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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why would DH be saying insulting things to me in his sleep?

49 replies

PippiLongBottom · 14/10/2011 10:05

The other morning he was tossing and turning in bed. He was just getting over a cold and said a couple of other random nonsensical, slightly delirious things and I said "you're such a fidget" and he replied "you know where the door is" and then a few minutes later told me to "shut up" and put his hand into a fist. He also said something similar last night.

What is going on here then?

OP posts:
TechnoViking · 14/10/2011 10:06

Are you sure it was about you?

DW sometimes talks or hits out in her sleep and it's never me in her dreams.

Original poster
PippiLongBottom · 14/10/2011 10:13

Yeah, he replied to me. They weren't random shout outs.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 14/10/2011 10:15

Sounds like he is partly dreaming, at that stage where you are not totally unconcious but not fully awake.

I really wouldnt be worrying about it.

Original poster
PippiLongBottom · 14/10/2011 10:18

Hmm. They were proper fucking nasty though. I'll just hope he doesn't do it again.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 14/10/2011 10:22

Did he have any recollection of it when he woke up?

My husband often talks in his sleep.. sometimes it is amusing, other times it is bloody annoying as it wakes me up when he shouts.

If someone is asleep though, they really have absolutely no control over their mind, so you cant really have a go at him for it as he doesnt mean it.

isitreallythattime · 14/10/2011 10:24

Pippi my DP has done this for years and it has resulted to us sleeping apart as I cannot bare to hear it. Its not just aggressive its also inappropriate stuff. He says he doesnt know hes doing it but its really hard to believe that. Has only got worse as times gone on. THe other night he was asleep and i tried to wake him to give dd her dream feed and he woke up (partially) and had a go at me saying cant you see im doing stuff...errr yeah your having a sleep...derrr. Really difficult. Will watch this thread as very interesting to see if this is anything more. Your not alone!! Smile

Original poster
PippiLongBottom · 14/10/2011 10:24

He claims to have no recollection. The sticking point is and perhaps the purpose of this thread, I don't believe him.

OP posts:
Original poster
PippiLongBottom · 14/10/2011 10:25

Going out now. Back after school.

OP posts:
loserface · 14/10/2011 10:33

Me and DP do this to each other sometimes if we're both half awake at night. We say awful things to each other, tell each other to fuck off and all sorts! We dont mean any of it and go back to sleep cuddling most of the time. I think there just must be something about a certain time of sleep where you say stuff you dont mean or are more easily wound up.

I wouldnt worry about it tbh.

TwoJackRussellsandabean · 14/10/2011 11:21

My husband snores throughout the night and when I tell him to turn over or whatever to try to get him to stop he on occasion gives me a right mouthful, proper back chatting!! I try not to get upset by it all cos he doesnt actually mean to be unkind, he's just comfy and doesnt want to move IYSWIM?

Kayano · 14/10/2011 12:08

I can have conversations in my sleep and have no recollection the next day. They can be pleasant (my mum dad an DH have all experienced this)

Or I can be downright rude and sometimes mean and say awful things) I have no idea when I wake up and luckily for me DH finds it amusing to tell me about it

They can tell I'm asleep because even though I will open my eyes, they are all bloodshot and I get 'the look'

UnearthlyGhoulBeastie · 14/10/2011 12:34

Not quite the same, but my lovely surgeon tells me he popped in to see how I was doing when I'd just come round from an op. quite some years ago.

Apparently I was awake, because I told him to fuck off. That if he dared interrupt my sleep again I'd lamp him. And then to fuck off again.

I NEVER swear at people - to them, yes, but not at them. And this man had just saved my life. So no, I really really didn't mean it; it was not my subconscious-saying-what-it-really-felt-about-him, and he said it is actually quite normal Confused. Bless him.

purplewerepidj · 14/10/2011 12:38

I talk in my sleep when I'm stressed, it's mostly unintelligible. But I have told about conversations I've had. A particular example is an ex who would work late into the evening, then come to bed. Assuming I was awake, he told me about some social arrangement he had made, and i was to remind him in the morning. Apparently I agreed to do so, made all the right "active listening" noises, and had absolutely no recollection of it the next day. This happened two or three times, btw!

Haven't told anyone to fuck off yet, though - at least when there was someone there to hear me (I have no idea if I talk when I'm on my own Grin

The difference is, though, that DP (and exDP's) have had no reason to disbelieve me...

AngryFeet · 14/10/2011 12:41

I am very very rude to my DH if he talks to me when I am in and out of sleep - apparently anyway!

