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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Right, waiting for him to come home. mr nice or twat?

33 replies

123namechange · 25/08/2011 23:13

Hi,

H is an alcoholic.
He wont admit it but he is.
He gets drunk every eveing now and is somtimes abusive when drunk.

I am planning to leave but need to wait a couple of weeks.

I just need to get through the here and now, like tonight.

My plan for tonight is to keep out of his way and avoid rising to any bait. If that dosnt work I will call the police.
I'v never called them before. Have always been to ashamed and wanted to gloss over the problem, hoping for it to go away.

I dont really know what I want by starting this thread, I supose its like telling somone about my troubles. I have noone to tell in RL.

Any way thankyou for reading.

OP posts:
Toobluntforboss · 25/08/2011 23:15

No advice, just wishing you the best.

Bohica · 25/08/2011 23:16

Could you go to bed or do you need to stay up to get him indoors & make surre the house is locked up?

fannybaws · 25/08/2011 23:18

Hi 123 sorry you are going through this.
Its great you have decided to go, if he is abusive do call the police asap.
Do you have to wait ?

Original poster
123namechange · 25/08/2011 23:18

Thanks Toobluntforboss.

I would also like to say sorry about my poor spelling!
Should have used the preview button.

OP posts:
LoveMyGirls · 25/08/2011 23:20

How awful, you must be walkign on egg shells Sad

Good plan, the avoiding and the leaving.

Yes call the police if he is abusive they will at least take him to the cells and you can sleep in peace if he is drunk and disorderly. What do you think the back lash would be from calling them?

Is it possible for you to leave faster than a couple of weeks if neccessary?

Original poster
123namechange · 25/08/2011 23:23

Hi Bohica and fannybaws,

Yes I need to stay up and lock up ect.

He will be home in 10/15mins as he has gone to the pub up the road and theres nowhere to go on to after it closes.

I wish he wasnt a bloody drinker ffs. I just wanted to be happy with him and out DC.
Such a waste.

OP posts:
Bohica · 25/08/2011 23:30

It is a waste but you know there is nothing you can do about it.
Stay safe.

What's your plam on leaving, do you have a safety bag packed & hidden?

ImperialBlether · 25/08/2011 23:32

I hope you're okay. Call the police if he does anything. Don't wait for it to escalate.

If you do call the police, it's a better weapon when you do tell him it's over.

fannybaws · 25/08/2011 23:36

How many DC do you have?

MittzyTheVixen · 25/08/2011 23:55

It's crap... Sad so sorry..
I have just read Rachel's Holiday by Marion Keyes about addictions and it has rocked me to my core about grasping the aspects of addictions. I don't know why but it might get you through the difficult bits in some small way.

Take care of you and your DC's and hang in there x

EmmalinaC · 26/08/2011 00:00

I hope you're ok, 123. You are brave for posting on here. MN will remind you that you're right, that you shouldn't have to put up with this, that you must put yourself and your DCs first. If you need to call the police, do it. Good luck.

HerHissyness · 26/08/2011 00:03

Thinking of you 123, hope all goes well tonight.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered · 26/08/2011 00:38

I feel for you. You are very brave. And I really hope your plan to get out soon works. Just keep you and your children top priority.

Original poster
123namechange · 26/08/2011 10:31

Hi,

Sorry for not getting back to you all last night, but he came back a little earler than I thought.
H was in a funny mood and kept on telling me how he loves me, will sotr out his drinking ect if I'd only do this and that (meaning jump through hoops!) he likes to blame me for his drinking - I 'go on', I wont let him out (wtf he has a few hobbies and I get no free time appart from my driving. If I want to go for a bath, it has to be negotiated!!) He just makes stuff up and I end up justifing myself.
Last week I had no right to complain about the amount of money he spent at the pub because I looked at a trampoline -I wanted to know how much they were because the DC would really like one. I could look at a helicopter but it dosnt mean that I would just buy it without thinking!

I managed well to lock up and avoid conflict, but this morning he was a hungover sh*t and I did tell him that I had nothing but contemp for him.. That will probably come back to bite me.
I'm not scared of him when hes sober, but he can get drunk and get wound up by my many 'crimes'.

Today I'm going to get pasports, birth certs ect togrther in case I need to grab the Dc and go.

I cant save any money or arrange a place to stay so am planing on going to a refuge and then maybe a council house or privte rent (H will prob give me the depostit or mil would loan me the money)

This all feels not quite real.
I have an empty sad feeling and cant eat.

OP posts:
ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 26/08/2011 11:58

You'll get through it 123.

The empty sad feeling is normal: this is a difficult and upsetting time. It will pass and you will heal, with time.

Your decision is absolutely the right one. You are protecting yourself and your DCs, that is a wonderful thing for you to do.

