ever the way to go. Because then how would you know whether he's supporting you because he's your partner, because he respects your feelings, because he wants to show a united front or because his big bad wife told him to?!

Bit confused, did your MIL say she hasn't seen the kids because of the falling out because that's so sad!

You might be a bit U in the sense that this is his brother and maybe he thinks there was fault on both sides and he's afraid to tell you he has seen him?

What did he do?

Not going to give all the backstory here because it would be too identifying BUT I did put what happened on MN at the time and the consensus was that not only was I justified in giving ultimatum but that DP was totally unjustified for not sticking up for me at the time, not demanding an apology, and to even put me in the position of having to say 'him or me'. You will have to just take my word for it.

Time does heal and I am a forgiving person. If DP had come to me and discussed them meeting up I would have said 'I want an apology but then it's ok'. What I'm angry at now is that DP has LIED to me, sneaked off behind my back. THAT is the issue, not the actual meeting up IYKWIM.

Ok so he probably knows his DB won't apologise and if you're demanding an apology then it's a bit of a catch 22? I would imagine that he didn't do it with any intention of hurting or betraying you, but probably wants to see his brother and have an easy life!

TBH, I can imagine the odd hysterical saying to you "tell him, him or me".

Most people as you can see from this thread, don't really advise or take well to ultimatums to cut blood family members out.

The thing is, if anything, atm, you are the one who is looking really unreasonable, forcing him to chose. As you'd already given him that ultimatum. So what was he to do? If he saw his db, you'd already told him "him or me" that would have been curtains no? You gave him the ultimatum!

Some families have epic rows. But sometimes it takes the bigger person to back down. Ultimatums aren't really the way. Short of some really serious things I can think of. Family is always family.

I don't think you'll get much help as people can't see why you'd give such an ultimatum. So they kind of feel sorry for him. You said "him or me". That's a clear choice that you gave him. No wonder he hid seeing his own DB.

I think you have to accept that he is likely to want a relationship with his brother, even if he doesnt apoligise, and knowing that this is what you insist upon makes him have to lie. It's not ideal but you cant really blame him (well, depending what happened) for wanting to have a relationship with his brother.

Ultimatums rarely end well.

He shouldn't have hidden it from you, but I understand fully why he wanted to see his brother (no matter what) and you had previously made him choose between to two of you, which was unfair IMO. It left him in the position that if he wanted to be part of his family properly, he had to lie to you.

For all you know he has discussed the incident with his brother and now understands better what was behind it/ his brother's frame of mind at the time/ even why it wasn't all his brother's fault, but because of the ultimatum you issued, he can't tell you about it.

FWIW I wouldn't want to be with some one who said "him or me" about any family member of mine, no matter what they'd done. In a family it can/should always be resolved. (OK don't know the circumstances and perhaps not always, but your DH obviously thinks it can/ wants it to be in this case)

Oh FFS! Talk about kicking someone when they're down.

It wasnt some ongoing ultimatum, I never said never see him again, just in the heat of it said who's side are you on his or mine. Given that bil is a violent psycho HIS OWN MOTHER wases herself of him ( not at my request btw) it is not unreasonable for me to want dp to discuss this wit& me. Isnt that how relationships work? Communication? It's the fact that he has gone behind my back. He KNOWS how important honesty is to me but he chose to lie to me when he wasnt in any way forced to.

No one IS trying to understand. My whole family/ life feels like it has just fallen apart. When i first told the story on here mners were telling me to leave dp there and then for not defending me.

In retrospect i shouldnt have used the word ultimatum on this thread as it wasnt as concrete as that. I NEVER made him permanently choose between us.

Im not some new gf, we are life partners, been together several years, have kids etc. Shouldnt dps/ dhs prioritise their own families over one rouge member of their birth family?

it sounds like you need to tell about the falling out/BiLs behaviour for people to get a better picture then?

I understand
BIL did something really shit to you which DH should have naturally stuck up for you...but he didn't.... that's a hard thing to deal with.

Now DH has seen BIL without telling you... he should have talked it through with you..

So I guess you feel let down a second time and again your feelings aren't important. Like its almost acceptable what BIL did. We'll sweep it all under the carpet and just not tell Abbey

do you mean your whole life/family feels like it has fallen apart BECAUSE your dh went behind your back to see your brother? or because of the falling out? or summat else?