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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

cant get over some of the things hes said to me

49 replies

alwaysblue · 18/10/2011 16:46

was reading back over some old threads and saw one where the OPs DP had called her a cunt.
my dp has done that. it was some time ago, he did apologise , but dont think he really understood how much it bothered me.
hes called me other names too. not regularly , but every now and again.
Yesterday, he shouted 'fuck' three times with DS (19mo)on his knee, i asked him to please not swear in front of DS (he does this regulalrly) and he mumbled something under his breath. i asked him a few times to repeat what he said and he said ' i said youre a snotty fucker, are you deaf??' i cant stop thinking about it since he said it.
i cant believe im the kind of woman who lets her partner talk to her like this.
im angry with him and im annoyed at myself for not speaking up.

OP posts:
Ineversignedupforthis · 18/10/2011 16:54

Passive-aggressive, maybe even full-on aggressive. Bang out of order. What do you want to do?

Original poster
alwaysblue · 18/10/2011 16:56

oh he is definitely agressive.
i dont know what i want to do. i know that i dont want to be in a realtionship where i am spoken to like that. and in a few months time DS will be able to understand that daddy is calling mammy a snotty fucker and that terrifies me.

OP posts:
izzywhizzysfritenite · 18/10/2011 16:57

Call me old-fashioned but I prefer dc not to learn swear words in the home.

Why don't you speak up?

Give him a choice: either he buttons it, or he can take himself off and unbutton it elsewhere - permanently.

GypsyMoth · 18/10/2011 16:59

Sorry, but in my experience it gets no better. The swearing doesn't suddenly stop. Or the aggression

EEEEKinthebeeswax · 18/10/2011 17:03

That is an awful thing to say, especially in front of children! You must be very hurt. He has no right to speak to you like that.
What the hell was wrong with him, shouting fuck three times?

Hope you are ok, you must be feeling low.

Ineversignedupforthis · 18/10/2011 17:05

Would he consider anger management or counselling? He needs to see the problem and be genuinely commited to solving it for you to have a reasonable future with him. I had an exAH (arse husband) who had severe problems, went into counselling with me, but then kept sabotaging it, so he could say he had been, but did not actually change any behavious. So it just took longer for me to leave the relationship really.

flatbellyfella · 18/10/2011 17:11

That's way out of order alwaysblue, unreasonable behavior like this is grounds for divorce. Was he brought up in a family that behaved like that?

Rollon2012 · 18/10/2011 17:16

was he brought up in a sweary family? still not okay though

HauntyMython · 18/10/2011 17:17

I don't think I could be with someone like that. It shows he doesn't respect you. :(

I am SO glad you said i cant believe im the kind of woman who lets her partner talk to her like this.
im angry with him and im annoyed at myself for not speaking up. it shows you are not giving in to it and you can do something about it - not sure what, I'm inclined to agree with those who say he won't change.

Original poster
alwaysblue · 18/10/2011 17:36

he definitely wouldnt come from a family that wouldve sworn like that at each other. he has a bad temper and a short fuse. the reason he was shouting was that ds had dirty hands from food and he got it on his jeans. isnt that unbelieveable. im embarassed for him to be writing that.
ive often told him not to swear infront of ds but he says im liviing in some 'enid blyton' world excpeting people not to swear. he can swear all he likes but if my ds aged 2 starts saying fuck i will be livid.
problem is , of course, like the cliche, hes sweetness and light at other times. but i just cant get this stuff out of my head.

OP posts:
nothaunted · 18/10/2011 17:37

When my ex first called me a c* I was deeply shocked and shaking with hurt. Because I was pregnant I didn't call him on it. He told me he and another gf had always sworn at each other and asked me what my problem was. I minimised it, which was stupid. I thought it would stop eventually. It didn't, it got worse. If someone calls you a banana or a teapot and you say I find those words offensive, anyone who respects you will stop it. They may take a bit of time to find the guts to apologise but unless they apologise and are prepared to take on board why you feel it is unacceptable then they will continue to disrespect you. No one deserves to be hurt, especially by the mother of their child. "A good man respects the mother of his child and supports her in what she does to create a family."
Please call him on this behaviour and think about what alternatives there are for you if he doesn't stop.

ButWhyIsTheGinGone · 18/10/2011 20:02

No, no, no, no. Would you stand a partner calling your child a "snotty fucker?" Or your mother? Or the nice old lady over the road? Course not. Then why's it ok for him to use that language to you?

wtfwtf · 18/10/2011 20:09

Not on, for so many reasons. The disrespect to both of you being the biggest.

Fast forward to when your ds starts using those words in the playground and you get called in to speak to the head, then other parents don't want him playing with their dc's.. (happened to a friend) you are absolutely right to put your foot down now.

witchyhills · 18/10/2011 23:08

Could have been one of my threads. What was username?