Fuzzywuzzywozabear · 26/08/2011 12:10

Avoid, avoid, avoid. Don't give him any reason to be suspicious. Just get through each day until you can go. My friend went into a refuge recently, she was panicky about what it would be like, but you know what? It was ok! She's now onto the next stage - still refuge but independent accomodation and she's doing great. She said to me the best part was not having to worry about what he was going to be like when he got home. Good luck and I wish you well.

Original poster
123namechange · 26/08/2011 12:22

Thankyou Smile

I keep wishing that he will sort himself out and everything will be ok.

I've begged and cried a river.
He's promised and then turned it around and said that I want him to be a 'lap dog' - no I just dont want to have my DC exposed to a drunken thug who hits their Mum.

I want to give my Dc a lovley, stable life but now can only see struggeling along on benifits with no job prospects.

My two yongest DC will miss their Dad somthing rotten and its going to be hard when they ask for him.

It all seems so big.

OP posts:
Fuzzywuzzywozabear · 26/08/2011 12:30

it all seems so big

Awww, of course it does lovey. Just take one small step at a time and put one foot in front of the other. Your children may miss their dad but they wont miss being brought up in this environment. You can do this.

Onemorning · 26/08/2011 15:19

Good luck 123 x

ImperialBlether · 26/08/2011 19:23

Have your children witnessed him hitting you, or are they aware of it?

If they know he hits you, you have to tell them that's why you're leaving him. You have to be clear about that - it's going to be a really important lesson for them to learn.

You will feel so much better once you've got out. You must be treading on eggshells the whole time, not knowing what to expect out of your day.

cestlavielife · 26/08/2011 20:43

you will be able to arrange for dc to see their dad safely in a contact centre. they will be fine.

you will be too in longer term.

QueenofWhatever · 27/08/2011 08:08

123,your post yesterday made me laugh out loud - for the wrong reasons. My ex, although not really a drinker, used to say the same things especially the bit about the bath.

One of the most useful things for me when I left two years ago was repeating someone ele's mantra: people leave every day, today it just happens to be me. Even now that period between planning to leave and actually leaving still seems very surreal.

My advice would be to play nice while you plan your escape and try to be even 'nicer'. This is really hard when you're planning to get away and see through all the excuses, but I'm afraid this is the most dangerous time.

The minute you leave, your brain and confidence start coming back, it's amazing. You'll realise how exhausting and stressful it is always trying to second guess him. And your kids will be OK, they will be picking up on all the stress and tension I'm afraid. They can still love their Dad and see him, but it doesn't meant you have to put up with this crap.

pickgo · 27/08/2011 08:33

Good advice Queen.

Hope you get through the bank holiday OP - it's a time DV peaks statistically (like Xmas) so try and back right off just now if possible. Try and find a few positive/admiring things to say to him to diffuse him a bit if you can and if he starts with the criticism just vaguely say 'erm I'll think about that ' and wander off to avoid the conflict if you can. (Lots of ifs there).

I stayed for a ridiculous length of time after I'd decided it was all over for financial reasons (regret it very much now) and the hardest part was revisiting the decision constantly, almost torturing myself with doubts and sadness about whether it was the right thing to do. But I knew in my heart there was only one way for our lives to improve and that was to get us out of it.

Try not to worry about the drop in income etc in the future. I've found it's not as bad as I thought it would be and the relief and peace of mind of being rid of the stress I'd lived with for years was just enormous. You are definitely planning to do the best thing for yourself and DCs and life will seem so much brighter once you've got it over with. Promise it will.

Original poster
123namechange · 27/08/2011 23:06

Hi,

He knows I'm planing on leaving him and has said that he wants out too.
I'm shi*e at lying and my face is pretty much an open book so I'm not supprised he guessed.

He has said that he will help me move my stuff and I can take all household goods as he will not need them and he would rather the DC had use of them.

So far so good but of corse he is in the pub atm as all this breaking up is a good excuse to get wasted!!

I hope he can keep being reasonable because I dont want to have to run off to a refuge.

He is still saying that I am a control freak because I dont want a H who gets drunk every night and I ask what time he will get home, although I dont care about any of that now as I am doing everything (DC related) on my own as I have to get used to doing it all solo anyway.

He can be such a kind, loving person and is a loving Dad.
He knows how alcohol can ruin a family -his Dad did the same as him and he is angry with his Dad about it.

I am trying to look at things in 'black and white' to try and keep focoused.

I wish I could go to sleep and somone wake me when its over.

OP posts:
YoungMotherTubby · 27/08/2011 23:21

If he wants out too is it not possible for him to move out instead of you and DC?

Was also in situation where I left ex(D)H and went through humiliation of standing in a public queue at council and having to say in front of rest of queue that I was homeless with 4DC and needed somewhere to stay. He refused to leave the house we rented and it was impossible to live with him any more.
What you'll find - I did - is that the longer you're away from him the more incredulous you'll be at what you tolerated.

I've now have 6 happy years away from ex. It's really hard at the beginning esp with DC but you won't regret escaping.

All the best

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