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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

You want to know the worst thing about being married to someone who treats you badly?

30 replies

Bogeyface · 28/08/2011 00:51

Its that it makes you so fucking cynical.

I have been physically abused in one relationship and cheated on in my marriage, and I dont know one of my friends (male or female) that hasnt been "done wrong" in one way or another.

So when I hear of people saying that they are really happy and that they know their OH wouldnt hurt them in anyway, I think "Yeah they will, it either hasnt happend yet or you havent found out about it".

I just hope that today (Saturday, I havent been asleep yet!), somewhere, a beautiful girl got married to her Prince Charming and that she doesnt turn into a vile demanding shrew and he doesnt turn into a cheater or a beater. I hope that somone, somewhere really is living happily ever after.

And may I just fess up to having had a couple of glasses of wine and being 7 weeks post find out about his cheating so am feeling rather maudlin :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Bogeyface · 28/08/2011 00:54

I should add that I dont want to be cynical. I want to smile at the "perfect couple" instead of thinking that he is probably knocking her about or she is knocking off his best mate.

I hate that I think this way, I really do :(

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 28/08/2011 00:58

You aren't the only one!

I think this way too. As my dd's go through their teens I'm finding that cheating is so common even at this age! I despair for them...... And it's all over Facebook within minutes, every detail!!

LeBOF · 28/08/2011 01:00

Oh Bogey, you sound so sad Sad

It really isn't like that, I don't think. I mean, life has its ups and downs, but there are lots of relationships that are basically happy. I suppose the bright side of getting out of a bad one is that it frees you up to find one? I haven't always been in a happy one, but I think I am now, luckily.

Do you want to talk about it, or do you want me to compulsively google for silly stuff to cheer you up?

CardyMow · 28/08/2011 01:01

I can't actually think about my friends and find one decent relationship there. Friend 1 - just got her own home after leaving a refuge, Friend 2 back in a relationship WITH a man she divorced for giving her 2 black eyes and tryig to strangle her. Friend 3 had 2 babies with the man who was arrested for assaulting her in public. Friend 4 forgives her H for the flings he has when he works away. Oh, hang on - there IS one. But I am sitting here waiting for her to tell me he's fucking the secretary or something. YEP, am very cynical. given up on fairy tale endings I think.

GypsyMoth · 28/08/2011 01:03

So have Disney loudlass!

solidgoldbrass · 28/08/2011 01:38

I know a fair few heteromonogamous couples who are happy and treat each other well. I also know heteromonogamous couples who are horrible to one another and miserable in their situations. But I also know plenty of happy poly people and single people too. And unhappy ones. If you insist on believing that the only valid form of sexual relationship is longterm heteromonogamy, you will find lots of examples that prove you wrong.

Original poster
Bogeyface · 28/08/2011 01:54

ILT Thank you for saying it isnt just me!

leBOF Googling silly stuff is favourite please!

Loudlass Again, thank you for confirming I am not the only one

SGB I do not insist on believing that the only valid form of sexual relationship is longterm heteromonogamy. I do however believe that if two people promise to be in a longterm relationship with each other and to be faithful within that relationship then they should either keep those promises or leave to find the relationship that suits them better. By leaving then they free not only themselves but also the other person to find someone who will suit them better. I would never ask of anyone that which they do not freely give.

OP posts:
LeBOF · 28/08/2011 01:57

One of my all-time favourites...

Original poster
Bogeyface · 28/08/2011 02:01

Thank you :o

My sympathy is with the teacher on that one!

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 28/08/2011 05:36

Yep, I now know why so many older women cry at weddings.

ballstoit · 28/08/2011 06:23

My family is full of happy relatioships...what I struggle with is believing I'm capable of being with someone who treats me decently. The man I'm dating is lovely, I'm currently waiting for him to dump me, can't see that he'll actually want to be with me long term.

jellybeans208 · 28/08/2011 07:14

I know so many happy marriages and am surrounded by people married for yearstheThe couple I know married the longest were married 75 years and used to walk round the care home holding hands. One died and the other died 48 hours later. I also have lots of friends my own age who have been happily married for up to 10 years and I am only 27. There are loads of happy couples about so dont give up hope. There are lots of lovely men out there.

Agree with SGB though not everyone wants that and there is nothing wrong with being single.

TheBride · 28/08/2011 07:22

I know what you mean, but realistically, everyone behaves like a twat sometimes. Loving someone doesn't always stop you being a selfish PITA towards them. I'm not perfect and neither is DH so we will do things to hurt each other. The important thing to me is that when those things happen, that we're genuinely sorry and want to make the relationship work.