He wouldn't dare do it now.
He has serious anger management problems.
But at the bottom of it, he knows that it's not right, and now he might occasionally let a fuck slip out, but not in anger, usually if he's telling a story.
But I'm a bit ott, told him off for saying oh my god!

mumblejumble · 19/10/2011 00:40

My ex-h used to call me a stupid cow, by the time we divorced it turned into stupid fuckin cunt as he threw me against a wall.
If he is angry when he is swearing at you, and he gets more angry as you call him on it, it is not a good sign op.
Sad

ItsMeAndMyPumpkinNow · 19/10/2011 09:38

verbal abuse

It gets worse, OP.

Original poster
alwaysblue · 19/10/2011 09:46

Thanks for the replies, and Confirming I'm not overreacting, I do doubt my reactions to things now. I find myself wanting to say he's not that bad, in comparison with some of the other stories but that just sounds like I'm making excuses. The problem is I never say anything at the time cos I'm so upset , I usually sulk for a bit and then he starts talking to me again as normal and then when were getting on ok again I don't want to bring the issue up as I know it will result in an argument and getting upset. I really jusy want us to be happy together but can't get over his anger and the hurtful things he says. I know I need to talk to him but we can't communicate well in these situations

OP posts:
ItsMeAndMyPumpkinNow · 19/10/2011 09:54

The problem is I never say anything at the time cos I'm so upset , I usually sulk for a bit

So you never clearly state that such treatment is unacceptable to you, which allows him to get away with it. React immediately next time: "H, you just called me a cunt. I find that utterly unacceptable. Don't ever call me names again."

then he starts talking to me again as normal

because he wants to pretend nothing bad happened so that he can continue ducking responsibility for his own actions. And continuing to be verbally abusive to you whenever he wants to.

when were getting on ok again I don't want to bring the issue up as I know it will result in an argument and getting upset.

you are walking on eggshells. He's got you right where he wants you: accepting, silent, subservient, and not putting him in front of his responsibilities.

I really jusy want us to be happy together but can't get over his anger and the hurtful things he says.

How can you be happy when he treats you with anger and name-calling?

ItsMeAndMyPumpkinNow · 19/10/2011 09:55

(although, frankly, I'm not so sure I stand by my first piece of advice: the first time a partner calls you names should be the last he sees of you.)

bellsring · 19/10/2011 10:02

OP, this name-calling,insulting/disrespectful little sentences to you, you being hurt,knowing it's not right, but 'letting it go', will gradually wear down your self esteem. It's classic that he shortly afterwards talks to you as if he hadn't said anything nasty at all; in an abusive situation it can, I think, be like 'grooming' (brainwashing) the victim. Because he is not called up on his behaviour he will just know he can get away with it, especially if he hurts you and then a short while later you respond to him normally.

The test will be if he listens/acknowledges/takes responsibility for hurting your feelings and acts upon you telling him this attitude towards you has to stop. If he carries on, then, you know where you stand.

bellsring · 19/10/2011 10:08

OP, how long have you been together, and when did you first notice him him 'slipping in' the odd swear word against you?

Original poster
alwaysblue · 19/10/2011 10:49

pumpkin - i know what youre saying is right. i guess i just cant believe im in this situation. ive had two other long term relationships it would just have been unheard of for me to be spoken to like this. incomprehensible.
its like living with jekyl and hide. if i raised it , i know hed say im difficult too (im on antidepressants, ive had a tough last couple of years emotionally,) but im not angry and abusive. infact if i think im 100% honest part of the reason im on te anti-ds is him.
i think im just afraid to have the conversation incase of where it leads
bellsring - weve been together about three years. were both in outr thirties. i cant honestly remember when the swearing episode but the cunt episode was after about a year i suppose.

OP posts:
bellsring · 19/10/2011 12:19

'You're difficult'. That is, it seems, a common choice phrase. I am 'very' difficult according to my ex, or maybe I'm just a human being.

ItsMeAndMyPumpkinNow · 19/10/2011 12:35

alwaysblue it's hard to come to terms with, I know. But you seem to be lucid: you know that there's a very good reason why you can't get his abusive anger and swearing out of your head (because it is damaging to you and DS, and because you know that it is his choice, and that does not square with the "sweetness and light" man he is sometimes and that you want to believe is the real him). You know that it is unacceptable to be spoken to in this way. You know that you do not deserve this treatment. You know that it is wearing you down. You know where acceptance that this IS abuse will inevitably lead.

Take your time. It's very hard to get your mind round all this. It's confusing and it hurts. The Relationships board is full of women going through what you are going through, and women who have been there and come out the other side. Keep talking and thinking out loud if that helps. We're listening, and we understand how you feel.

witchyhills · 19/10/2011 12:41

you need a third party, someone to show him he is being unreasonable
Therapy would do it, but you'd have to persuade him first, which you have said is doubtful

does he have any friends with children? what about his parents?

seems resentful of the way the children have changed his life, and thinks you are trying to control him

if you can make him see that
a, it's not acceptable
b, it will influence the child
c, you are not out to ruin his life, children change things
d, you are not trying to control him, you are looking out for your child, which should be his job too

I guess it comes down to whether you want it to work, do you think he could change?

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