cant get over some of the things hes said to me

[alwaysblue]

was reading back over some old threads and saw one where the OPs DP had called her a cunt.
my dp has done that. it was some time ago, he did apologise , but dont think he really understood how much it bothered me.
hes called me other names too. not regularly , but every now and again.
Yesterday, he shouted 'fuck' three times with DS (19mo)on his knee, i asked him to please not swear in front of DS (he does this regulalrly) and he mumbled something under his breath. i asked him a few times to repeat what he said and he said ' i said youre a snotty fucker, are you deaf??' i cant stop thinking about it since he said it.
i cant believe im the kind of woman who lets her partner talk to her like this.
im angry with him and im annoyed at myself for not speaking up.

Sorry to hear you are havin to put up with this, my exH was the same and it never got any better he was simply incapable of expressing his anger, tiredness, pain, or frustration in any other way than vile language directed at mainly us or the usually poor unsuspecting member
of the public along with slamming, banging and throwing things, and I talked to him many times over the years but he just couldn't / wouldn't change I hope you have more luck with your dp

someone to show him he is being unreasonable

...if he's amenable to being shown reason. He may reject the very notion.

thanks for all your advice and for giving me a place to talk about this. i cant really tell anyone in real life about this.

in some ways im glad youre all validating my thoughts , but on the other hand im thinking wow this is really serious stuff happening here. and i dont want to have to confront it; its been a tumultuous couple of years and im ready for calm now. i dont want to have to deal with this, i dont have the energy.

You say you've had a tumultuous couple of years and that you don't have the energy to deal with this.

Could it be that the very reason this is coming up now is because of the tumultuous emotional times?

I'm just saying that because it rings bells with my own "moment of revelation": I also had to face the abusiveness of my marriage when I was at my lowest, and I think it's because I was already in so much pain (from a MMC) that I suddenly could no longer bear the pain of my husband's abusivenes. I was emotionally maxed out. And so I could no longer absorb the pain of his name-calling, rages and threats. That means I had to face it when I thought I was at my weakest. But if I hadn't been at my weakest, I would have been strong enough to keep on taking the abuse and not questioning it.

Apologies if this is off-base.

OK you need rid of him, he won't get any better because he's an abusive man who hates women. Sorry but it's classic stuff - he thinks you are inferior to him and he can treat you how he likes.

i think i'm just afraid to have the conversation in case of where it leads

You know you've got to have 'the conversation' because, if you don't, you will be resigning yourself to years of living with a verbally abusive dp and setting a role model for dd that means that she believes that all men are like her df, and sees nothing wrong in choosing one as her partner.

Without wishing to sound dramatic, this is how abuse continues through generations.

I have no doubt that you want more for your dd and I hope that your love for her will give you the courage to have that conversation in the very near future.

If you don't feel that you can institigate it in your home, perhaps you could consider speaking about your concerns to dp in a safe place such as a joint Relate session or similar.

OP, if you've been through a tough couple of years, then it can be a 'bridge too far' to have to accept in life that, when it comes down to it, your partner is not your friend, and what is the point of that, when there are times when life is difficult enough, without have a supposed 'partner' who isn't even on the same team as you and they don't give you any comfort.

pumpkin - i think maybe its because, with the help of the anti-d's - Im starting to see somethings a little more clearly now. so im seeing postivity in other aspects of my life but this part is still lingering and im realising that its really not right.

izzy - my child is a boy, but similarly to what you were saying, i couldnt bare to have him treating women in a disrespectful way. my dp is also always commenting on womens appearance btw, no surprise there i suppose.

can i just say though ,that his verbal abuse directed towards me is not on an everyday basis by any means. that doesnt matter tho does it? once is too much really isnt it? or am i exagerrating?

Abuse is never constant - how would you stay hooked otherwise?

the cycle of abuse means that mean and sweet periods alternate.

No, you are not exagerating.

You're not exaggerating, honey. Once is too much but it hasn't stopped at once, has it?

Apologies for my error but, regardless, the issue remains the same and you need to have that conversation sooner rather than later.

oh i feel sick thinking this is happening to me. but honestly, when i read about those signs of emotional abuse they really dont look like my relationship or my DP.

but then i think; i am afraid to broach certain subjects with him, i do bite my tongue sometimes for fear of causing an argument, he does swear at me and call me names. so even if its not the top end of the scale its still not a perfect relationhip is it?

apologies if im repeating myself but im just trying to get things straight in my head.

A relationship does not have to be "top end" abusive for it to make you feel scared and undermined.

And it's not OK to feel either of those things in your own home, at the hands of the man who is supposed to love and cherish you the most.

noone has ever talked to me the way he has, and he is supposed to be my 'D'P.
that saddens me.

You have every right to be sad, blue.

the only acceptable level of abuse is none

just because he doesn't smack your head off the wall whilst simultaneously calling you a cunt, doesn't mean that you are not in an abusive relationship

your partner should enhance your life...not make you feel like something less than human

I agree with sgb

your partner sounds like an adequate fuck who needs to put you down to big himself up

that is not good partner material, nor is it good father material

penguin, i dont think its cute at all. i know some people think toddlers swearing is hilarious. im not one of them.

penguin, thats ok, i was prob being a bit sensitive.

oh and thatnks for taking time to post

Inadequate fuck

Its not only the disrespecting you but that he thinks its perfectly acceptable to do that in front of your child effectively teaching DS to do the same. It'll only get worse and would be a deal breaker for me.. so basically what SGB and AF said

He's not a 'dear' because his abusive behaviour is not endearing, is it?

And he's not a 'partner' in the accepted sense of the word because there is very little spirit of co-operation from him in your relationship, is there?

For the sake of your ds (apologies again for getting it wrong earlier), if not for yourself, you must make it clear to him that either he amends his ways - or goes his own way.