DH becomes quite frightening/aggressive in his sleep if he is jolted out of it (not saying he has hit me or anything but has mad rages even though he is still asleep). He is never anything like that normally so it doesn't worry me.

Why don't you believe him? Is he aggressive at other times?

buzzskeleton · 14/10/2011 12:43

What's your relationship like when he's awake?

tstar · 14/10/2011 14:02

My partner gets so angry when he is tired, if woken he yells and freaks out{Ohhhh What The ...... I can't sleep with all this ........!
When this happen's it is usally because he is seriously tired and over worked or not feelin well.
I tell him about it the next morning when it happens. He can hardly remember if at all.
The last time it affected our son, which I pointed out to him, so he appoligised and has made a effort since to chill out. Resting now peacefully, It all has to do with stress, men's anger is delt diffrently to woman's.
Yet all anger need's to be adressed.

garlicScaresVampires · 14/10/2011 14:13

He claims to have no recollection. The sticking point is and perhaps the purpose of this thread, I don't believe him.

Are you saying there are other reasons to believe he's got it in for you, Pipp?

I'm a noisy sleeper - have been known to sing, talk in other languages, laugh, scream, etc Blush - but I've also expressed my 'truths' while 90% asleep. I've known I was doing it, though couldn't help it, but I lied about it afterwards. I'm not saying other people do the same, obviously - it depends on the reasons why this has bothered you so much.

Just one more thought: you said he's had a cold. Was he taking Night Nurse? That stuff does weird things to your head.

Original poster
PippiLongBottom · 14/10/2011 14:51

He was just taking paracetemol but he did say other bollocks like 'nobble bobble' or some such shit. I didn't believe him as I found it too incredible, however reading this thread has made me view it in a different light.

OP posts:
garlicScaresVampires · 14/10/2011 14:53

he did say other bollocks like 'nobble bobble' or some such shit Grin
Think yourself lucky he wasn't singing it!!

Rollon2012 · 14/10/2011 15:23

They can tell I'm asleep because even though I will open my eyes, they are all bloodshot and I get 'the look'

Whats the look, Kayano im intrigued?

Kayano · 14/10/2011 15:37

I don't know because I haven't seen it because I am asleep! My dad told
Me about 'the look' when I lived at home... It has since been confirmed by DH (I am now 26)

Nb this only started when I was 17/18 so I would class it as adult onset Grin. He popped into my room one night to turn the light off that I had left on and I started 'chatting'.

Apparently the eyes are the biggest give away and he is fully aware I will chat about anything. This was confirmed by DH. I look totally out of it and 'glazed over' I might ask if they can get a pic of it Sad

But I have been very nasty on occasion but have no idea! Therefore Op, I would be inclined to believe your DH

Shodan · 14/10/2011 15:54

I've had actual conversations with ds1 when he's been asleep- except that he's talking complete rubbish. I wouldn't have believed it was possible before I had him! Makes me laugh though.

He has no recollection of it in the morning either.

And it looks like ds2 is going the same way.

And, thinking about it, DH has been mildly aggressive once or twice when woken out of a deep sleep- that threw me for a while because he's the nicest man alive normally...

Milchardo · 14/10/2011 18:09

My XH would carry on a proper conversation with me about "Gorillas (not geurillas!) at the back gate" while he was asleep.

DP once told me "You can fuck right off" and then moments later said "Alright, mate. Pass me that hammer." (He's a builder!) Most of his sleep talking involves him talking to me like I'm one of his workmates... Hmm I try not to take it personally! Grin

GnomeDePlume · 14/10/2011 18:31

I'm another sleep talker (and walker). After my first stock count as a trainee accountant I kept demanding 'what's the pack size?'.

On another occasion I thought I was chairing Question Time and asked the 'man in the red jumper, what's your question?'

Apparently nice spinster aunts can swear like troopers when under aneasthetic.

dearprudence · 16/10/2011 22:20

I sometimes talk/shout in my sleep. Also, when I go and tuck DS (9) in on my way to bed, when he's fast asleep, I always talk very quietly to him if he stirs - 'night night darling, just tucking you in, mummy's here' that kind of thing. Quite often he gives the appearance of answering me. I'll whisper, 'are you ok' and he'll nod, or I'll say 'love you' and he'll answer 'love you too'. Occasionally it's a proper conversation, like him asking me the time, but he never remembers in the morning. He even opens his eyes sometimes but he doesn't look awake (the 'look').

So I guess I'm saying that it's possible for someone to appear to answer you even if they're asleep.