I am very unromantic (don't believe in soul mates/ the one etc) but I believe marriages/long term relationships have to be worked at.

solidgoldbrass · 28/08/2011 09:55

It's a myth that your life is somehow worse or lesser if you don't devote a chunk of it to hetermonogamy. Why not find something to do that does make you happy? If you are lonely, seek out new friends or a hobby.

honeyandsalt · 28/08/2011 10:15

I'm not sure if it'll make you feel better or worse when I tell you the majority of my F&F are in happy relationships.

I'm sure we'll have disagreements to come, and who knows what the future holds, but DH is a good guy too, always has been.

BertieBotts · 28/08/2011 11:00

From being on here a lot and having been through a bad relationship myself I know exactly what you mean. Mumsnet has really opened my eyes to a lot of things in relationships which are often taken for granted but are actually quite crap. It's really raised my standards and it has made me analyse (privately of course) the relationships I see around me, of family and friends etc. For a while I did see abuse or inequality everywhere, I think you just become hyper sensitive to it and want to warn everyone so they don't get hurt like you did, I found this lessens quite a lot over time though.

Something else I've learned from here is that there is a lot of crap around, myths etc about relationships which are likely to land you in hot water if you set too much store by them. Most people aren't perfect examples of how to conduct a relationship, and more people than you would think actually have quite serious issues which are going to come up in all their relationships until they deal with that.

And rule number one, which I think is the most important but also seems to be the least generally accepted - make sure you are happily single before even thinking about getting into a relationship. Sounds counterproductive, but if you get into a relationship because you hate being single, you've effectively closed off your options, because it would have to be really terrible for you to consider going back to the awfulness of being single. Whereas actually if being single is a good alternative then you're more likely to consider it at the first sign something isn't great.

CotesduRhone · 28/08/2011 11:09

I have friends who have difficult relationships, yes, but none that sound as toxic as your friends', OP. Most of my friends have been together happily (as far as I know) since university and treat each other with care and respect, even if they're having troubles. In fact, the only divorced person I know is my partner!

I am reminded of the idea that if one's spouse works in an environment where cheating is normalised, their defences are lowered to it - not that I'm saying there's anything wrong with your friends per se - but it seems to me that as a group you appear to have normalised incredibly low expectations of a partner. Is this something you think is the case?

lazarusb · 28/08/2011 20:34

I am happily married and intend to be with DH until one of us dies, however, my past relationship experience has made me very cynical and it has to be said that I put DH through a lot to keep him in line Grin He called me 'Satan with tits' the other day. My work here is done. I am so proud Grin

thesunshinesbrightly · 28/08/2011 22:19

I agree, life is shit cant wait till god does me a favour.

smallmotherbigheart · 28/08/2011 22:44

To be honest with you, despite your bad experiences I think the key is never give up. I'm 25 and a single mother. I got with my ds dad when I was 17, I shortly moved out of my mums house because of how she was treating me. At the time he was great, he took me in and he was all I had. But he took advantage of the situation, starting abusing me verbally after I fell pregnant.

When my son was 1 he went a step further and beat me up, strangled me in my own home while my child screamed in the next room. He had four and a half years of me and I had enough and walked away from him. Since then I've met some very nice people, dated and I'm in a relationship. It's not disney but he treats me well, would never do anything like that to me. Everyone said that it would be hard because I had a child but it was never like that. My mum always said that I was too difficult for a man to love me but I've proved her wrong. Never ever give up xx

ledkr · 28/08/2011 23:09

bogey are you ok? Havent you recently had another baby? what has happened? I aggree too,i have had abuse and cheating and although dh seems sound enough i will always be wary which is a shame but cant be helped,my bubble has been well and truly burst!!!

Original poster
Bogeyface · 28/08/2011 23:31

Thanks for asking Ledkr, I am ok, well ok apart from my shitbag H cheating on me while I was pg!

I just hate that it has change me from someone who always thought the best of people until proved otherwise, to assuming the worst.

The baby is 12 weeks now, and fantastic :) The others (all 5 of them!) are no trouble either, which is a blessing!

OP posts:
EttiKetti · 29/08/2011 04:20

Ugh, ny eldest DDs father cheated on me while I was pregnant. I stayed for 6 more months then left and remained single out of choose for 6years! I don't blame you for feeling cynical.

But good relationships do exist. I've been with DH for 12 years and we are still very happy. I've spent a few years surrounded by marital problems and relationships breaking up, but its calmed down again for the moment.

I'm so sorry your H let you and your baby down so badly :(

EttiKetti · 29/08/2011 04:21

Choose?! choice!

Bandwithering · 29/08/2011 04:31

I know a good few happy couples and I'm not waiting for them to tell me their husband has another family/is shagging nanny/abusing them

BUT I am a little cynical I think because when people say 'have you met somebody yet?' I smile sweetly and say 'no' but in reality I'm thinking, "don't be so ridiculous, i will never meet 'somebody' never, never, it just won't happen to me'.